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Retaw

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I’m living a hard life. I struggle with my thoughts and feelings 24/7. It’s like I’ve switched life to the hardest mode there is. Originally 4 years I started to have panic attacks which caused me to avoid social situations and this has continued till a point I don’t leave my house. I visited multiple therapists and I’m currently on week 3 of taking anti depressants. I struggle with pure o related issues (I think, I have no diagnose and I’ve read they don’t diagnose pure o). The most horrible thing are my violent intrusions which don’t let me take breath anytime. It makes me worry if it are intrusions in general. My biggest worry is insanity. I avoided 1000’s of things because of this. It probably doesn’t make sense, but stuff like the color red, social situations, tv or basically anything are things I do. I feel uncomfortable with any change. I live a very unhealthy lifestyle spending all my day time on my phone. I can’t talk properly to anyone anymore. I don’t feel any connection to anything. I feel like I’m the most horrible person on planet earth. I also been diagnosed with add. Took meds, but didn’t work. Everything feels pointless. Everything feels stupid. I hate myself deeply. Everything feels way too intense, but I also feel very hardy because of these thoughts. I can’t watch to people anymore without a normal look. I basically feel completely done. I’m 21 years old and I feel like my end is near. It feels like there is no way out and it’s too much to battle. That I’m so far off everything. I don’t want to die but I also do. I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense and I’m also not making sense. I can’t move into any direction. I wish I could cry right now, but emotionally I’m feeling completely stuck. No one seems to understand me. I feel like a psychopath, but anyone else doesn’t. What am I supposed to do? And why should be on this planet. If I’m spending my last days living like this nothing wouldn’t have been worth it. I’ve been through so much shit. 21 long years. I need help, but I can’t get help due of of my problems.
 
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Daringdan

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I struggle with pure o as well. Living in a world with so many triggers is so hard. Every day is a battle to find meaning and peace. I hope that you can find your own slice of peace and that you can draw meaning from the chaos.
 
R

Retaw

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I struggle with pure o as well. Living in a world with so many triggers is so hard. Every day is a battle to find meaning and peace. I hope that you can find your own slice of peace and that you can draw meaning from the chaos.
Thank you for your response.

Do you think the things I have written are pure o related? I’m still waiting for a diagnose that makes some what sense. I’ve did some research and read that they don’t diagnose pure o because it isn’t in the dsm? Is that true?
 
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Daringdan

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I think pure o deserves it's place among the rest of the serious diagnoses. Yeah, I don't know that it has yet.
 
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Retaw

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I think pure o deserves it's place among the rest of the serious diagnoses. Yeah, I don't know that it has yet.
I agree. This is my source btw;


So I reckon you don’t have a official diagnose as well? I’ve heard diagnoses aren’t really important in the way you got help, but if you personally feel no one gets you and psychologists are looking in corners like autism and add I’m thinking it might relieve a lot for me if I know where I’m actually deal with. Of course, depression at this point is a big factor for me as well.
 
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Zabuza

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Hey, why did you have your first panic attack 4 years ago? Because first depression?
 
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Retaw

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Hey, why did you have your first panic attack 4 years ago? Because first depression?
Uhm, no I don’t think so. It felt like everything was getting too much. When I was a kid I never had a safe home due of violence. When I was 16 I started smoking weed which wasn’t doing me any good. I had bad social anxiety back then as well, but I could function and I had some good friends. One time I did magic mushrooms right before the panic attacks. That trip was a horrible experience as well. But yeah, I never felt really happiness in my life. I could have a laugh when I was younger however. It’s just that I was extremely insecure and I still am (although it’s different right now). I also had some other fears like the fear of being alone in the dark. In that direction. I believe that’s connected to what I deal with right now as well
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

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I’m living a hard life. I struggle with my thoughts and feelings 24/7. It’s like I’ve switched life to the hardest mode there is. Originally 4 years I started to have panic attacks which caused me to avoid social situations and this has continued till a point I don’t leave my house. I visited multiple therapists and I’m currently on week 3 of taking anti depressants. I struggle with pure o related issues (I think, I have no diagnose and I’ve read they don’t diagnose pure o). The most horrible thing are my violent intrusions which don’t let me take breath anytime. It makes me worry if it are intrusions in general. My biggest worry is insanity. I avoided 1000’s of things because of this. It probably doesn’t make sense, but stuff like the color red, social situations, tv or basically anything are things I do. I feel uncomfortable with any change. I live a very unhealthy lifestyle spending all my day time on my phone. I can’t talk properly to anyone anymore. I don’t feel any connection to anything. I feel like I’m the most horrible person on planet earth. I also been diagnosed with add. Took meds, but didn’t work. Everything feels pointless. Everything feels stupid. I hate myself deeply. Everything feels way too intense, but I also feel very hardy because of these thoughts. I can’t watch to people anymore without a normal look. I basically feel completely done. I’m 21 years old and I feel like my end is near. It feels like there is no way out and it’s too much to battle. That I’m so far off everything. I don’t want to die but I also do. I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense and I’m also not making sense. I can’t move into any direction. I wish I could cry right now, but emotionally I’m feeling completely stuck. No one seems to understand me. I feel like a psychopath, but anyone else doesn’t. What am I supposed to do? And why should be on this planet. If I’m spending my last days living like this nothing wouldn’t have been worth it. I’ve been through so much shit. 21 long years. I need help, but I can’t get help due of of my problems.
I was a a couple of years younger than you when I started on meds. Give them time to take effect first of all. And know your not alone. Life will get better 👍
 
