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Not Sure if This Counts as a PD (didn't know where else to put it)

MagpieMabel

MagpieMabel

New member
Joined
Mar 22, 2017
Messages
4
I apologise in advance if this is in the wrong place - this is my first thread on a forum so I do not really understand how it all works. Also, I apologise if I ramble, and I congratulate you if you manage to read the entire thing.

I'll start off simple - I don't seem to have emotions like other people typically have. For the most part I attempt to make an effort to seem approachable and nice, though more than not this makes people think I am creepy or weird, but none the less I try to be polite. This doesn't stop people from calling me out on being 'terse' or 'insensitive', and honestly I have no clue why they think this about me because I honestly see nothing wrong with the way I handle myself. But I digress; I just don't seem to feel how other people feel.

I have never loved anyone or even cared about them. I have a best friend who I am happy to call my best friend, but if she were to die tomorrow my only thought would be how it inconveniences me. I would not feel any sadness or heart break. She also irritates me on a day-to-day basis and I am slowly realising that I find her quite boring, that I find everyone boring. She's a flaky person and for someone like me who has to obey their routine, it of course drives me up the wall and I always end up wanting to punish her somehow. She is not someone you can rely on and wears her heart on her sleeves, and while I genuinely do enjoy her companionship at times, it is short-lived and eventually I just want her to go away.

Death does not get to me, my heart is not broken by tragedies and 'sad' things do not make me sad as they might others. Nor does being alone, I would quite like to live the rest of my life alone if I could since people don't tend to like me.

It's not as if I wish pain and suffering on anyone, quite the opposite, I think people suffer more than they should and that the world is awful for the most part and if I could snap my fingers and save everyone, I would. But at the same time I am not effected by it or moved at all be miserable things - it's not like being sad is going to change anything.

And because of how I feel I just don't comprehend how other people cannot feel like me too - if that strange sentence makes sense. I just figured everyone felt the way I did and held up this pretence of 'giving a shit', but apparently most people don't and it's me who is an anomaly. I can not help the way I feel and yet I am punished for it by the people around me, as if because I don't sugar coat things and pretend to care, suddenly I am a bad guy. Surely faux-caring would be an insult and the truth the best course of action. I would never wish a stranger any harm or delight in other's pain, but that's what I seem to get typecast as because I don't cry when a puppy dies.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I in the wrong here for not pretending to care? I honestly feel very shallow most of the time, like I don't actually have any substance and just walk through life without taking part in anything.

The only emotions I know I feel for certain are aggravation/anger and anxiety. A lot of things get under my skin and they linger there. Like liquids touching my skin, or things not matching up or being in the right sequence of numbers. I like to snap my fingers three times when I have an idea and then count my fingers in beats of three when trying to not lose my temper. I also get very angry at food and easily vomit when something looks like something else. I always somehow talk myself into thinking things - for instance, I convinced myself there were fly eggs in mayonnaise and now vomit when I see mayo and get furious at people who eat it.

I guess, I am a bit strange...maybe and to be perfectly honest I would like to feel differently if that's possible.
 
blurrypeach

blurrypeach

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 11, 2017
Messages
599
Location
Europe
I apologise in advance if this is in the wrong place - this is my first thread on a forum so I do not really understand how it all works. Also, I apologise if I ramble, and I congratulate you if you manage to read the entire thing.

I'll start off simple - I don't seem to have emotions like other people typically have. For the most part I attempt to make an effort to seem approachable and nice, though more than not this makes people think I am creepy or weird, but none the less I try to be polite. This doesn't stop people from calling me out on being 'terse' or 'insensitive', and honestly I have no clue why they think this about me because I honestly see nothing wrong with the way I handle myself. But I digress; I just don't seem to feel how other people feel.

I have never loved anyone or even cared about them. I have a best friend who I am happy to call my best friend, but if she were to die tomorrow my only thought would be how it inconveniences me. I would not feel any sadness or heart break. She also irritates me on a day-to-day basis and I am slowly realising that I find her quite boring, that I find everyone boring. She's a flaky person and for someone like me who has to obey their routine, it of course drives me up the wall and I always end up wanting to punish her somehow. She is not someone you can rely on and wears her heart on her sleeves, and while I genuinely do enjoy her companionship at times, it is short-lived and eventually I just want her to go away.

Death does not get to me, my heart is not broken by tragedies and 'sad' things do not make me sad as they might others. Nor does being alone, I would quite like to live the rest of my life alone if I could since people don't tend to like me.

It's not as if I wish pain and suffering on anyone, quite the opposite, I think people suffer more than they should and that the world is awful for the most part and if I could snap my fingers and save everyone, I would. But at the same time I am not effected by it or moved at all be miserable things - it's not like being sad is going to change anything.

And because of how I feel I just don't comprehend how other people cannot feel like me too - if that strange sentence makes sense. I just figured everyone felt the way I did and held up this pretence of 'giving a shit', but apparently most people don't and it's me who is an anomaly. I can not help the way I feel and yet I am punished for it by the people around me, as if because I don't sugar coat things and pretend to care, suddenly I am a bad guy. Surely faux-caring would be an insult and the truth the best course of action. I would never wish a stranger any harm or delight in other's pain, but that's what I seem to get typecast as because I don't cry when a puppy dies.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I in the wrong here for not pretending to care? I honestly feel very shallow most of the time, like I don't actually have any substance and just walk through life without taking part in anything.

The only emotions I know I feel for certain are aggravation/anger and anxiety. A lot of things get under my skin and they linger there. Like liquids touching my skin, or things not matching up or being in the right sequence of numbers. I like to snap my fingers three times when I have an idea and then count my fingers in beats of three when trying to not lose my temper. I also get very angry at food and easily vomit when something looks like something else. I always somehow talk myself into thinking things - for instance, I convinced myself there were fly eggs in mayonnaise and now vomit when I see mayo and get furious at people who eat it.

