- Mar 21, 2021
Been chillin with depression my whole life but I’m in my early twenties so that’s not saying much. When I’m not at work hating everyone I’m laying in bed watching YouTube and hating everyone as well as myself. I’m still living with my mom because I don’t make enough to rent an apartment on my own. A lot of the places within a hour drive require 3x the rent and I’m dreading getting a roommate because I wish nothing more than to be alone so I can suffer alone. I don’t need another person there to tolerate me but it doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice. I’ll just have to keep holding in my breakdowns until I’m rich enough to actually be alone and not be forced to interact with people. I thought I was getting better but I don’t think I am. Living is exhausting and I’m not at all motivated to keep any of this up. Death would be a gift but I’m too lazy and poor to go out painlessly so I’ll just keep stumbling along. Pathetic I know but it’s how I feel and nobody around me seems to feel the same so here is good enough. I don’t have friends but I do have family. I don’t really like interacting with them because I’m such a downer. I could get therapy but I can’t bring myself to seeking it out. I don’t really want it. I just wanna die. I don’t know where to go from here. Its understandably hard to make friends but I somehow find myself clinging to people who show me the slightest bit of kindness and I wish I didn’t because it hurts when I inevitably run them off and crave the affection I had and held so dearly. I know I won’t get it for awhile. I wish I didn’t feel it at all. I want to cry but I don’t need my family hearing that and knowing that I’m getting bad again because it doesn’t seem to end. I wish I was out of their hair. I hate my brain so much. I hate that I have to live with it for so long with no sign of stopping. I can’t even get a hug. Nobody wants me.