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Not sure what is wrong with me

J

June90

Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2019
Messages
10
Location
London
#1
Hi all,

I am not sure what is exactly wrong with me. I have not disclosed my true feelings to my GP, so I have not been offered any support from them. I once saw a GP regarding hair loss and from that I was provided a number for a therapist. I attended for 3 sessions or so and felt so overwhelmed that I stopped going. I never learnt anything new about myself, however she encouraged me to do CBT therapy with her. The CBT was for work on self esteem but I never really found this helpful.

I was scared about what would be written in my disclosable medical history. The career I am in requires medical history disclosure. Although my career states that they support everyone struggling mentally, it is obvious that it is still a taboo topic and something which could affect me in my job.

I can say that I am functional to a degree but I have become quite good at hiding my feelings. Even then my colleagues have mentioned that they are concerned about my mental health which is scary and surprising because I thought that I was always coming across fun and happy.

A lot happened to me when I was a child but my family played ignorant to it. I come from a culture where emotions aren't encouraged, and a man should be strong. I have never been able to discuss this with anyone.

I have a lot of people around me yet I feel incredibly lonely. I feel anxious about leaving my room and my house and have distanced myself from all of my friends and family. I don't attend gatherings anymore, I feel ashamed of myself. I have gained over 5 stones in weight over the last year and it is very noticeable, as it would be. This only makes my anxiety worse.

I am near 30 years old but I have never been in a relationship, this makes me feel like a failure. I have always felt like a failure my whole life and all I ever wanted to do was to just be happy.

Often I cry by myself, but I'll tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and to pick myself up. The feeling of sadness comes without a warning, it could happen randomly when I'm communing on the train to work. It's becoming tiring.

I guess I am here because I want someone to talk to from the comfort of my room. I know I am not the only person going through this. I just want an end to this feeling, I just want to be happy like the many people around me.

Thanks for reading, sorry it is a bit of a long read.
 
RookieatBest

RookieatBest

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 7, 2019
Messages
141
Location
N/A
#2
You might be depressed and have anxiety. You need to be honest with your GP so you can know what"s what with you.

You need to keep doing CBT for self development purposes.

Try BOSLEY or Hair Club etc for hair loss.

Hey we all face challenges and we fail at some. That's part of learning and growing.

Like the quote says, " I never make the same mistake twice it's more like three or four times". So true LoL.

But you gotta try to break that cycle and not make it become a habit.

Gain positive habits and lose the negative habits.

Keep looking to stay happy and not crappy.

Because you can be always be positive even when the negative is in the midst.

GL GB BS!
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
342
Location
California, US
#3
I come from a culture where emotions aren't encouraged, and a man should be strong. I have never been able to discuss this with anyone.
This behavior was passed to you as it was passed to your parents from theirs and so on. It's time to break this cycle because quiet desperation and despair - hanging on by your fingernails - does not serve anybody, least of all you.
It's not a sign of strength to ignore that you're wounded and in need medical help, whether the wound is physical or emotional.

Talking to a therapist, opening up and telling someone you're not doing well won't be easy but please believe me, it's easier and better for you to do that than to drag the locked and heavy baggage behind you for the rest of your life.

It is hard to ask for help. It's harder still to pretend you're fine when you're not and those emotions locked up inside will find cracks in the armor. When they do, they will express themselves in very inappropriate ways and perhaps you've experienced this already.

Getting better begins with making an appointment to see someone about mental health. Of course years of stigma makes this difficult so I suggest you tell yourself over and over again, as necessary:

"It's okay to not be okay".
 
J

June90

Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2019
Messages
10
Location
London
#4
Thank you both,

Regarding the CBT therapy, it was my first time trying it and so I don't know exactly how it should work. I felt like the therapist didn't care, she was just looking to get through it to close the case, she wanted to focus on self esteem work. Is this something that others have found or is it me getting in my own way? She just used to give me sheets of paper from books and told me to read them at home.

I would prefer if I was able to work on techniques by myself. Are there things that I could do to help myself?
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
342
Location
California, US
#5
Hi. It's difficult to comment on your experience with this therapist without be unfair to you or to her. I can say an important element in therapy is rapport between patient and therapist, else it's unlikely you'll feel comfortable discussing those problems that really make you squirm. If you didn't click with the therapist you saw, I suggest you try another. It may take a few tries to find someone you're comfortable with.

I would prefer if I was able to work on techniques by myself. Are there things that I could do to help myself?
Absolutely. One of the core components of cognitive therapy is learning to identify and challenge negative thinking patterns. There are alot of websites and a search of "distorted thoughts CBT" will produce a many results to choose from.

To get you started, I've attached this one:

25 CBT techniques and worksheets

If it would help to discuss any of this, please feel free to ask questions about the techniques or examples.
 
J

June90

Member
Joined
Jan 20, 2019
Messages
10
Location
London
#6
I understand. I guess I should try therapy again and thanks for the link. It is much appreciated.
 
RookieatBest

RookieatBest

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 7, 2019
Messages
141
Location
N/A
#7
You need to find someone who actual likes doing their job and cares.

Look for signs upon you meeting them on how they react and how they will be in the session to let you know this will be a great time together. We will help each other out greatly.

You need to tell who ever you have CBT with to put effort into helping you and others.

I understand weariness can come into play, so maybe this CBT would not only benefit the patient, but the therapist too.

It's good to have good vibes from other people because it makes you feel emotionally can good too. Helping hand.

Yes you definitely need to work on your self development in therapy and at home etc.

Self-care for OCD | Mind, the mental health charity - help for mental health problems

GL GB BS!