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not really sure what's wrong...

S

stranger

New member
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
4
Hi everyone, I just found this site and I was wondering if someone could possibly give me some insight.

I'm not really sure where to start but i guess I'll just start writing.

More and more I feel irritable and low. I have mood swings, I can go from feeling hopeless to very angry in less than an hour. This anger is so strong I feel it in the pit of my stomach like it's about to burst. In the past I self harmed in different ways. I never attempted suicide but I have thought of it many times. I'm not always depressed though I have better periods but they seem short lived. Certain situations and people give me a high, but once they're gone I can plummet. The need to self harm feels like it's escalating and it feels like I'm going to break and give in. I feel so tired emotionally and I wish I could cease to exist. I also get easily tired physically, and it feels like mentally I'm suffering as well. I have trouble concentrating, remembering things, focusing, as well as feeling cloudy, or that the inside of my head feels so heavy. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping even though I'm tired. I know in some cases this is stress related, but in others I just can't sleep. Other times I can sleep for 9 hours and still feel tired when I wake up. I don't know how to really explain this but I feel like I don't have a clear image of myself. Most of the time being in public is something I would rather avoid, and the feeling varies from me feeling ok to wishing that the earth would open up and swallow me. The fact that others can see me becomes difficult and becoming invisible would feel safe. When in school walking through campus or being in class is a bit nerve wrecking. When I'm able to go into a secluded place (washroom, car) I feel such a sense of relief. Generally I feel like I'm destructive. There is a part of me that harbors pure rage toward myself. This part of me wants me to suffer in all possible ways, makes me need to hurt, in a sense I know that I deserve this pain. Sometimes I feel like I'm a monster, evil, I have compassion for others but at the same time I wonder if I am really capable of loving. I'm prone to anger issues, which I try to keep in check because it feels like when I blow up i lose control. Sometimes i feel so desperate for someone just to love me. I don't know how to explain this but sometimes the longing becomes suffocating. I become attached very easily and I think that I idealize people, but after some time they become so flawed. It's like I set them up to see how far they would go and this feels wonderful, like I'm wanted, but once they reach that point I set them up for it feels like they failed me. Like the reason they're around is because that's all they wanted from me. After that sometimes I begin to hate them. I feel that they hurt me, but I know this is all my doing. But before it even goes that far, before I'm able to set them up I think that maybe I try to make myself what they want me to be or make myself look like I'm someone they'd really want, even if it's someone that I'm not particularly interested in in the long run. I believe that I am incapable and undeserving of love, of being loved and accepted. I hate myself so much for this, and I hate everyone else because if they could only love me than maybe i'd be saved, but at the same time no one is to blame but me. I don't know how but it's all my fault. It's my fault for being who I am, how can I blame someone for not loving something that is not meant to be loved. I have a hard time when people leave, I thought this was just me but I'm wondering if there's more to it. When my sister comes to visit, and leaves I feel so sad and empty, I end up hurt and cry. If I know she's only here for a day or two it takes a while for me to "warm up" and I think it's because I'm afraid of feeling that pain when she's gone. I also believe that I have trust issues. Physically I think I'm majorly flawed. Part of the reason why I have problems being seen is because of how I see myself physically. Most of the time I don't have a clear image of my physical appearance, but at the same time it's almost as if I'm ashamed for anyone to see me, my ugliness, disfigurement. A while back I felt like I'm rotting from the inside out. I nearly started feeling desperate and in need of a cleansing/cleaning in a sense of starting over. I kept having this image in my mind that from my inside out everything needed to be burnt to ashes, or I would see myself being erased completely erased. I know this sounds pretty messed up. I don't really know what else to say this is very long already. I know I should go see someone, but I'd like to get some unbiased opinions. I guess my trust in the health care system has suffered after my few failed experiences with trying to get any sort of diagnoses.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this.
 
S

stranger

New member
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
4
There are a few things I'd like to add. I tried editing but it didn't work for some reason.

Going back to being in public, there have been times that I would get to campus (after driving for over 40 minutes) Just to skip that class and sit in the car to collect myself, or leave and go to a quite place like a park. In a sense I would feel relief but at the same time feel guilty for skipping. I think I have a fear of criticism and rejection. More likely than not I'm depressed, and I wonder if I have a form of anxiety disorder. Though at the same time I feel like everything is so random with me, or that I don't have enough symptoms to be diagnosed with any disorder, even though I'm pretty sure that how I feel, and the things that go through my head are not part of a healthy individual.

Ok I think that's all.
 
S

saffron

Guest
hi stranger
sorry to hear that you are going through such a b ad time at the moment. and welcome to the forum.
you sound very confused and insecure with yourself, your self esteem ssounds very low which may explain why you feel yhou need to be someone else or behave/dress/talk in a way that you percieve will get you accepted. this is a rocky road to follow my friend, the person will like you for yourself not something you think they need, but then you self esteem wont let you feel that you are worthy of them loving you for yourself, does this sound familier?
Depression, anxiety and stress can cause lots of negative feelings, and this may all stem from you having low self esteem and no confidence in yourself as a person.
you do deserve love, you are a worthy person and you do deserve to be happy.
turning your self loathing onto yourself as a punishment is common but can ruin lives.
By what I have read, there could be a number of reason for you fearing social situations, feeling unwanted, scared of intimacy, this self loathing and confusion.
I would go and see your doctor, take a printout of your post and ask him give you some help. there are lots of things you can try also to boost your own self esteem, raise your confidence and accept yourself for who you are, a precious, unique and worthwhile person.
thinking of you, and please come back and chat some more, it will help. there will always be someone on here ready to listen and chat, although we cannot diagnose.
best wishes
S:hug:
 
S

stranger

New member
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
4
Thank you Saffron for your reply. I really do appreciate it. I think I should go see someone and taking a printout is an excellent idea which I never thought of. I'm surrounded by people who don't really acknowledge mental/emotional well-being as part of overall well-being. You made me feel a little less alone. So thank you for that and your feedback and suggestions.
 
S

saffron

Guest
I hope you find the support you need as you deserve to be happy.
it is hard for others to understand what we go through, unless they experience it themselves it will not seem serious to them, generally people have this old long way of thinking that you are either a drama queen or that you are looking for a ttention or exagerating, unfortunately it is hard to reach a lot of people. Which is why, i think, that it is a fruitless task in trying and that discussions should be between people who will understand, leave the rest for normal everyday chatter, sharing and enjoyment. trying to convince someone can only lead to more frustration, withdrawal and feelings of rejection. if that makes sense. I also think that somepeople who do understand or do suffer, sometimes find it hard to listen, help and support because they themselves are not strong enough emotionally, so they avoid it to save thier own feelings.
anyway, you will find the help you need, and you can always drop on here and chat away with us.
take care
S:hug:
 
S

stranger

New member
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
4
Just wanted to say that I went to see my doctor with print out in hand. She diagnosed me with depression and mild anxiety and wants me to start taking antidepressants, she also gave me a contact number for counseling.
 
S

saffron

Guest
well thats good, hope you are feeling a bit better now, I find counselling helps, so ho-e you do too.
best wishes
s:hug:
 
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