• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Not sure if I should go back to the hospital or not?

NyxieKitten

NyxieKitten

Member
Joined
Mar 17, 2020
Messages
9
Location
Lakewood, Ohio
TW: Suicidal Ideation, loss of family

So I was in the hospital a little over a month ago due to a psychotic break with symptoms of mania and psychosis. I finally get back on my medications after two years and got back on a somewhat "normal" sleep schedule.I have been doing, alright, mostly enjoying the extra free time I have off with my cats (Went down to part time after hospitalization.) Well recently I have been having a lot of thoughts and what I may call suicidal ideation? TLDR of the matter is that I have become very existential and realize I am losing everyone important to me, and its about to come FAST, no one I am talking about is particularly healthy. I realize the people I am about to lose are people most don't have the LUXURY of having in their lives, (two sets of great grandparents and my maternal grandparents.) Well I keep having these thoughts that keep me up at night, they are intense and almost psychedelic. I keep thinking of how easy it would be to just....never wake up and not have to deal with the hurt that is coming. That I am better off not here anyways because all I manage to do is anger others. I keep thinking about the inevitable death of everything I know and just how easy it is to end life on earth and it makes me sit and wonder why I should even want to be here? I never asked to be born, and I never asked to have to try and fit in, and now some of the only people I have to live for are slipping out of my grasp. I have my cats sure, and I have my boyfriend who lives with me, but sometimes I just think about how he will inevitably leave too after me and my disorders become "too much"
 
B

BeStrong2020

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2020
Messages
74
Location
Asia
Hi Nyxie, sorry about what you are feeling right now, life is not easy.
Have you had any issues with your disorder lately? Are your grandparents currently ok?
 
Clydol_17

Clydol_17

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 5, 2020
Messages
68
Location
Philippines
That I am better off not here anyways because all I manage to do is anger others. I keep thinking about the inevitable death of everything I know and just how easy it is to end life on earth and it makes me sit and wonder why I should even want to be here? I never asked to be born, and I never asked to have to try and fit in, and now some of the only people I have to live for are slipping out of my grasp. I have my cats sure, and I have my boyfriend who lives with me, but sometimes I just think about how he will inevitably leave too after me and my disorders become "too much"
I relate with what you said. Got a little teary-eyed even. I, too, feel like I'm just a burden to everyone around me more often than not. My boyfriend tells me the world is better with me in it but there have been instances wherein his actions say otherwise. I am the obvious problem in the relationship because I have this illness. It's just sad.

Me telling myself that there is still much to live for somewhat keeps me going. I still want to graduate from university. I still want to feel the feeling of not being dependent on my parents anymore (I recall my mom slapping to my face the fact that I rely on her for money to buy medication, because of an arguments on our political stances but that's a story for another time. Also she threatened to bring up my past mistakes but that's also a story for another time. In short, she's somewhat not good for my mental health and I should be thankful I'm not staying with her during this covid19 crisis.)

Anyway, maybe you can think of that. What are the things you can look forward to. Death is inevitable and death of loved ones will definitely be tragic, that is life. Though you feeling like you might not be able to handle that well or at all is valid. Then again, ceasing to exist by your own means is not the answer.
 
ara13

ara13

Active member
Joined
Mar 8, 2020
Messages
44
Location
USA
I'm so sorry to hear all of this, I hope you are ok. Do you have a doctor you can speak to about these things? For me thinking about how inevitably everyone I love is going to die (my grandparents and parents) has made me want to die, but these thoughts generally come when I'm about to have a mood swing or psychosis. Do you feel like that? What you're thinking and feeling is totally real and valid but if it's making you feel suicidal I think you might be in danger and want to talk to a doctor, or if you really feel like you need it, go to the hospital. I hope you can find a way to feel like life is worthwhile again. For me it helps to remember that it's just chemicals in my brain making me feel this way, it's not the person I want to be. Wishing you all the best.
 

Similar threads

Top