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Not ok

alohomora

alohomora

Active member
Joined
Mar 22, 2018
Messages
38
Location
Lexington, Kentucky
Hello everyone,

It's been awhile since I posted last. I think it was june of last year, I came on this forum to talk about my father who had lung cancer and his brother who wasn't visiting him, maybe some of you remember me. Long story short, my dad passed away in April this year and my uncle and I have never been closer. I'm happy about it as he and his family have always meant a lot to me.
If I write here today it's because, as the title suggests, I'm definitely not ok. After my dad died in April, I got the news that I had to take a new position in my job 250 miles from where I lived, so early in August I moved out of my childhood home to live alone, which I had never done before. My family still lives all together back where I grew up. I guess I just feel lonely here, the city's nice and I like my job and some of my colleagues, yet all I want to do is stay home and see them as little as possible.
A few weeks back my uncle came to visit, he stayed over the week-end and I bought him a bottle of anis-flavored liqueur as I know he likes it : I finished the bottle on my own the following week. Yesterday I got so drunk I vomited twice (alone, it's even less pretty, believe me) and swore I'd never drink again, yet all I want to do since I woke up this morning is go buy some more alcohol.
The night before that, I had taken a few drinks and started to harm myself. I cleaned and protected the wound and it's ok but I don't feel safe, I know I'm going to do it again soon.
I am sad and quite depressed, I think about my dad every day, I am still processing his death and trying to go through grieving but it was easier back home. Now I just feel this giant hole inside of me and nothing can seem to fulfill it.
I know I should be talking about it with my family or someone I trust but I'm not ready. They worry about me and hope I'm doing ok but they're not even close to imagine how depressed I actually am. It would kill them to know what I've been doing since I left. The self harming, the drinking, the breakdowns every night, the crying... I still manage to pretend, when they call me via FaceTime I make sure everything's clear in my apartment, so they don't get to see a bottle or a glass, I hide the bandaids and the disinfectant; I wipe up the tears and pretend I'm just really tired because it's been such a long week...

I'm not sure I can do this much longer. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts though. Just the alcohol and the self harming parts that are making me feel bad about myself. I guess I'm just looking for moral support here.

Thank you for reading me.
 
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I

indigo6

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 30, 2019
Messages
1,338
Location
UK
Ah Mora you are so low how could you not be. You are grieving your Dad that alone is going to make you so sad. Leaving the family that support you make you feel secure too :hug:

If you are worried about telling your family its ok, think about that another time but you dont need to be scared of telling your doc. Thats the first thing to do. Tell them about your loss and drinking.Do not be ashamed, do not holdback. Its to be expected. They will understand.You can usually choose another doc from your practice if you wish but please start the ball rolling. Dont be alone.

Drinking is a maladaptive coping measure (their phrase) its common, usual. This and sh are how you are relieving the pain arent they, thats what we do. But it doesnt help in long run. If you can see right now its not the way then you can step back quickly and doc can help you with this.

Im actually a bit teary for you. I know the pain of loss. Im gonna be on and off this today, sure like to see u around x
 
alohomora

alohomora

Active member
Joined
Mar 22, 2018
Messages
38
Location
Lexington, Kentucky
Thank you Indigo for your concern and this sweet reply. I guess I could be talking to a doctor, but I don't have one here as I'm new and haven't been out exploring much. Also, it's a pretty small town so I will very likely come across my doctor more often than I'd like to, as well as my neighbors and possibly colleagues : how do I keep hiding my embarrassment of what I'm becoming...?
And another thing is that going to a doctor will mean admitting that something's wrong with me and therefore walking towards a solution, which I'm not sure I want at this point. Not that I don't want to feel better but I guess I'm just scared of what I must face the second people start knowing. I don't want to be taken care of. There's something comforting in alcohol and self harm. I do not want to face my grief nor do I want to talk about alcohol or everything that's in my head, it all just is too dark and scary.
 
I

indigo6

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 30, 2019
Messages
1,338
Location
UK
Your GP is bound. Cannot speak and usually not the type that take part in gossip.
You arent becoming anything awful. You are in pain.
Maybe you will stop this yourself before it goes further.
Stay here though, see how you go on. I hope you feel able to find help soon.
 
alohomora

alohomora

Active member
Joined
Mar 22, 2018
Messages
38
Location
Lexington, Kentucky
Hello,
I come back here today to give some news and also to express myself, which I never do in real life. It's all just to much to tell, it's easier to write it down to strangers. Feel free to stop reading.

A short time after I posted this last September, I ended up at the hospital one night. I had taken painkillers and alcohol. A lot. I called 911 myself. I then was admitted to the hospital where they proceeded to detoxify me. I then called my mom to tell her what had happened. She told my uncle. His wife came all the way from their hometown 300 miles from where I was to get me home with them. I got a two-week long sick leave and then were the holidays, so I stayed home for 4 weeks before returning to my own place. That was early in November. I managed to do ok for about 5 weeks. There was still some binge drinking here and there and a little bit of self harming but I came to accept that is my life now. By ok, I mean I didn't do anything more stupid than that, I stopped myself before hurting too much, I was still doing good at my job, etc. Then in mid December, I started to drink a lot more. And one day, for the first time, I went to work with a drink or two. I was mostly tired, numb and had a headache, nothing that made people worried. They asked if I was ok, I said "yeah just exhausted", they laughed and said "so am I, I get you!", as it was shortly before Christmas break and we were all very, very tired. But then, in the middle of the day at work, as I was on a break before a meeting, I needed to drink. I went out and bought a beer at the local bar. I then went home, and came across a colleague of mine who asked if I was ok, because he, I quote, "was worried and never saw me like this". He seemed genuinely concerned. I told him I was definitely not ok but was going to be better, that he was nice to ask and I needed to go home. He said to never hesitate, if I never needed anything. Wow, I thought, that's a lot to offer. "Anything"? Or maybe it's just a saying. But it does sound serious when he says it. I think he's the type of person who really is ready to help you no matter what if you come to him.
Anyway, I went home, got some rest, and went back to be on time at my meeting, which went well. I had covered my breath with mint gum and I guess, again, I just looked extremely off, nothing weird to the people around me.

Then came Christmas, I went home and had the most amazing time with my family. Still, as it was the holiday and party was definitely in the air, I think I drank pretty much every day for two weeks. I guess my mother was a bit concerned but she never directly said anything. A tiny look of disapproval as I would open my second beer, is all.

Then we're January 4th and I'm going home. I feel quite good. Until I don't. I have been hangover a couple times this week alone. The worst was last Thursday night. I was supposed to go to a party with my colleagues but didn't sign up on time to be there so instead I got home, and I was frustrated because I really wanted to be with them and not be alone for once. So what do I do when I'm frustrated? I drink. I went to buy more beer and a bottle of wine and drank 4 bottles of beer and half the wine by myself. I won't get into the details of how I ended up around 11 pm but it was NOT pretty. I went to work the next day feeling like crap. But being around my students and doing the best I can for them gives me some kind of adrenaline and that gets me through the day for now. I know I won't be able to stay like this much longer.

I don't have anything to ask, I know I have a problem. I am depressed and a drinker too. I need to seek help, call the psychiatrist I met at the hospital, talk with my friends and my family. I need to surround myself with the people who can actually help me. I need to face the issues in my life, my grief, my anger, my sadness, the anxiety, the self depreciation. I don't feel ready though. I don't think I can really do it all.

Thanks for reading me.
 
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