Not sure anymore

F

ForumName

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Jan 1, 2019
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#1
...
Don’t know where to start .. I have had depression for years, have been in recovery for 12 years (alcoholism).
I’m so lost , I feel like I have really dipped over December, I’m no longer on meds, had been on them most of my life, came off them 8 months ago.
I don’t think I have ever been happy, and don’t think I enjoy anything, not sure if I want to be in my relationship, not sure, everything feels wrong... it feels like the things that should make me happy don’t. I go from anxiety to depression... I wonder if I have eupd.
I get obsessed by things that I worry about.
I can’t past how bad a person I have been in the past, have spent my whole life , being successful (so people say) but feeling like a failure, everything I have done has always been Spoilt by feeling like I was rubbish at it.
I feel sucidal much of the time, and feel trapped by my work, I have commitments to and for people.. I think if I didn’t I would end it.
At time I get really critical of people around me, and am horrible to my partner.
I hate the person I am and I hate being me.
 
calypso

calypso

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#2
Hello and :welcome: to the forum. I am sorry you are feeling so bad. It must be so difficult for you to feel this way and have to keep going for others. Your partner obviously still loves you as they are still with you. Being critical of others often happens when we are hyper critical of ourselves. Did you have critical parents? We often learn this in childhood.

There is an organisation (if you are British) which works for relationship problems and they in turn help with other issues as well. Try looking at Relationship counselling and support for couples and individuals | Relate and see if you can find something they offer to help you.
 
F

ForumName

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Jan 1, 2019
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#3
Thank you

Thanks for your reply, im doing a little better this last few days, i guess what makes me sad is that i often look forward to the Holidays or other events, thinking that i will connect and feel somthing diffrent , and then when i dont it connects me with how down i really am, Chrchill described depression as the Absance of joy, and i think that sums it up for me, i dont always feel down, but i never feel joy
and that.. is getting harder to live with
 

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