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Not sure what I plan to get from this.

I

idontknowwhyimhere

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Hello.... im not sure what I'm looking for with this post... or account... I guess just venting for now?

I feel like I'm in a somewhat dark place. Mainly because I can never really remember to take my meds consistently (I'm on zoloft for postpartum depression and anxiety).

I'm a stay at home mom to an 11 month old. I take care of her 24/7. I clean the house constantly. Do dishes. Do laundry. Throw trash away. Etc. I am also in school full time to obtain a Bachelors. I feel like I'm a single mom even though I'm married.

I'll also preface this by saying that I had always told him that I was ready for a baby whenever he would be ready. That it would be his decision on when he'd like to get pregnant. Well shortly after we got married, my best friend accidentally got pregnant and I never once insisted that we should do the same. He knew that my friend and I had dreamed of having kids at the same time (we have been best friends since we were 5yrs old), but I never once said that we should try or get pregnant at the same time. I never brought it up. Soon enough, he brought up the idea and said that "no one is ever fully ready for kids". I made sure he was certain before coming off birth control. Then, months later after our daughters birth, he partially admits that he suggested having a baby to give me what I want, which he ultimately thought was having a kid the same time as my best friend. Not that HE didn't want a baby, just that the timing was pushed to accommodate what he thought I wanted. Like, no. That's not exactly how it's supposed to work. I wanted a baby when HE would be ready.

My husband works one full-time job plus a bit of overtime during the week, but wants to come home and mostly relax and do his own thing. He TRIES to help, but he knows he's not good at it, gets frustrated with our daughter if she doesn't cooperate with feeding or bedtime, and so I stop what I'm doing to take her because I'm sick of the b*tching from him. He is so quick to pick up his nintendo switch and game the rest of the night. This is nearly every day. He does okay when she cooperates with feeding and sleeping but of course, that's not a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I pick up my game and play it too. But not until I'm done or mostly done with housework or schoolwork. He offers to help a lot of the time but hardly ever does. He "acknowledges" how hard I work and says he wants to do more, but never does. The preface I wrote above is mainly stated to suggest that I don't think he was ready for a baby. Actually. I'm sure of it. I know he wasn't ready. There are so many sacrifices that he just wasn't ready for. I'm over it. I want to just continue my daily life taking care of things acting like it doesnt bother me. But it does. To prove that I'm stronger and capable of bigger things. But I'm not. I'm crumbling inside. I'm starting to become resentful.
 
I

idontknowwhyimhere

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Sorry.... I guess the introduction section wasn't the best place for this..
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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The introduction section is fine or I could move it to the depression section or experiences.
Please let me know.
Welcome to the forum
I'm so sorry you have postnatal depression, do you have much support?
Tried any treatments?
We're here to listen anytime.
Hugs
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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I’m really sorry to hear that you are hitting a wall with things. With all you have taken on your plate at the moment it’s not surprising. I wonder if there would have been a “better time” for your husband to be “ready” to have a baby. My guess is that he is doing the best that he feels he can under the circumstances as he would at any other time. If you need more from him to be able to stay afloat with things physically, emotionally and psychologically I think it’s important that you make it clear to him what your needs are. Maybe you could sit down as a couple and come up with a distribution of responsibilities that would make sense for both of you that he would have to stick with instead of pawning them off to you to do for him. Maybe limit video gaming so he can help out with baby more. However you solve it I hope you are able to schedule some time for yourself in. We have to make sure that you don’t burn out on everything because you have a lot depending on you. If your husband doesn’t understand this let him know. :hug:
 
calypso

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:welcome: to the forum. It sounds as though he is reacting like quite a few partners do. I am sorry you feel the way you do. I hope you can find a way to work as a team on this, its so hard when one partner doesn't do that. I once wrote a letter to my husband even though we lived together, explaining how I felt. It was helpful because I had time to think about what I wanted to stay without anger etc getting in the way. It was a hit, but it did take some talking about later.
 
D

Dice

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Let's look at this from the male side. Whichever way people want to dress it up these days, certain parental roles come more naturally to women than they do men. Yes, there will be dads aplenty that are very caring etc, but mothers will always outnumber the men and that shouldn't ever be seen as a bad thing; it's how we were designed to be. Calypso speaks of being a team. Well traditionally that team meant a man going to get resources of the substantial kind and the women getting the lighter resources and taking care of the homestead. We try and try and try to change this, but you're talking about age-old deep-rooted biological processes here, not just whimsical fancies. So a man going off to work all day is not him skipping out on his duties, that's him helping to keep the family going. We tend to get the sharp end of the stick for that nowadays and I think that's unfair.
Now, after a long day you have a few hours to relax and/or keep up with the chores. He may be feeling like he's earned the right to relax and not chip in; he may be exhausted (depending on his line of work some will be more than others) or it may be that he needs more of a nudge to actually help out - only you can say for what he's really like in this regard.
I would say that a chat about what you can do together to make things a little more fluid between you all is on the cards. Possible points like saying playing the switch every other night and not EVERY night for example. And in those 'down' nights he tries to chip in more with the little one.
But finally, us men aren't the best at these things and at knowing what to do and all the rest of it. I mean, Jeez, we're here on a mental health forum - we can't even talk when we're staring death in the face! When it comes to babies, most of us step aside and let the boss do what comes naturally. Cut him some slack, have him take a little off of your shoulders, remain civil and both try to do what is best for the little human you have brought into the world.
 
Zero One

Zero One

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You sound a lot like me years ago...but doing better by seeking mental help....excellent of you. Here is what I learned... everything that is stressing you, no matter what it may be, is not worth it and is interfering with the love and attention for the baby. It is really awful that things work that way. You wanted to do this when he was ready for this and he decided he was ready for this because it is the perfect time for you, but you feel like he is not ready for it because of the criteria you have in your mind for what him being ready actually is or should be. The reality--he was ready for it. Parenting is difficult and you need a break just as much as he does. Don't do chores while he is taking care of her is what I recommend...play Nintendo or go outside a bit, have a terrible amount of fun whatever it is and when he gets tired you can take over...he may feel he needs rest from work...I have been through that type of torture before...what I wish I did was just have fun and enjoy everyone having fun...even the baby. Everyone needs to relax and have fun and chores should never be done with any resentment inside, they are for the benefit and health of all in the home. You have a good family but these changing desires and controls can really kill the fun and enjoyment in everything. Be happy, you got your wishes!
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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There are articles on-line in relation to how men suddenly act differently when their new-born arrives. It's important to remember that both you and your other half still have a relationship together. It's important you both know you now have a family of your own :) Unfortunately as your other half is lacking at the moment, you need to be the one to put all these feelings of frustration etc. aside, and use good old "encouragement" to motivate your other half to get "involved" and "feel good about it". No easy task I know. You ladies really are a "marvel". Where would us men be without you ;)
 
TKDKid

TKDKid

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I found an app was good at reminding me to take my meds and a good routine with them as in have them by the side of the bed at night and as I go to sleep or next to the kettle for the morning really helped me, I was forgetting all the time. Sounds hard work at home for you right now, I’m sorry to hear that. I have recently finished a degree whilst working full time and I found that hard and I don’t have a child or anything like that!! But when you finish it is all worth it I promise. Can you talk to your partner about how you feel at all?
 
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