- May 10, 2019
I’m living a hard life. I struggle with my thoughts and feelings 24/7. It’s like I’ve switched life to the hardest mode there is. Originally 4 years I started to have panic attacks which caused me to avoid social situations and this has continued till a point I don’t leave my house. I visited multiple therapists and I’m currently on week 3 of taking anti depressants. I struggle with pure o related issues (I think, I have no diagnose and I’ve read they don’t diagnose pure o). The most horrible thing are my violent intrusions which don’t let me take breath anytime. It makes me worry if it are intrusions in general. My biggest worry is insanity. I avoided 1000’s of things because of this. It probably doesn’t make sense, but stuff like the color red, social situations, tv or basically anything are things I do. I feel uncomfortable with any change. I live a very unhealthy lifestyle spending all my day time on my phone. I can’t talk properly to anyone anymore. I don’t feel any connection to anything. I feel like I’m the most horrible person on planet earth. I also been diagnosed with add. Took meds, but didn’t work. Everything feels pointless. Everything feels stupid. I hate myself deeply. Everything feels way too intense, but I also feel very hardy because of these thoughts. I can’t watch to people anymore without a normal look. I basically feel completely done. I’m 21 years old and I feel like my end is near. It feels like there is no way out and it’s too much to battle. That I’m so far off everything. I don’t want to die but I also do. I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense and I’m also not making sense. I can’t move into any direction. I wish I could cry right now, but emotionally I’m feeling completely stuck. No one seems to understand me. I feel like a psychopath, but anyone else doesn’t. What am I supposed to do? And why should be on this planet. If I’m spending my last days living like this nothing wouldn’t have been worth it. I’ve been through so much shit. 21 long years. I need help, but I can’t get help due of of my problems.