• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Not ED but not okay

O

Owlie

New member
Joined
Nov 6, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Prague
I hope I'm not taking space from people with more serious ED, I still somewhat okay-ish when it comes to eating/weight, but I've been struggling and my relationship with food has been messing up my life lately.

So, few things about me:
1.) I lost quite a lot of weight few years back by overrestricting calories. Ever since then I've been yo yoing with some crash diets and often basing my worth on what I ate & how much I weight. I really do not have healthy relationship with food and care too much about my weight.
2.) I'm a fucking emotional binge eater. If things are though, I feel like I NEED to shove food in my mouth or I can't deal with anything. And since I still live with my family and they like junk food, it's very easy for me to "solve" my problems with ice-cream and stuff.
3.) I'm freshman in college. I love it there, but it's very busy and stressful lifestyle. And since I'm terrified of failing my studies I keep prioritizing my schoolwork over everything else. So often finishing assingment early means screwing up my health a little.

So, my issue is this: During summer I did really good - I was more healthy, happy, loosing some unnecessary weight and being quite productive. But when school started, I suddenly didn't have time for anything and started eating junk food and drinking, mostly out of convince (fast food is cheap and close to campus) and because I wanted to have lunch/a beer with my new friends. And thanks to this and sitting in front of PC in order to study I gained some pounds quite fast.
As a stupid response to the weight gain and the stress I started binging and purging more often, usually as soon as I'm at home alone even if I tell myself I won't do it this time.
I started obssesing over food and weight again. Feeling like failure everytime the number on scale was too high, like my friends won't like me anymore if I was fatter. And when loosing weight in a healthy manner wasn't fast enough, I got into crash dieting again.

Right now I'm in this stupid position, when I can't even focus on my studies. I'm either hating myself over eating too much or feeling like I'm starving (cause purging often messed with my sense of hunger). I keep bailing on my friends so they won't notice my weight & so I don't have to eat lunch/dinner with them and it's quite obvious they see through my excuses and lies why I can't spend time with them. And just...
I want to be okay. Fuck it, I can survive being fat idiot, I just want to be able to enjoy the good times without feeling so guilty over what I had for breakfast. I love my friends, I have it what it takes to do well in my studies, but right now I keep negling both of those super important thing to me because food has more control over me. And I don't know how to break from this cycle of restricting and binging, how to be okay with how I look, how to just eat lunch because I'm hungry and not overthink it all so much.

Sorry for the long post, I kind of kept this bottled up for way too long. I just feel lost and spiraling and I feel like I have no one to talk to about this.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
P

Pennybrite

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2021
Messages
76
Location
Space
You say not ED, but it is ED. Eating disorders have many forms and phases. You are in a phase of it meaning it's still going on.

I personally thing no one ever is cured from an ED but they can go into remission or at least tame it to tolerable levels. That's just my belief.

Are you working with anyone on it?
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
1,935
It sounds like an ED to me, or at least what they call Disordered Eating.

I hope someone with more knowledge can come in with some advice.
 
A

ape130

Active member
Joined
Oct 18, 2021
Messages
35
Location
Utah
I would say look into doing some eating disorder treatment, whether intensive outpatient or residential/in patient. They can help you so much, I've been before and it really set on a better path. The trick is to stay on it afterwards!
 
O

Owlie

New member
Joined
Nov 6, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Prague
Thank you for the replies, it was kind of a wake up call. I only viewed it as an issue with my willpower and self-perception and that I just need to be determined, but I guess it's more than that and adding some qualified outside would benefit me a lot.
I will try to get some help. Thank you again for the comments, you really made me reconsider a lot of things and move forward.
Hope you all are having a wonderful day.
 

Similar threads

Top