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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Not feeling all that great

T

TurnipScum

New member
Joined
Mar 21, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Texas
Been chillin with depression my whole life but I’m in my early twenties so that’s not saying much. When I’m not at work hating everyone I’m laying in bed watching YouTube and hating everyone as well as myself. I’m still living with my mom because I don’t make enough to rent an apartment on my own. A lot of the places within a hour drive require 3x the rent and I’m dreading getting a roommate because I wish nothing more than to be alone so I can suffer alone. I don’t need another person there to tolerate me but it doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice. I’ll just have to keep holding in my breakdowns until I’m rich enough to actually be alone and not be forced to interact with people. I thought I was getting better but I don’t think I am. Living is exhausting and I’m not at all motivated to keep any of this up. Death would be a gift but I’m too lazy and poor to go out painlessly so I’ll just keep stumbling along. Pathetic I know but it’s how I feel and nobody around me seems to feel the same so here is good enough. I don’t have friends but I do have family. I don’t really like interacting with them because I’m such a downer. I could get therapy but I can’t bring myself to seeking it out. I don’t really want it. I just wanna die. I don’t know where to go from here. Its understandably hard to make friends but I somehow find myself clinging to people who show me the slightest bit of kindness and I wish I didn’t because it hurts when I inevitably run them off and crave the affection I had and held so dearly. I know I won’t get it for awhile. I wish I didn’t feel it at all. I want to cry but I don’t need my family hearing that and knowing that I’m getting bad again because it doesn’t seem to end. I wish I was out of their hair. I hate my brain so much. I hate that I have to live with it for so long with no sign of stopping. I can’t even get a hug. Nobody wants me.
 
Jolly

Jolly

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2020
Messages
975
Location
United Kingdom
Welcome 🙏. I hope you find the forum useful. There lovely people on here who can help and chat to you. Take a look around.
 
C

Cl0uds

Active member
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
31
Location
Scotland
Sounds a lot like me, tbh. I finally got my own place after feeling like the only 22 year old who still lived at home.
Once you're independent, you feel accomplished even by the little things of running a household, doing all the chores and redecorating or whatever it is. You get that break from people and do things at your own pace to heal. After some time, you find yourself wanting to socialise because that's just how humans are, and you appreciate the people you have (not saying that you don't now, but you do when you've experienced total loneliness.). So I recommend holding on to the hope that some day you'll have your own place, even if it's just a hole in the wall, it'll be your hole in a wall lol. Keep saving and also enjoy the home you have now as taking total responsibility over a home can be a little heavy to take on at first. I wish you the best, you're not stuck in the same place for life. We all keep moving <3
 
IcyShadow

IcyShadow

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
58
Location
UK
Been chillin with depression my whole life but I’m in my early twenties so that’s not saying much. When I’m not at work hating everyone I’m laying in bed watching YouTube and hating everyone as well as myself. I’m still living with my mom because I don’t make enough to rent an apartment on my own. A lot of the places within a hour drive require 3x the rent and I’m dreading getting a roommate because I wish nothing more than to be alone so I can suffer alone. I don’t need another person there to tolerate me but it doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice. I’ll just have to keep holding in my breakdowns until I’m rich enough to actually be alone and not be forced to interact with people. I thought I was getting better but I don’t think I am. Living is exhausting and I’m not at all motivated to keep any of this up. Death would be a gift but I’m too lazy and poor to go out painlessly so I’ll just keep stumbling along. Pathetic I know but it’s how I feel and nobody around me seems to feel the same so here is good enough. I don’t have friends but I do have family. I don’t really like interacting with them because I’m such a downer. I could get therapy but I can’t bring myself to seeking it out. I don’t really want it. I just wanna die. I don’t know where to go from here. Its understandably hard to make friends but I somehow find myself clinging to people who show me the slightest bit of kindness and I wish I didn’t because it hurts when I inevitably run them off and crave the affection I had and held so dearly. I know I won’t get it for awhile. I wish I didn’t feel it at all. I want to cry but I don’t need my family hearing that and knowing that I’m getting bad again because it doesn’t seem to end. I wish I was out of their hair. I hate my brain so much. I hate that I have to live with it for so long with no sign of stopping. I can’t even get a hug. Nobody wants me.
I'm sorry for what you're going through, to know that you're similarly suffering.
It really hit home when you said "I don’t need another person there to tolerate me". That's how I feel, that others just tolerate me, try to be nice, as it's polite, trying to pull away from me, they have their own lives. They don't want part of mine, and I don't blame them. The bit you said about clinging on to people who show you the slightest bit of kindness - hell, I'm guilty as charged. And why do we do it, because like you say, it's difficult to deal with so we push them away, or maybe we become too much for them.
Your post so sad, yet so perfectly written.
I wish things were different for you, I truly do.
 
BadWolf10

BadWolf10

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 18, 2021
Messages
77
Location
UK
Sorry to hear it is a hard time. I joined because my depression too decided to creep back out of it's box.
It is good to share though
 
Capri19

Capri19

Active member
Joined
Mar 16, 2021
Messages
37
Location
NZ
Hi there. So sad to read your message. The parts I can relate to are when you hate everyone you work with and then feel similarly to people on YouTube. I recognise that in myself when I’m going through a bad patch and go around finding fault in everyone....drivers on the road are all useless and brainless...people’s comments at work are stupid and annoying...or they’re talking way too loud or too much...it’s a terrible way to feel. My Dr many years ago quietly told me that anger can be a common symptom of depression...at the time I was often angry with my younger children. So sad looking back. I went on to SSRI when they were young and it definitely helped me. Kept me calmer. I’m still taking it now, but have my angry, frustrated times...which probably means my meds aren’t quite right. Anyway, all I wanted to mention to you was to perhaps address one issue at a time....choose something that you think you could work on and improve...and then move on to the tougher ones. Do you take medication? It would be good to see your Dr and discuss this. Pushing people away when you’re depressed is so common but it’s normally not helpful either. Been there and done that. Please look after yourself. This is a good forum to talk to people who understand the issues we’re dealing with😊
 
T

treasurebox

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
495
Location
Philippines
Know that your situation is not permanent. There will be better days for you. Just live one day at a time.

Create happy moments because happiness is a choice and you were created to be happy. You have it in you to be happy.

Listening to motivational and uplifting songs on youtube helps me. Music is therapeutic. Listen to it daily or as often as needed.

Another thing that would fight depression is helping other people. Think of people who might need yout help. You may listen to them, volunteer in your community or online, coach or teach something online. Helping others make you feel needed, worthwhile and happy.
 
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