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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Not ok

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notok

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2009
Messages
12
Location
London
Hi,
I'm not ok. I've not been ok for days, months, years now. I've always tried to deny it. It's not been easy and now I cannot avoid it any longer. It's creeping in too much and I can't ignore it.
I have never been myself. I don't know who myself is. It almost feels like I was never born. Instead there is this odd creature, which scans everything around her and tries to make sense of it through filters of insecurity, anxiety, mistrust, jealousy and possession. I have never been spontaneous. I always conceptualise and overanalise before taking any decision and acting on things. I lie, because I have no real personal opinion about anything; there just isn't a 'I' in me who can have thoughts and truly feel anything for real. I am and have always been a spectator of my own life, or rather it's like I am watching this thing taking over my life and the little me, deep inside, is constantly crying because it cannot exist.
I have never truly been able to relate to anyone, expect maybe my sister, instinctively. I have had many friendships, most of them short lived and extremely passionate. I literally suffocate the other person until there is nothing positive left from our relationship. If the person is male, it gets very very awkward. I analise every word, every action and I know that the other person(s) can feel this.
I meet this person recently. I found him to be very kind and very interesting. I wanted to be his friend. It started off well. I wasn't thinking too much about it. He came to me. And now I act like he's my possession. I am completely aware of it and yet I cannot stop myself or even hide it very well. I have scared him away and it feels very painful. He is truly a great person, with experiences so different from mine. I only wanted to know him better. Nothing more. BUt it wont happen and I feel like I will never, ever be able to relate to anyone for real. I get too intense. I am too insecure. I can't take decisions for myself and at the same time, I am authoritative.
Life is not worth living without relationships (of any kind). I know I have had the potential to relate to someone, so I wonder: why was I born? What is this cruel irony which puts a creature on Earth which is not able to integrate and even physically adapt to its environment?
A lot of the above is related to events which happened when I was younger. My family is very, very closed. Until very recently you couldn't say how you felt. My mother is bipolar. We were not allowed to upset her. I never said anything to my parents, or anyone else. I just went through the motion. And now I am completely and utterly empty.
 
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eternaljourney

Guest
It's a big step to write everything on here. I think you displaying a strong survival instinct and in sharing this I think you have taken a degree of control. It's you ability to break down what you feel needs to change that could be a start for really positive things for you.
Eternalx
 
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whatstheproblem?

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2009
Messages
251
Have you heard of the book 'i hate you, don't leave me'? It's a good read and might ring a few bells with you... Everything you described sounds familiar... Sorry I can't be of more help, but check it out x
 
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notok

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2009
Messages
12
Location
London
I know I have had the potential to relate to someone, so I wonder: why was I born? What is this cruel irony which puts a creature on Earth which is not able to integrate and even physically adapt to its environment?
This should have read: "I know I have never had the potential..."
 
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notok

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2009
Messages
12
Location
London
Have you heard of the book 'i hate you, don't leave me'? It's a good read and might ring a few bells with you... Everything you described sounds familiar... Sorry I can't be of more help, but check it out x
It's quite helpful/interesting actually. I wish I had known sooner to have a chance to investigate, for example when I was a teenager and there were still people around to care. I do not know if I suffer from any disorder. seems to me that I'm just bad at life. I can't handle what most people can. I don't have the inner strength and the instincts necessary.
But it doesnt matter anymore, since there is no way I can get help (I can't afford it, I can't have the time off, I am far too well trained in the art of appearing normal on a short term basis - and not letting anything out, even when confronted - I just flee (apart from anonymously on a forum, of course - and I know that when I encounter the next big stress, there will only be one solution).
 
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jamesdean

Guest
There isnt only one soluation you need to print off whot you wrote n take it to a doctor n get help be it therapy or meds my life pre ad's was f****g awful now they take off the edge that rawness of life.
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
Hi notok, :welcome: to the forum. I'm really glad you've found somewhere to use as an outlet for how you're feeling. I know myself how much I have needed that, and found it here.

I agree with JD, print off your post and take it to your GP. I'm sure he/she will be able to help you.

Keep posting and we'll keep listening. :)
 
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notok

Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2009
Messages
12
Location
London
Hi notok, :welcome: to the forum. I'm really glad you've found somewhere to use as an outlet for how you're feeling. I know myself how much I have needed that, and found it here.

I agree with JD, print off your post and take it to your GP. I'm sure he/she will be able to help you.

Keep posting and we'll keep listening. :)
Thanks for your comments.
You're right trombone, if there's one thing positive it's the fact that this forum exists, where one can be more truthful than in 'real' life.
I do not want to see a GP. The last thing I want is chemicals to make things better. The other day (quite a while ago) I went because I wanted to get something against excessive sweating (always suffered from it), and she tried to give me antidepressants under the pretence they could help with sweating; excessive sweating is listed under the side effects...
Therapy sounds like an answer, but I am neither ready to admit that I feel, hum I can't even write it, like I could give up on life all together? (which would lead me to some kind of NHS therapy) nor can I financially afford to get therapy from my own initiative.
I have some knowledge of psychiatric treatments and it simply does not work. Meds placate you, but they don't cure you. My mother has been on them all her life, and she's never been ok. She's never ever had a psychiatrist who was truly willing to listen. And she can't afford to go to a psychotherapist, since she has to pay even though in her country she is recognised as handicapped from her mental condition.
We do not live in a system which allows for personal growth and mental wellbeing on the state. It is considered frivolous. You can get help if you fit some criteria of obvious near-death, in situations where it would actually be impossible for the people to justify not helping you. I don't fit that profile. There's no solution. I could win the lottery. Or live like a zombie on drugs. But in reality, you know what's left.
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
Hi, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It's unfortunate that a doc tried to give you ADs for excessive sweating, does sound like a crazy plan, cos I know myself that they can make that problem worse! I still think you need to see your GP with your original post (perhaps a different doc in the same practice if you have lost confidence in the other one), say that you would like to try therapy rather than drugs. The doc can then refer you to the local mental health team for assessment. Again, you can write everything down and show it to them.

Incidentally, I know all about scaring off friends by being too intense, I've been there too many times. I find someone who seems to understand me and I just don't want to let go...to the point of obsession. :redface: It's too much to bear sometimes isn't it?
 
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