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Not really sure about this one

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Dreaming of a Nightmare

Active member
Joined
Nov 22, 2011
Messages
34
Hey, I don't really come here that often, I'm not really a fan of discussing issues and such, which is sort of my issue here.

Over the past few months or so, I've seen quite a drastic change in my own behavior, and personality. I guess since I'm posting in the Personality Disorders Forum, you've figured that I suspect something along those lines.

I'll start off by saying that I haven't talked to a Doctor about this. I tried talking to my Mom, she told me that I ''need to get out more'' (long story, I'm a bedroom hermit - don't socialize outside of the Internet at all)

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Anyway, the issue; Gosh, how do I put this without going tl;dr? Yes, there's so little balance when it comes to my emotions.

My emotions seem to spiral frantically. For a majority of the time, I just feel null, just an emptiness. I can still laugh at things, I can still get angry at things, but everything else is pure indifference.

That usually goes on for a week or so, then the depressive period hits. Usually there is a trigger. The feeling of not fitting in, looking back at past experiences, thinking of the future e.t.c. that kind of stuff. Once it's triggered, it's downhill from there. I tend to go deeper into isolation than I already am. It's an awful feeling, that feeling where you're bordering on crawling onto the floor and crying for a few hours. Why? Most of the time, I can't explain.

The only thing I have to look forward to is the ecstatic period that follows. The depressive periods lasts about a day, usually I'll get some sleep, find a distraction, or literally just snap out of it. I'm nicer as I'm like this, I'm kinder, I'm not argumentative, I'm more talkative, I get become more social and optimistic; on and offline, I become ambitious and actually make plans. Personally I love being in that state, I wish I were like this 100% of the time but alas, nope, it doesn't last. It'll go on for a day or two...

And then, well, then something will lead on to the next snap. Then, to put it nicely, I just turn nasty. I manage to keep it in, for the most part. I can keep it moderate, but the thoughts are still in there, and I'm more on edge. That tough guy feeling, ''Don't push me, I will snap'' is pretty strong. Mostly, it's just snark, but at it's peak, I've said nasty things, even done nasty things. Largely, I don't care for the effects, I just want to get my rage out. If that means offending someone then sure [something nasty], the more offense, the better.

After I while, it sort of merges back into indifference, just meh. It's the snarky periods that last the longest, usually for quite a few days.


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Why am I hear ranting about this? Because it's becoming a pattern. The depressive periods seem to be weakening, but the frantic changes between indifference, nasty and ecstaticness still run wild. I would go into more detail, but the post would be longer, I don't want to bore anyone. :unsure:

I had suspected bipolar for a while, even schizoid (that's a whole other rant), now B.P.D. Truth is, I have no idea, and I'm not looking for a diagnoses over the net.

I want to understand, is all. In your honest opinion (if you've read all of this) what does this sound like? The only reason I suspect BPD is because a friend had suggested I take a look, and I appear to fit it.

Like I said, I ain't making any diagnosis, I'm not looking for one. Apologies if this causes any offense, or is in the wrong section, or I'm just ranting about stuff,
 
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OBIWAN

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 7, 2009
Messages
185
What you say sounds simalar to myself,do you feel really bad in the mornings?Mood wise?
 
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Dreaming of a Nightmare

Active member
Joined
Nov 22, 2011
Messages
34
What you say sounds simalar to myself,do you feel really bad in the mornings?Mood wise?

At the moment, I don't keep a sleeping pattern (since I'm at home), I get up when my body feels ready. But back when I was in college, I would feel awful in the morning, almost a deathly feeling. Usually I will feel bad in the morning though.

But that's another issue IMO, I've always suspected that as DSPS since those issues predate my emotional imbalances by several years.
 
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