Not sure what I am, I argue with my conscience a lot

S

Simonp

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2018
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1
HI, I'm a middle aged male and I'm on antidepressants and have been told numerous times that I am suffering from depression.

Appologies for the length, but I want to try and explain how my condition affects me.

I also have a few other health issues, I suffer from CFS/ME which sometimes causes things like short term memory loss and other symptoms.

I have many of the classic signs of depression.

I avoid answering the phone, I dislike talking to strangers, even with very good friends, sometimes if I know they are coming around, I really wish they wouldn't.

I cant handle the slightest bit of stress, if I get stressed, I feel physically exhausted and can sleep for hours.

That said, I wouldn't really say I am anxious, I have a sort of "cant be bothered" feeling in my head rather than panicking over talking to them. But if I have to say make a phone call, I almost have to pluck up the courage to do so, but when I eventually force myself to do it, it always goes fine and I don't feel anxious at all when actually on the phone.

What does concern me and I have googled and cant find anything quite like what I experience, is my conscience seems to have a different personality to me.

I'm not hearing voices, it's my conscience, the thoughts I have, just like anyone might think to themselves "hmm what do I do next" or think to themselves "that's an interesting book" it's that voice/conscience.

I am a very very empathetic person, I try to see the best in everybody. I hate it when people refer to drug addicts as druggy scum etc. I don't like it when people talk about the homeless in the same sort of way.

I don't like violence, don't like watching things like boxing or wrestling (although I don't mind a violent action film, I have no problem differentiating between reality and fiction/fantasy)

I also can neither understand or tolerate any form of racism, I simply cannot fathom how someone can dislike someone else because of where they originated from or the colour of their skin etc. It simply does not compute with me.

I'm happily married, and what I'm about to describe next, never ever happens to my wife, kids or friends I've known for years.

Due to the nature of what I'm describing, I'm not going to use the actual words, but hopefully you can understand the problem I'm having.

What I find happening almost all the time (especially if I'm stressed and tired, which is quiet often), is when I have to talk to someone (I try to avoid it at all costs), while part of me is usually thinking "he, she seems a nice friendly person", my thoughts are to say to them in a derogatory way, "why don't you just go away" or if they are a person of different race, my conscience voice is calling them a very derogatory racist name.

And it simply isn't me at all.

Even when I see doctors etc for the first time (it's fine usually when I've got to know them and seen them on multiple occasions) , they might be a pretty lady etc but the thought in my head just wants me to say "god your an ugly ....."

I also think strange things. I premeditate others being rude to me and premeditate my aggressive vocal response (never ever been physically violent in my life)

For example, I might be walking my dog, I see someone in their garden and I imagine them saying to me "I hope your going to clear up after your dog"

and I rehearse the entire way I'm going to be abusive back to them, and how the argument is going to go

me "I hope your not a pedophile"
them "How dare you call me a pedophile"
me "how dare you presume I don't clear up after my dog. If you can make untrue judgments based on zero evidence about me, then I'm going to do the same to you"

and of course I walk past and they either say "morning" or nothing or make a comment on how nice my dog is.

And then I see another person in the distance and another similar scenario takes place in my mind.

It is so far from the reality of what I'm really like.

I also am a bit like a Jekyll and Hyde character, I can flip at the slightest bit of stress and scream abuse I don't mean at someone, then the next second feel as calm as anything.

For example, I had stepped onto a zebra crossing and a car went across it without stopping. OK that will get most of us angry, but I went from being as calm as anything, to shouting very very loudly (so that most people in a 1/4 mile radius probably heard) "its a zebra crossing you stupid **** idiot your supposed to **** stop" Then by the time I was over the crossing I was as calm as anything again.

And while I don't care if others choose to swear, I try not to (unless I say hit my thumb with a hammer)

The trouble is, I'm a big built man with a very common and rough accent, and while I've never been violent, I do come across as very very threatening and aggressive when I'm like that.

I can control it, but only if I'm permanently concentrating on not loosing it, for example a GP appointment, I will come across as calm mannered and very very friendly and everyone at my GP always s smiles and jokes with me. But me being aware and concentrating for a short period of time, is completely different from me being in the work place where my mind is distracted with my job, and someone saying something that makes me snap.

