Not finding support. All alone.

N

Nancourt

Active member
Joined
May 26, 2018
Messages
26
#1
I am still feeling really depressed. And it's a paralysing depression. I dont have the energy to study or work on my assignments anymore. I feel alone I. The world now. I made an appointment with the free therapist but that's only going to be once a month. My family are not a good source of support. And my friends are busy studying so they can't help either. Everyday after school I dread going home. It's a horrible feeling when I come home to an empty cold house and then I go to my dark room and crawl I to my lonely bed and cry all day till I fall asleep and go to school the next day. The monotony is making me sick. I resent going to school now. My friend was right I should have never been in a relationship while studying. Because when it ends the heartbreak is not worth it. I wish I never met her. Shes all fine and happy and going out with her friends and having a great time. And I'm here miserable, suffering, and alone. If only I never met her I wouldn't know what I am missing out on.
Anyway I can't cope anymore. I think about suicide all the time now. I've started saying it out aloud without noticing "I want to die" . I really can't cope anymore. I need someone to lean on right now and there is nobody. My sister just says to get over it. My mother said the same thing and she doesn't know what else to say. My father is a savage and I will never trust him again with any personal struggle.

I am just so alone. I don't want to keep living the days are becoming more bleak. Everything I do makes me feel more depressed. Sleep is my only salvation. Even though I'm currently suffering from a lack of it because I keep waking up in the middle of the night. I keep dreaming of her and when I wake up it hurts so much to realise it was just a dream. I am so pathetic to be depending so much on this person.
I don't like being alone. I wish I could go out with a bunch of friends. I wish we could have BBQs on the beach and just hang out during the day. But I can't because I don't have that many friends to begin with. I am all alone. No one is in my life. No one cares what happens to me. I am invisible. The only time I talk to people is when they want something from me and it's getting tiring now. I feel so depressed and so useless.

My dream in life was to have a fun life with a beautiful loving girl by side and a great group of friends. I don't need to be rich or have a lavish life. I just wanted those two things. My life is so dim now. I don't think I'm strong enough to end my life on my own. I tried with to to kill myself the other day but I stopped because of the pain and possible scar should I survive. Then everyone will know what I tried to do.
 
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Victorianna

Victorianna

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
568
Location
California, USA
#2
I’m very sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. It’s good you have the counseling appointment coming up.
Have you seen your doctor? If you are feeling like you are close to suicide, you need to see someone who can help you right away. You may have depression, in which case there are treatments for that.
I know it seems like this relationship was your one shot at happiness, and that you are never going meet someone again. It’s not true, any more than you are worthless. You’re obviously not, you seem smart and kind, and very sensitive. You need to not believe your own negative self-talk.
It’s hard, but try to concentrate on your studies. It’s a key to a good future for yourself. I can see a future for you where you finish school, get a job, move out on your own. All this is possible.
Things can and will get better.
 
M

missme

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 28, 2019
Messages
267
Location
NZ
#3
Oh I'm so so sorry that you are going through this. I too was at that point, it's really important to selek professional help, if you are suicidal. please stay here, please stay alive, if I had of done so, id hate to think what I would have put my children and my husband through.

I got through it, you've done the right thing by speaking out and I know you will always find someone here that understands how you feel. Please keep talking to us all, you have us at least.....it doesn't seem like it now, and I never used to believe it when people would tell me, but it did get better for me and I really hope it will for you too
 

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