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Not having kids, stigma?

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dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
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Take it easy and look after yourself first :)
Good advice, thanks for your perspective.

You're right it should in no way be about other people's expectations. We are free to live the lives we want... within reason.

At the same time I think about the future and worry that I'll feel terribly lonely if I don't pursue the normal path of marriage with kids.
 
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dewey

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like what? concentration camps?
I was thinking more along the lines of building our civilisation so we become more compassionate and tolerant. Also creating through art and science etc
 
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harsh-reality

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when I was younger I felt being married with children was my destiny

mental illness - lack of work and being an uncle eight times over - made me realise by the age of 30 that I would not be cut out to be a parent and I was always concerned over the fact of my conditions being passed down to my children.

So they never arrived.

I find it funny you saying dewey most men want children - tbh I would have put greater emphasis that more women than men yearn for their own young ones...

I think quite a lot of people - more than in previous times are more inclined to just want the relationship but not the responsibilities of being a parent.

If I had not had my health condition - I got no doubt I would have been a parent I feel


I guess also being an uncle for long time and seeing the pressures it can put on people's lives as a parent I actually feel fortunate I not in that scenario

But contrary to your experience the downside for me is that most women I have known do not want a relationship even if you nice guy with someone who has not been in the situations of bringing up and providing for their own children...
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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I was thinking more along the lines of building our civilisation so we become more compassionate and tolerant. Also creating through art and science etc
i see the complete opposite of compassion on a daily basis, if humans never existed the planet as a whole would be a lot better, you can't deny that, we've destroyed the planet and the idea of humanity in a number of ways
 
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dewey

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i see the complete opposite of compassion on a daily basis, if humans never existed the planet as a whole would be a lot better, you can't deny that, we've destroyed the planet and the idea of humanity in a number of ways
Yes, there are many terrible things that happen, that are happening right now. Very many.
But actually there are also good things happening. The intensity of how horrific bad things are can outweigh the seeming neutrality of good things.
But also there are lots of activists, people out there fighting for human rights, working compassionately with vulnerable children, doing charity work, working to save the environment, working as therapists, creating art, doing things which can be considered beautiful. It's not like every one out there is doing horrific things.
Just as there was terrible racism in the world, nowadays most people see how horrific that was. Yes there is still racism but the situation has drastically improved. Same goes for rights of women or gays. So in that way humanity is slowly becoming more civilised very slowly, far more slowly than they should I agree. It takes human beings far longer than it should to figure out basic things like compassion and respect for all, which is ridiculous. But at our base we are animals and we are moving away from our animal state into our more civilised state, slowly over the centuries.
 
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dewey

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when I was younger I felt being married with children was my destiny

mental illness - lack of work and being an uncle eight times over - made me realise by the age of 30 that I would not be cut out to be a parent and I was always concerned over the fact of my conditions being passed down to my children.

So they never arrived.

I find it funny you saying dewey most men want children - tbh I would have put greater emphasis that more women than men yearn for their own young ones...

I think quite a lot of people - more than in previous times are more inclined to just want the relationship but not the responsibilities of being a parent.

If I had not had my health condition - I got no doubt I would have been a parent I feel


I guess also being an uncle for long time and seeing the pressures it can put on people's lives as a parent I actually feel fortunate I not in that scenario

But contrary to your experience the downside for me is that most women I have known do not want a relationship even if you nice guy with someone who has not been in the situations of bringing up and providing for their own children...
I guess if you're an uncle to so many kids, you get the best of both worlds.
I've heard a lot of guys saying that they want kids as some kind of continuation of themselves, so they know they won't die out in a sense, in a way just basic animal reproduction is the most important part of life for them. That's what I've heard them say.
I suppose having kids is a major compatibility issue for relationships. The general expectation that the person will want kids goes both ways I guess. If you don't want them you're more going against the grain
 
megirl

megirl

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We never wanted kids. I wonder if I had a different partner, would that have changed? Who knows
I'm quite happy I dont have any,I dont think I could have coped with children.
Part of not wanted is built in from my childhood, not wanting to end up like my Mother.
I have to say if I knew I was anything like her I would kill myself.
I do like kids but certainly dont want the responsibility of a fulltime parent
I'm 43 now so yeh not much of a chance of that
 
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harsh-reality

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I guess if you're an uncle to so many kids, you get the best of both worlds.
I've heard a lot of guys saying that they want kids as some kind of continuation of themselves, so they know they won't die out in a sense, in a way just basic animal reproduction is the most important part of life for them. That's what I've heard them say.
I suppose having kids is a major compatibility issue for relationships. The general expectation that the person will want kids goes both ways I guess. If you don't want them you're more going against the grain
Unfortunately that joy of being an uncle was taken from me over eight years ago - hardly being able to get out of the flat without panic attack and just wishing my sisters would ring just simply to enquire as to how I was and they only live nearby - I ended up in hospital - and when I came out having not seen them for years I was too frightened to see them but when I did their husbands were no longer happy that I was not doing paid work and threatened me after I sent emails saying why had the contact stopped - I kept emailing as I was distressed just asking why you not ring - I been ill - I got blanked - its a horrendous scenario now where they all walk past me like I am a piece of dirt - its destroyed me tbh despite my efforts at making friends etc - I had twelve bereavements in effect at that time - and I live alone also - it was amazingly distressing - few years passed since now - but it was frightening

Its not my nieces and nephews issue and even our parents who are amazingly supportive to me - they not liked at all what my sisters have done to me.

