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Not really sure



New member
Nov 12, 2014
I'm not really sure what forum this should be in, but I feel like sharing so I can get advice on what I should do. Keep in mind I live in a small town and the closest specialist is a good 2 hours away. Also sorry for what is probably about to be a wall of text.

I'll start off when I was a kid that way you have some background. When I was younger I was always more to myself and a small group of friends. I was in "advanced" programs and such and on occasions was a candidate for moving up grades early (however my mother did not want me to because of the age difference and I was already youngest in my class). For the first few years (up to around 3rd grade) everything was great I loved going to school, but then after that year things started to change and I was all of the sudden falling to the bottom or my classes and getting in trouble for talking/not sitting still. Around this time I started to feel awkward all of the time, I had trouble remember things from class and would constantly find myself looking around the room or out of the window, at any rate I never could get my work done in a timely manner.

As I got older I was able to repress the need to move around for the most part (otherwise I would take bathroom breaks and try to burn of energy quickly) but I started to fidget, constantly shaking my legs anywhere from subtle to violently depending on how much I was trying to concentrate on my work, I continued to float along the passing line, but the part that seemed to always lack was work I had to do on my own. At this point in my life I had also become pretty introverted, I hardly talked to anyone other than my closest friend and my parents because I kept having symptoms of what I now know as panic attacks. It was like when I tried to talk to someone (or someone talked to me) I would be ok for a second, but the suddenly everything the person was saying started to become jumbled in my head like all the words began to collide. At the same time I was always trying to think of what to say before, every single outcome, and what to physically do in X situation. People would get mad that I "wasn't paying attention" because I had a hard time remembering small tasks I was supposed to do or getting anything done on time (I never could remember dates)

High school was pretty much the same, I have now gone years being told I'm just shy and I would grow out of it even when I tried to explain why I couldn't just communicate on the fly. I also came to realize that phone calls were 100x worse once I got a cell phone (to this day I never make calls if I can avoid doing so) I completely slipped in high school and started actually failing subjects I should have been excelling in, I had lost all interest and drive to actually do anything. I would hang out with a small group of friends after school but never really anyone else. In my junior senior year I missed my chance to take the ACT at school because I had the wrong date/time. I would consistently be late to anything and everything to the point where my tardiness would get me detentions. I stuck with school, but by the time I graduated I gave up on college because I was mortified if I would be able to live alone, some times I completely forget I need to eat because I'll get so wrapped up in things.

As gross as it sounds to this day I still struggle to make sure I remember to provide all my needs (I have a schedule and even then get it all messed up) I'll go days without brushing my teeth and then realize I had somehow forgotten to do things I've routinely done for years, if I don't set alarms on things I'm cooking I always burn it, I've even went for at least a week without showering because when is get home I'd have "so much to do" id just keep going until I passed out.

Now at this point in my life I have managed to get a great job (pretty much my dream jobs foundation) however I am very worried as I easily get of track to what I need to be doing. I am a web developer and also a database engineer, I love computer coding, but it seems lately that at work I lose focus when I'm coding and I'm taking twice the time I should be, I realize I'm procrastinating (at least that's what others would call it) because I randomly come two and realize "wait I should be doing this". I've been late for work a lot (so much my boss has come to accept I will be late, but my quality makes up for it, she says) and I have trouble remembering a lot of small details I need to remember for my job. I don't really know what to do because I am stressing that these issues are going to cause my ok and on the rise life down to nothing, sometimes to the point I feel physically sick thinking about it.
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