R

Retaw

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I was a a couple of years younger than you when I started on meds. Give them time to take effect first of all. And know your not alone. Life will get better 👍
I don’t believe it anymore. The meds don’t work or actually I think it made it slightly worse. I’m more gloomy. I don’t believe in my life
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

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I don’t believe it anymore. The meds don’t work or actually I think it made it slightly worse. I’m more gloomy. I don’t believe in my life
Hey my friend I'm 40 in a few days. I have over 25 years of meds and docs and talking and all the bollocks etc. It does help
 
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Retaw

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Hey my friend I'm 40 in a few days. I have over 25 years of meds and docs and talking and all the bollocks etc. It does help
That’s long. I’m not sure if I can get through it for that long. I can’t literally do anything. Everywhere I see problems. I can’t even eat proper dinner anymore and that’s not depression related I think. It’s just that I feel uncomfortable with literally anything. When I wake up I try to make it through the day. I just don’t want it anymore. I can’t have normal contact anymore with even my family where I live. Today I went outside for a meeting with some kind of therapist which took lots of effort, but back home I’m even more depressed. I’m afraid I start to get delusional and paranoid. I feel weird, have weird thoughts and have weird feelings. It feels like there is no way out. I have been in social isolation for 4 years. It feels like it has been too long.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

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That’s long. I’m not sure if I can get through it for that long. I can’t literally do anything. Everywhere I see problems. I can’t even eat proper dinner anymore and that’s not depression related I think. It’s just that I feel uncomfortable with literally anything. When I wake up I try to make it through the day. I just don’t want it anymore. I can’t have normal contact anymore with even my family where I live. Today I went outside for a meeting with some kind of therapist which took lots of effort, but back home I’m even more depressed. I’m afraid I start to get delusional and paranoid. I feel weird, have weird thoughts and have weird feelings. It feels like there is no way out. I have been in social isolation for 4 years. It feels like it has been too long.
There is nothing weird about you or your thoughts. We all have our issues. Thats why we are all on this forum. I'm going on 40 now and ive been dealing with what you call weird thoughts since I was 10. You are going to fine. We just need to learn how to deal with our various illnesses and then adapt to them.
 
R

Retaw

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There is nothing weird about you or your thoughts. We all have our issues. Thats why we are all on this forum. I'm going on 40 now and ive been dealing with what you call weird thoughts since I was 10. You are going to fine. We just need to learn how to deal with our various illnesses and then adapt to them.
but have you also been in a situation where it was so bad that you couldn’t leave your house and feel comfortable around people? Because I feel like I’m the only one. I just feel mentally completely fucked. Sorry for my language. I can’t imagine how people couldn’t come to the point where I’m in. I’m basically in a isolated prison. I’m afraid it has mentally messed me up forever. I’m 21 and I feel like a danger to myself, but also towards others. And I don’t want to and that’s the biggest reason I can’t do anything. Besides thinking about suicide, but I try not to.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

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but have you also been in a situation where it was so bad that you couldn’t leave your house and feel comfortable around people? Because I feel like I’m the only one. I just feel mentally completely fucked. Sorry for my language. I can’t imagine how people couldn’t come to the point where I’m in. I’m basically in a isolated prison. I’m afraid it has mentally messed me up forever. I’m 21 and I feel like a danger to myself, but also towards others. And I don’t want to and that’s the biggest reason I can’t do anything. Besides thinking about death, but I try not to.
Yup ive been there. Ive run the gamit from paranoia and hiding in my house, to so hyperactive ive been jailed. When I was your age I thought there was no way forward for someone like me. And yet here I am 20 years later. No shit it will be hard for you, but you you need to keep sluggin it out. Find the thing that makes you happy. Everyone has that one thing. Concentrate on that and you will find you build from there 👍
 
R

Retaw

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I don’t know if I’m paranoid. I’m not sure of anything. I’m not finding anything. Everything I used to like are very enjoyable. I ‘like’ laying in bed. That’s the place I feel the least worst.

Sorry, you struggle as well I reckon, so I hope it ain’t too much.
 
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