Not quite sure?

[keepsafe]

Hello,

I'm not quite sure if I should post here?

I have been currently seeing my G.P two to three times a week since Sept with depression. In between sept and now I have also had crisis care. I am in the process of assesment by a clinical psychologist, the problem is I have had two appointments already and then the psychologist has gone off sick for the forseeable future. I have an appointment on Wednesday with a new psych - which they said I would still see the same one in the New Year - but anyway I'm really scared I don't want to do this anymore, I don't feel like I will ever be able to get over what I am trying to battle with and I don't know how I can talk about it or what they will want me to say. My doctor says I cannot and will not get better without treatment and no matter how many tablets they threw at me it wouldn't make it better.

I am on mertazapine and zopiclone, I have just been taken off respiridone - but I now feel like I'm drawing even further in to myself - like I'm trying to hide from everyone and everything including myself. I don't want to let my doctor down - she has tried really hard to help me.

They know the problem but I am in constant battle with myself to confront it.
Can anyone help???? Listen?????


Not a great intro sorry :-((

 

[honeyquince]

Hi Keepsafe and welcome to the forum.

The forum is a great place to share and air anything that you are facing at the moment and I'd say that from what you have said there are many people who share similar experiences and are active here (just have a look at some of the recently active blogs!). It's a great place to discuss problems and to get support and possible ideas for ways forward. And everyone is dead friendly as well.

So, while everyone is different I'll stick my neck out and say that, in a nut shell the forum could be just the place for you (alongside all of the non-virtual support of course).

Anyway, I hope that you do find the forum a help and it's good to have you here. Jump in whenever you feel comfortable.

 

[GrizzlyBear]

Hi Keepsafe,

I hope you find this forum helpful and supportive.

I'm new here too....I agree with your doctor that pills alone probably won't help you. It is hard for some people to talk.....and some things are so hard to talk about....but sometimes letting a bit of it out makes a big difference and then you may have the courage to keep going with it.

I'm probably not being very helpful but I do believe with all my heart that recovery is possible and I hope you get there soon.

 

[keepsafe]

Thanks for the replies - I take comfort in knowing I am not alone.

I am down and down like a broken yoyo. I was going to say up and down, but there are downs then deeper.

I keep trying to be positive but flashbacks/events from my past are at the forefront of my mind, because I am trying to get help to overcome a traumatic childhood the events seem to be stuck there and I keep replaying/playing them. I don't seem to be able to switch off, its o.k for my g.p to say I need to keep talking but the talking is messing with my head big time.



My thoughts then change to even more stupid thoughts like s.h just to stop the other stuff.

I'm really not very good at explaining myself - I have been used to never talking about it and I have built up very big walls and really played a part for a very long time

who am I really?

I feel the safest sat saying nothing in the G.P's room but that can't save me can it - It is the only constant at the moment in my life.

 

[GrizzlyBear]

Keepsafe:

Unfortunately it seems that for therapy to work we have to 'suffer' through stuff. It sucks and I keep wondering why I'm not getting better...but I know a lot of the stuff that's in there has to be dealt with and sometimes that means pain I would rather do without. And I feel confident I will get better when I've got things more organised and understood. Ignoring it does'nt help. I know....I've tried.

I think you've done a good job at explaining yourself.....just talk to your therapist the way you are writing to us.

Personally I have'nt found talking to any GP much help.....so if it's difficult to talk I recommend you concentrate on those trained to help when you do.....my pshychologist is excellent. It would be very easy to be put off by some inane comment from a GP.

Oh....you say "who am I really?".....oh....this is exactly what I'm going through right now......it is hard work.

Oh....one other thing.....have you considered art therapy at all? Can be one way to externalize those things (trauma from childhood) in a less distressing way.

 

[Dollit]

Hi Keepsafe - it's true, medication alone doesn't help. But please believe me when I say if you confront the memories and the demons they do go in time. If you stare fear in the face it runs away. Keep coming back and welcome.

 

[keepsafe]

Thanks for the advise G.B - I struggle with huge trust issues so at the moment the only person I feel comfortable with is my g.p - I know the Psych's are trained professionals and I hope that my outlook towards the psychologist will change - I don't even remember the other sessions I had - the second one I just cried the whole way through just saying one sentence triggered this. I haven't thought of any other therapies as I am really struggling to cope, but I may be able to think about this at some other time.

Hi Keepsafe - it's true, medication alone doesn't help. But please believe me when I say if you confront the memories and the demons they do go in time. If you stare fear in the face it runs away. Keep coming back and welcome.

I hope so dollit - my demon is dead but my life has been stolen - I need to change this sentence - I need to so badly.

 

[Dollit]

Your life has only been stolen if you allow it to be. Your life may be altered but it's still yours. You can only be a victim if that's how you label yourself. I really know because I've been there and done that. Make 2009 the year you reclaim yourself - life may always be hard but it's not always the same.

 

[keepsafe]

I know you are right -I have tears in my eyes.

I don't want to be a victim thats why I never wanted to talk.

Must take my meds and suck it up

 

[Dollit]

Talking won't make you a victim, it will set you free but it will take time. Be brave xx

 

[keepsafe]

Thankyou, I will be brave - I keep trying to hang on to the bravery, it keeps slipping away.

Taken my meds - will go to bed and hope my head will switch off and I will try not to think about/project what will happen on Wednesday.

Goodnight
x

 

[Dollit]

Don't try to hold on too tight, let it cover you. And when you feel it slipping away think of what I've been telling you. Take care and sleep well. xx

 

[GrizzlyBear]

Thanks for the advise G.B - I struggle with huge trust issues so at the moment the only person I feel comfortable with is my g.p - I know the Psych's are trained professionals and I hope that my outlook towards the psychologist will change

Aw....well it's nice that you trust your GP.

The moment I saw my psychologist I knew she was a nice person and I could trust her. Maybe the new one you have an appointment with you will feel more at ease with. Hope so.

 

[keepsafe]

Thanks and I take away the group hug
Night night

 

[emski]

keepsafe

I think you are doing really well talking here as much as you have done already. Just keep at it and you can come through this