Not coping, going through hell

[littlemiss436]

I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember.
On Friday, the doctor told me I wasn't clinically depressed! That makes a change

But I'm not coping.

My boyfriend and I were madly in love, until something happened (a huge breach of trust) that ended up in him getting arrested.

He has been in prison 2 months now and it turns out that, while I thought he was well and a number of things he wasn't, truth is he is schizophrenic and been living in a complete delusional world which, unfortunately, has caused him to commit crimes. Nothing serious, he's never hurt anyone and never would, but he keeps doing it and kept skipping bail, which is why he is now in prison.

2 months ago, he realised he might not be well. As soon as I realised this, I offered him my support. I do believe that he only committed crimes due to his delusions and that essentially he is a good person.

I'm still in love with him. And the separation is killing me. I can't cope. I also now have serious trust issues and part of me wonders whether he really loves me (he says he does and wants to marry me and has done from the moment we met) or whether he is using me to make things easier for him throughout all of this - he has no-one else at all.

I fail at being single, I can't cope with the loneliness. And when he got arrested, he was wrenched away from me without warning and I am dealing with the grief of losing the old relationship that we never will have back (because he is not that person any more - the delusions are gone). I don't want to be single, I love him and want to be with him and want to help him... but I don't know if I can cope.

The worst thing is the not knowing - we don't know how long he will be in prison for. It could be 6 weeks, it could be 6 months. Or more.

I don't know if I can handle this. I want to curl up in a ball and not exist any more but I'm far too darn sensible and considerate of my friends and family to do anything about it... So I am stuck in this hell where I can't eat, can't sleep properly, am not enjoying life at all... and where I am doubting so much about my relationship with him. Can I trust him?

He is incredibly intelligent to the point where I am sure he could fake a lot... Although I know the delusions were real, he honestly believed what he was saying, everyone who met him will say the same.

But I don't know what to do. I love him.
But I am 29, I want to be getting married and having kids and I am scared that if he doesn't get out for ages, and then we give it a go and then it goes wrong I will have wasted so much time.

Yet I can't abandon him and I don't think I could handle being just friends with him, it would hurt too much - for both of us. I am so confused.

Sorry for the long post - thank you for reading if you got this far.

 

[mrsclue]

Didnt want to read and run hun, i'm pretty much the same, I suck at being single lol. I cant tell you what to do by your relationship-there's no point you'll do what you feel is right in the end. What I can say though is, if you are going to stop all contact etc then give your time chance to grieve. Froget what your family and friends think-take some time for yourself.
If you feel that you really cannot cope with life in general then a trip to the docs is probably needed. Good luck hun, hope you figure out what to do xxx

 

[schiz01]

gosh you are in a spot.
If you love him you should try and work through this with your boyfriend so no permanent damage is done if that is possible.
Maybe you could take an active role in making sure he gets the medical and legal help he needs ,then when he gets out set a few ground rules.I think a relationship councilor would be a good idea,it could help you both work through things for better or worse.You may stay together or split up but with the help of a councilor and by being open and honest about how you feel it will be a better out come for you both which ever way it goes.