At the moment I am unable to work due to my depression and other problems, but it's mainly the aspects I've described in this post that's stopping me from working.

I know if a manager was rude to me, without thinking I would be 10 times as rude back, the same if a customer was rude.

Even at home, while I have the loveliest and most understanding wife anyone could wish for, occasionally, if I'm stressed, say I've received a letter from a debt collection agency that I'm in the middle of typing a letter to, she might ask me something nice like "would you liker a coffee"?

And because I'm not concentrating, and because I'm very very stressed and depressed , without thinking I will respond along the lines of "oh for expletives sake" cant you see I'm busy, expletive off" and literally 10 seconds later, I'm appologising to her.

Thankfully we've been together over 30 years and we are best of friends and she knows this isn't really me, hence ignores it (but it cant be nice for her) , but if I can be like this to her when stressed and all she#s done is ask me if I want a coffee, imagine what I can get like if someone I don't know is rude to me.

I worry about myself for two reasons.

1) I want to work, but there's no way on this planet I will hold down a job as I can no longer handle the slightest bit of stress, hence my outbursts will mean I probably wont last a day

2) I will end up putting myself in danger. When I flip, I'm not thinking, it wouldn't matter to me if I was shouting and swearing at say a bunch of 20 people armed with weapons, hence I'm very very likely at some point say this to the wrong people and end up being badly beaten or worse.

I am in financial difficulty which also doesn't help matters.

As for everything else, I don't have suicide thoughts ever, that's not to say that sometimes when another letter drops through the door, I don't sometimes wonder what's the point of living, but that's as far as it goes.

But I do find at least once a week now, I'm having such a bad day that even though I'm supposed to follow a strict diet for health reasons, I end up thinking to myself "I cant work, I have no money, there's simply no point if I cant have some enjoyment" hence I'll go and stuff my face with stuff I shouldn't eat and drink a load of alcohol I shouldn't be drinking on the meds I'm on etc.

I don't worry about things such as nuclear war, or whats happening etc and I also never ever find myself surprised or shocked at something I've seen on the news that the rest of the country etc seems totally upset by, I suppose in some ways while I'm empathetic to peoples plight, I've long learned how low we as humans can act, hence nothing surprises me anymore.

Most times when I read something that say a group of scientists have concluded after a study, or I read about say the shock of the MPs expense scandal I often wonder if I come from the same planet, as I presumed these things were already common knowledge to everyone for years.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, trying to put as much detail in as possible.
 
Cacucu

Cacucu

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 6, 2017
Messages
57
Hi Simonp, sound alot like what my mind is alike . Have you heard of BPD ? Early stage tho as in when I first had it diagnosed , well it took them for awhile coz I would be very strict and OCD and I had full time office job that point. It got later diagnosed as EUBPD , due that element that normally people with BPD cant keep a job , put iv worked years within same company etc . Read about it online and we have here in the forums aswell more info about different illnesses , but based on what you wrotemaybe worth looking into it. Also im very professional and vary whats happening when i keep my life strict and under the control. I avoid changes. I avoid alcohol and dont do drugs, I hate it when my mind changes and its not as clear and bright. And I have been very moderate with medication aswell , but its not always been this way. I drank heavily when i was first diagnosed and i hurt myself etc. I was a mess. Anyhow. hard to tell just based on this , but worth reading about it and see if you can relate and then you can bring it up with your doctor . As I said it took them forever to realize I had BPD. First I had rage outputs or whatever you call it only when drunk then randomly over words been said or things been done what feels to me threatening and I told doctors , that its not normal I get so angry for 2 sec and then 5 min later I dont really care about it at all. . But I dont know your full history and. I do hope it helps and you get alot of feedback from others to find whats the best for you and where to go from there.
 
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Sternmeer

Sternmeer

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Joined
Jan 22, 2018
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Luxembourg
To be honest, I think this is normal for anyone with pent up stress/anger/anxiety.
You behave in the way you want to in real life, but your mind reacts in a way that is 'free' so to speak - you let it all out and say whatever you want without consequences. I think if you can get to the route of your stress, the amount of anger brimming under the surface will settle down.
 
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