I try not to mention it to them but I think about this vitriol from them everyday. It haunts my life - not quite dominating as it once was but it was worse than my times in hospital for its negative impact on myself..


Sorry this is your thread on having kids or not as a stigma though.

Yes I think its a natural desire in reality to wish to have children but some people make the decisions for lifestyle choice reasons or economic impacts or abilities to be a parent or not as the case may be....

My reasons were for all of the above - low earner - mental health condtion - and prefer to be able to at least do some things which if child was on tow then my total focus would have to be for them above my own concerns which I would have found very challenging myself...
 
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dewey

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Unfortunately that joy of being an uncle was taken from me over eight years ago - hardly being able to get out of the flat without panic attack and just wishing my sisters would ring just simply to enquire as to how I was and they only live nearby - I ended up in hospital - and when I came out having not seen them for years I was too frightened to see them but when I did their husbands were no longer happy that I was not doing paid work and threatened me after I sent emails saying why had the contact stopped - I kept emailing as I was distressed just asking why you not ring - I been ill - I got blanked - its a horrendous scenario now where they all walk past me like I am a piece of dirt - its destroyed me tbh despite my efforts at making friends etc - I had twelve bereavements in effect at that time - and I live alone also - it was amazingly distressing - few years passed since now - but it was frightening

Its not my nieces and nephews issue and even our parents who are amazingly supportive to me - they not liked at all what my sisters have done to me.

I try not to mention it to them but I think about this vitriol from them everyday. It haunts my life - not quite dominating as it once was but it was worse than my times in hospital for its negative impact on myself..


Sorry this is your thread on having kids or not as a stigma though.

Yes I think its a natural desire in reality to wish to have children but some people make the decisions for lifestyle choice reasons or economic impacts or abilities to be a parent or not as the case may be....

My reasons were for all of the above - low earner - mental health condtion - and prefer to be able to at least do some things which if child was on tow then my total focus would have to be for them above my own concerns which I would have found very challenging myself...
Woah sounds like your sisters are looking down at you from an 'ivory tower', or don't understand the struggles of mental health and human existence so they don't have any empathy with your situation. Not very compassionate at all. I don't see how they could cut contact like that. Weird. Maybe they just want to simplify their lives and thought it would be too complicated and they can't handle the pressure themselves. It's sad to hear. Glad your parents are more supportive.

Yup I agree if you wanna explore your own things and focus on yourself you're probably in a better position to do so. I'm glad you get to follow your own path like this.
 
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dewey

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We never wanted kids. I wonder if I had a different partner, would that have changed? Who knows
I'm quite happy I dont have any,I dont think I could have coped with children.
Part of not wanted is built in from my childhood, not wanting to end up like my Mother.
I have to say if I knew I was anything like her I would kill myself.
I do like kids but certainly dont want the responsibility of a fulltime parent
I'm 43 now so yeh not much of a chance of that
Nice good to hear a perspective from someone with more experience. Would you describe yourself as fulfilled in your life and marriage despite not having kids?
 
Cpt_Stunning

Cpt_Stunning

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Jan 23, 2019
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I never got married, had children because of my mental problems, & I'm 44, the only person in my extended family who hasn't, I'm a man though, & it isn't something that has been an issue for my family/friends.
 
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harsh-reality

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Messages
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England
Woah sounds like your sisters are looking down at you from an 'ivory tower', or don't understand the struggles of mental health and human existence so they don't have any empathy with your situation. Not very compassionate at all. I don't see how they could cut contact like that. Weird. Maybe they just want to simplify their lives and thought it would be too complicated and they can't handle the pressure themselves. It's sad to hear. Glad your parents are more supportive.

Yup I agree if you wanna explore your own things and focus on yourself you're probably in a better position to do so. I'm glad you get to follow your own path like this.
Yes thank you - its been awful - my parents and all my friends and associates think what they have done is absolutely awful - yet they stilll manage to always make me feel like I am the one who has been massively in the wrong

Its the biggest disappointment of my life bar none - I will never ever properly recover from it

They are not my family anymore - quite obviously

They think because I live in a flat and they live in massive houses with big gardens I deserve everything I get and I dont know how my sisters do it but they always make me feel like I am the worst person on the planet - its not something my mind can comprehend.

I get frightened by the scenario

I did nothing wrong yet it feels like I have which is still distressing even today !!!!
 
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dewey

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I never got married, had children because of my mental problems, & I'm 44, the only person in my extended family who hasn't, I'm a man though, & it isn't something that has been an issue for my family/friends.
Do you think that's because you were too busy resolving your MH problems that you didn't marry with kids? Or you actively chose that? Or a combination of both?
 
megirl

megirl

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I was married for 10 years and been with him for 22 years, we have been separated for a year now.
Yes I felt fulfilled without children. In never felt like I'd missed out of anything.
 
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