Not Coping

[j_lol]

Im in no fit state to make any sense I just need to write some stuff down and make it known that I am NOT COPING

There, I said it. I am sick of putting on a brave face for everyone, peeling myself out of bed, going to work and being professional all day, and then coming home to a s**thole of a flat cos I just dont have the capacity to look after myself anymore.

I try to build myself a support network but I only have three people I can really talk too. One is my ex so cant talk to him anymore, one I have never met other than on-line and one lives very far away. I am lonely and NOT COPING

It feels good just to say it, even in type on a forum. Sorry if I am bumming anyone out with this, I just dont know what else to do to blow off steam. I am taking meds again now but just feel medicated, all the underlying stuff is there but I am so controlled by the meds that I don't have my outlets anymore to help me cope and get the demons out. I am doing everything I can to try and fight this but nothing is making me feel better, maybe I am not supposed to feel better, maybe this is how I am meant to feel. Maybe I expect too much.

I feel like the walking dead.

 

[Dollit]

JLol support networks take time and experience to build up. No one is diagnosed and has a ready made support network. If you have a reasonable relationship with your GP then that person counts in on your network. Some people on your network happen for a few hours, others stay years. I've been seriously close to suicide this week and some of the people who have supported me haven't actually known why, they just know that I've been in a bad spot, don't know that I'm bipolar or why I needed help, just sent me messages several times a day on my social network site.

Someone close to me said this week that I'm too sensitive, I feel everything and most people don't even notice the barbs that hurt me so much and that's my big aim for the next year, not to be less sensitive, that's part of my illness but to aim for knowing what has to be bothered about and what hasn't.

We all go through periods of not coping, just store up what helps now and try and remember it if it happens again.

 

[j_lol]

Thanks for your reply Dollit. I'm sorry to hear that you are having a bad time at the moment. We are practicaly neighbours so its good that we can support each other through the forum

I have now found a wonderful GP after many years of feeling let down by the NHS and had not thought of him as part of my support network. I completely identify with what you say about being sensitive, I have the same problem, I personalise things which are not about me at all, always have done.

Thanks for your support and I hope we are both feeling better soon.

xx

 

[Libra1]

hi j-lol,
I am glad you posted, here is a hug for starters

I have been in your situation, and do understand, do you feel as if your bubble is about to burst big time? I will be part of your support team if you like just pm me

When was the last time you saw your Gp or hospital specialist? If you are on medication as you say, are you taking your tabs? Sorry for all the questions
Is there anyway you could be signed off from work for a while, or perhaps reduce your hours?

j-lol, try not to be so hard on yourself. Do you think you are trying too hard to be well etc. Go and put kettle on for a and be naughty and have 1-2 biscuits as well. Then come back and post again
I think you maybe doing far too much each and every day, try and slow down a little today and tommorow and see how it goes. Also try and get in to see your Gp Monday.

Sorry cannot think of anything else, pm me if you like

Take care
x

 

[j_lol]

hi j-lol,
I am glad you posted, here is a hug for starters

I have been in your situation, and do understand, do you feel as if your bubble is about to burst big time? I will be part of your support team if you like just pm me

When was the last time you saw your Gp or hospital specialist? If you are on medication as you say, are you taking your tabs? Sorry for all the questions
Is there anyway you could be signed off from work for a while, or perhaps reduce your hours?

j-lol, try not to be so hard on yourself. Do you think you are trying too hard to be well etc. Go and put kettle on for a and be naughty and have 1-2 biscuits as well. Then come back and post again
I think you maybe doing far too much each and every day, try and slow down a little today and tommorow and see how it goes. Also try and get in to see your Gp Monday.

Sorry cannot think of anything else, pm me if you like

Take care
x

Hi Libra

You were the first person to welcome me to the forum when I joined in desperation and I have never forgotten that. Thanks for your kind reply.

I now have a brew but no biscuits in the house so I drank some chocolate milk straight out of the bottle instead and that had the desired effect!

I think you are right, I am trying to do too much. I sam my pschologist today and he was saying that the thing which confuses him about me is how I manage to get up and go to work everyday in the condition I am in. I go because I do enjoy my job and I dont want to let anyone down. I dont want to get signed off cos then I have to tell them why and admit to them that I am struggling. I also dont get sick pay and dont want to be considered unfit to do my line of work any longer and get struck off. But I give so much when I am at work that I leave nothing for myself so maybe I should hold back a bit and conserve some energy.

I am keeping up with taking the meds but cant for the life of me remember if I have taken any today or not.

