Not coping

[Henrysmum]

Hello. I joined the forum recently, but haven't posted until now.

I've read lots of the posts here and I realise that I am lucky. My problems compared to most are trivial, but they've overwelmed me.

I am too much of a chicken to actually commit suicide, but I think about ways and means of ending my life a lot. I don't have the nerve to make that step, I'm essentially a wimp. I'm not even sure I should be posting. I know my sibling would say I really just need to get a grip on myself and stop acting like a child, but a combination of money worries, health concerns, unemployment and isolation have me firmly in their grip.

I feel like I don't matter to a soul and never will. I'm not sure when I was last happy for more than a fleeting time, I'm not sure I ever was. I feel a failure. I'm failing myself and I don't know what way to fix things. I don't really want to die, I just don't want to continue living like this. If only there was a reset button in life.

 

[exyz]

hello Henrysmum. I'm glad that you found us, so sorry you felt the need to seek us out though.

I think a lot of us will relate to how you feel, . It's more than "getting a grip" if only we all could, so please don't feel a failure at all. You are not in a very good place at the moment, it can get better and it won't always be like this. Slow and little steps though sometimes.

First thing, have you been to see your doctor, are you on any meds, any support at all?
( If it's a while for a reply I am out in a mo to an appointment but did not want to read and run)

 

[Randomcrisis]

Henrysmum expressing this is a big first step. There may not be something as simple as a reset button (that would be tremendous) but there is hope that things will improve, and admitting these feelings is a recognition of that. You will find many people here, myself included, that feel their problems are trivial compared to others - but it's not a competition and if you feel the way you feel then you are right to look for help. You don't choose to feel this way. The starting point for me was going to see my GP. Medication might help (it helps me) but they can often refer you to other services that will help and guide you through recovery. Talk to your sibling if you can, try make them understand how you feel. What you have described is very much how I've felt - it can get better. I wish you well.

 

[Henrysmum]

Thank you exyz for the welcome and the kind words.

I am on sertraline at the moment and have tried other antidepressants, but they don't seem to have any major effect on my mood. I will have to go back to see my GPs, but my surgery only takes on the day appointments now and you never see the same GP twice in a row with locums etc, it's starting afresh every time and in the time slot available it just doesn't seem to work well for me.

To be honest I don't have a great deal of support. My family don't want to know or in some cases have way more to deal with than me so to them I am a low priority item. My friends all look to me for support. I am their sounding block, the one to listen and to help with their problems, but they all want their strong friend. They don't need a weak friend who needs to lean on them. Oh dear, I'm full of oh woe is me and self pity!

 

[Henrysmum]

Thank you Randomcrisis. It sounds bad to say I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling like this, but it is wonderful to feel understood. I guess today is just a very bad day, one which just has to be got through, but your kind words help. X

 

[Randomcrisis]

Henrysmum this does sound all too familiar. I've been taking sertraline for a few weeks now and will look to up the dosage. I also used to see different doctors but now I just ask for the same one and I'm lucky there are not locums in and out, as I now feel I'm getting somewhere (and not just with mental health issues). Like you, I have been people's ear when they need to talk but right now I need that support - and it has come not from the people I expected. Some friends and family have their own problems, some just don't appear to understand or have an interest (I'm pretty disappointed in them), and some I've not even bothered to tell because I know what they are like. The ones who have helped most are actually a relative I've not spoken to in 20 years and an old friend, again someone I've not spoken to in years but is always there in the background (and now checks on me daily, just by a message). Maybe someone will surprise you? I know it is not easy to approach the subject, but asking for help is vital - maybe one of your friends would be almost relieved to see that her strong friend also has problems, and it is not just them?

Yesterday was my bad day. I barely functioned. Today is not so bad, and maybe tomorrow will be better?

 

[exyz]

Hello again

Yes, to seeing the GP and locums and appointments. Can you ask for a double appointment with a permanent GP for starters? I know you will probably have to wait a couple of weeks for it but it is there waiting then, if that makes sense?

Also, if you are England based some local authorities allow you to self refer for some MH support, have a look or ring the surgery. It is a start and somewhere to lean. I really relate to everyone relying on you and disappearing when you need the support. I've started to learn to say no and put some boundaries up on that.
People aren't happy, but that is their problem. You need your strength for you at the moment.

We are here listening, hope it helps a little and as Randomcrisis says, days can be better than others. No quick fix but you can climb out of this bit by bit with support

 

[Henrysmum]

It doesn't help a little, it helps a lot. To be fair to the people around me unless you have actual lived experience like you kind people have I just think you've no idea of the torment that goes in inside our heads.

Appointments for our GP cannot be made in advance at our surgery anymore. It's a free for all and pot luck on the day with everyone desperately trying to get through at 8am. Getting a standard appointment is difficult, there's no chance of a double appointment. It's a penalty for the number of people who were making appointments in advance then not turning up.

Exyz I admire you for managing to set boundaries, I really struggle with that! X