I guess, I am a bit strange...maybe and to be perfectly honest I would like to feel differently if that's possible.

Hello,
Welcome to the forum :hi:

All the personality disorders in the DSM-V are deviations from what is deemed as normal in the society you live in, in one or more of the following:
- cognition (thinking, the way you see yourself and the others, etc.);
- affectivity (emotional responses);
- interpersonal functions;
- and/or impulsivity.

Personally, some of the things you say do remind me of cluster B personality disorders (which are borderline, antisocial, histrionic and narcissistic) but also cluster C (which are avoidant, dependant, and OCD). I can't say for sure though; you should look into each of them. Google something like "DSM-V (name) personality disorder diagnostic criteria" and see if what it says sounds like you. Keep in mind some PD's are comorbid. People with BPD especially tend to have more personality disorders, usually from the same cluster.

However, we can't give you a diagnosis here, if that's what you were looking for. You can do some research to have an idea of what might be going on, but you should contact a therapist to get proper help.
 
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MagpieMabel

MagpieMabel

New member
Joined
Mar 22, 2017
Messages
4
Hello, thank you for the warm welcome.

I apologise if it came across as myself hunting for a diagnosis, I would never self-diagnose or take the diagnosis of someone who was not trained in that field. I probably did not word myself correctly.

I guess, what I was attempting to do was explain my 'predicament' in a manner that others might be able to apply an explanation to, or maybe even have experienced themselves; and due to this maybe offer some idea about how I could possibly manage it.

I always struggle with myself in regard to what is 'healthy behaviour' or 'a healthy mindset' as both are very subjective notions - though of course there are extreme deviations that cross the line into 'unhealthy'.

I confuse myself.
 
blurrypeach

blurrypeach

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 11, 2017
Messages
599
Location
Europe
Hello, thank you for the warm welcome.

I apologise if it came across as myself hunting for a diagnosis, I would never self-diagnose or take the diagnosis of someone who was not trained in that field. I probably did not word myself correctly.

I guess, what I was attempting to do was explain my 'predicament' in a manner that others might be able to apply an explanation to, or maybe even have experienced themselves; and due to this maybe offer some idea about how I could possibly manage it.

I always struggle with myself in regard to what is 'healthy behaviour' or 'a healthy mindset' as both are very subjective notions - though of course there are extreme deviations that cross the line into 'unhealthy'.

I confuse myself.

Don't worry! As far as I know nobody here condemns self-dx anyways. It doesn't seem like you're hunting for a diagnosis. Sorry if that's what it sounded like from my post! You did well by asking here.

Not knowing what is a normal behaviour is a thing people with PD's experience.
I very strongly suspect I have BPD and I have always felt like that too.
And also feeling different from anyone else, in the way they interact with others and feel emotions.
I've always thought I was inherently wrong until I came across BPD and thought "wow, that's... me."

What I suggest is you read the symptoms/diagnostic criteria for cluster B and cluster C personality disorders. Some things you said also sound like mild OCD to me

Take care
 
Last edited:
MagpieMabel

MagpieMabel

New member
Joined
Mar 22, 2017
Messages
4
I personally do not think self-diagnosis is healthy, and I also have a double-edged sword in the fact I have studied in psychology and know a fair bit about PD's. Knowing what I know, I would never want to try and see myself in the typology if that makes sense; a doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient, and all that.

I know there is something underlying with my pathology that has always ruminated there, and I suppose as I have gotten older what once maybe have been considered 'childish behaviour' has become 'cold and hostile adult who likes to make people cry'.

I have been diagnosed with OCD, I can confirm that, though I have never quite grasped the reach of the illness within me as I honestly thought there was nothing wrong until I ran a cheese-grater down my arm to get off some rain water I thought was planting bugs in me.

Maybe I should speak to someone, though I always worry you'll just get tossed medication without actually being considered in your entirety.

Sorry, I am rambling, I don't talk about this within anyone else because there is no one else, so maybe I am unloading a bit.
 
blurrypeach

blurrypeach

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 11, 2017
Messages
599
Location
Europe
I personally do not think self-diagnosis is healthy, and I also have a double-edged sword in the fact I have studied in psychology and know a fair bit about PD's. Knowing what I know, I would never want to try and see myself in the typology if that makes sense; a doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient, and all that.

I know there is something underlying with my pathology that has always ruminated there, and I suppose as I have gotten older what once maybe have been considered 'childish behaviour' has become 'cold and hostile adult who likes to make people cry'.

I have been diagnosed with OCD, I can confirm that, though I have never quite grasped the reach of the illness within me as I honestly thought there was nothing wrong until I ran a cheese-grater down my arm to get off some rain water I thought was planting bugs in me.

Maybe I should speak to someone, though I always worry you'll just get tossed medication without actually being considered in your entirety.

Sorry, I am rambling, I don't talk about this within anyone else because there is no one else, so maybe I am unloading a bit.

I don't like self-diagnosis that much either, but at the same time, I understand why one would want to self-diagnose. Not everyone can afford to see a therapist being one of the reasons :(

You don't necessarily have to self-diagnose after you read the diagnostic criteria, on the contrary, you could bring it up to a therapist, saying you suspect you might have X or Y. It could greatly help them in understanding you, then you can leave it to them to determine.

Ouch at the cheese-grater part. :eek:

The best option would be to see a private therapist (that is, if you're not already seeing anyone) but that may be too expensive for some and I completely understand it. In some states they offer free therapy/counselling.

Don't worry about unloading! Feel free to talk about anything - this is one of the purposes of this forum after all. We all need to vent from time to time. :hug:
 
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