- Oct 6, 2019
Hi, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I don’t think I accept death anymore. Like when I was young I knew I could’ve died at a younger age. Say I’m 14 years old on August 5 and I know I could’ve died August 6 and so forth. I still accepted it and continue being happy. As I grew older though, I don’t know what happened, suddenly I don’t accept it. Everyday I feel fear about it gonna happen one day or maybe I’m depressed? I don’t feel sad like wanting to cry or self harm or anything but I’m not happy anymore or at least I don’t think I am. I used to like going to Mexico a lot and when time got closer to the date of going, I used to be outgoing having like that happy butterfly feeling in my stomach knowing I was gonna hang with my cousins and friends over there. Those feelings that make you not mind or even active in doing things you hate doing, like that outgoing feeling because you’re so happy and excited. I even built a house over there because I like going over there. Once they finished building it, I fainted and my life changed. I don’t accept death, I think about how each and every single day I’m getting closer to death and I’m afraid. I see my cousins who are older than me and they love life. If I don’t like going to Mexico anymore, why am I stressed about it or even mad that “I don’t like going.”? Shouldn’t I not mind if I hate it now? If it’s because of doing things different like going and try new places or things, places I always wanted to visit, I still feel like sluggish even thinking of the new places. I have a cousin who’s daughter fainted as well and it seems like it was for the same reason as mine, and lives still happily like she never fainted because like how they told me, the faint didn’t mean anything. Do I hate the things I used to like or is it that it can be depression and that’s affecting me to hate things I used to like. Do I still like going to Mexico and things are just going in my mind right now? Man, what is it or could it be that I feel like scared of life? Will I could’ve been the same if it wasn’t for that faint. Well it didn’t happen after the faint. Couple years before I had some sort chest burn but u still feel happy. I wonder how it can go away after realizing death can occur. I don’t know anymore. Just fear of death but I can’t stop thinking of it.