I was really touched by your offer to be part of my support network! consider me part of yours too This forum has become a significant part of my life, even through periods when I have not really contributed. I usually hang out around the chill out cafe to take my mind off things but its nice that we can post our deepest darkest feelings too.

Anyway, dont want to let myget cold

 

[KP1]

It does sound like you are trying really hard. Just remembe rthat depression is an illness just like any other illness and it takes time to get well. Take care. KP

 

[intelgal]

Hiya,

Sorry your having a tough time at the moment. I support everything that has been said by everyone! You are poorly and you need some looking after. Works a real toughie I work in healthcare and have resisted this illness for so long trying to battle my way through it and fearing I would be looked at in a different way. I have been of work a while now and although I know its going to be hard when I do go back I recognise this is a real illness. You would not be expected to work without support if you had a 'physical' illness etc etc. Support networks are important and they often come from people you dont expect mine has increased ten fold since I 'outed' myself with this illness. I remeber Dollit saying about the lady in boots who gives her her presciption was in her... THe pharmacistI use in now in mine .... the receptionist at the hospital is too they dont know they are but they are to me! others include my Gp, psych, occupational health, online friends and of course my friends and family!
Intel (sorry if i ve ranted a bit)

 

[j_lol]

Thankyou both for your support, I also work in a demanding health care role and even though I know I need some time away I just dont want to 'out' myself to my employers.

I feel very scared this evening, My heart is pounding and my eyes keep drifting in and out of focus. I feel like my head is caving in.

I feel bad because I am not the most supportive person on this forum towards others, I tend to involve myself more in the games etc so I feel unfair accepting everyones support. Just all know how grateful I am

 

[Dollit]

Jlol, everyone uses the forum in a different way. That's why it works the way it does. But we all need help from time to time and we're all entitled to it. Before I wrote on my blog how bad things were I'd been pming people for days and talking about it. But I'm asking for support now on the public forum now I'm coming out of the other side, albeit slowly. Horses for courses, no right or perfect way.

 

[intelgal]

Honestly Jlol... when I first joined the forum i would come on and ask what I thought were y stupid and pointless questions but someone usually replied with a perfectly logical answer. I am on here most days and on most of these I dont feel strong enough to answer but thats ok for now... as dollit says horses for courses. I am better in Pm's and this works for me... please feel free to Pm if you want.

Here some well deserved

 

[ke511]

I feel similar to you and can understand how difficult it is sometimes.

Its as if you're drifting along with life getting on with the tasks you're expected to do, getting up every morning and going to work etc. And to everyone else it must appear that you're "normal" and "fine" but deep down thats not true.

Everyday is an effort for me to go and put on this brave face when all I really want to do is let it all go and sink away, almost, so then everyone can see how I really am, and then maybe I will be rescued. You just have to dig in and keep going. Although you are struggling with your problem, giving it all up and throwing your job away etc. will not help, instead it will create more problems- guilt, anxiety etc. Plus work is giving us the opportunity to actually spend time with other people, and provides a distractions to somewhat negative thoughts. I wouldnt say give up your job, but maybe a break, or even a holiday, is in urgent need.

Take Care

 

[j_lol]

Thats it, now I live alone work does give me the oppertunity to see people and take my mind off things. I do have a week off coming up but unfortunately I have to go to weddings etc, I have cancelled my plans tmrw so I can stay in my pyjamas and rest up.

 

[ke511]

Good, you sound like you both deserve and need it! The odd pyjama days are always nice to have...a day of relaxation, possibly a bubble bath, watching the favourite film/reading a good book etc. Hopefully it will do you the world of good and hope you feel better

 

[j_lol]

Well, I'm up and getting ready for work again. I am going to be useless today and the temptation to ring in sick is overpowering but as usual I just dont want to let anyone down so Im going in.

Im going to be late too but sod it

I rested up yestersday. tried to follow my psych advise and do the cleaning in 5 min bursts with a rest in between, trouble is im making a mess faster than im clearing it up. I need a Wall-E robot to help me I think! I am not doing well at the moment, I hope this wil pass soon.

 

[j_lol]

Ok, I don't mind admitting that I feel a little foolish for how I have been feeling these last few days and the state I have got myself into.

I had a really good day at work today. I love what I do, I am not afraid to say that I am good at what I do, and I love the person I become at work, full of confidence and knowledge and fun. I just wish I could translate that version of me into my private life. Something to work on I suppose.

I am going to try and be Mary Poppins this evening and turn the cleaning into a game. It may spound childish but it works for me. Also, now I have told you lot I am going to do the cleaning I will have to actually do it! I wonder what my kithchen surfaces look like? It's been a while since I have seen them!