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Not a normal life

Tawny

Tawny

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I actually just came across this thread. I relate to all this suffering so much. I struggle with things well people take for granted. I struggle to go out, take showers, clean, get to doctor appointment. I just want to sleep which I do. My life is meaningless I wake up in late afternoon and just sit around. Like some people said, I have nothing to look forward to. I struggle to even get up, when I do I'm depressed. I try to think of ways to change my life but I get negative thoughts about that. It goes nowhere, meds don't help, people can't or don't help. I cannot help myself, the winter blues are here. Getting dark early makes my life harder. When I do get out it's not until late afternoon by than it's dark already. I read many of the posts on here and can absolutely relate. I'm sorry for the suffering you all endure. How do we manage to go on? The holidays don't make it better. People getting ready to celebrate, buying gifts, shopping having fun. Families with children, I sit alone on holidays no real family, no children. No pets, no understanding. Hell is here right here on earth. But we go on.🙄
Tawny, I apologize for taking up so much space on your thread. I wish we could meet we are so much alike.❤

I don't mind, i can share :)

My pets keep me alive. It sounds silly but it is true. Sometimes i think they take up my time that i should spend on trying to have a fuller life, but right now is where i am.

Can you get a hamster? It is something to focus on, someone who cannot wait to see you in the morning for a stroke and a treat? Someone to talk to!

I try to make Christmas special for myself. I do have some family members i need to check are ok, and i see one of them on christmas day. Sometimes i would like to spend it alone, i don't think i could cope with a huge table of 25 like my friend has, and a day full of games and tradition.

Do you bake? Mince pies? Cookies?
 
C

Comorbidity

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I also reached a point where i felt life was over, it did in fact stop dead. Since then, i have rebuilt some sort of life very slowly. I don't know what is right or wrong, if i should push harder and fight harder, or stick with doing what needs to be done, such as washing my bedding regularly. Those small things are hard to get done.

I don't think any mental illness can be cured, at least it must be rare, so many of us have to work with our symptoms or around them.

Medication brings side effects for me and so i cannot tolerate a higher dose. I am still having symptoms and still dealing with milder side effects.

I would like a trial work week, just to see how many days or hours i would last. I think the journey to work would leave me coming home again after a few hours.

Mine really is over Tawny, it's been over for 10 years, I've accepted it, things were just broken too badly, too many severe traumas over a 3 to 4 year period, too long in an incredibly bad manic state trying to get treatment. I don't think psychiatrists and doctors appreciate that in many ways manic episodes and the need to recognise and treat them quickly is the same as the need to recognise a stroke and treat that quickly, as they are also like a fire spreading through the brain, and the longer you leave that fire burning without diagnosis or treatment, the more damage it is going to do to the brain and it's ability to recover and play any meaningful part in what they consider to be society
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I feel fragile. I'm sleeping far too much again. I had to switch everything off just now and lay on the rug with my cats. I almost fell badly in the hallway as hamster is in his ball. All kinds of thinking going on so I had to STOP
 
G

Ginger Kitten

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@Tawny I do sympathetise, I have felt this way myself, several times. But I will keep it simple and say what my pdoc says to me when I voice such thoughts: "There is no such thing as normal so there's no point aiming for it." As a psychiatrist, he would say that, wouldn't he, given his client group?!! But I kind of know what he means: there is no gold standard for success in life, even for those who are stable and 'normal': we are all finding our way. Kind wishes, Ginger Kitten.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I managed my daily walk which I am proud of as I am doing it easier. Getting fitter.

I may fall asleep soon. It is annoying.
 
G

Ginger Kitten

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Sorry Tawny, I haven't read through the thread as I've been busy today. But is yr tiredness due to meds, new or otherwise, or the illness, or both? If it's new meds, soporific effects usually ease off after a few weeks, but if it's an ongoing meds side effect, maybe yr pdoc needs to know?

The depressive phase of bp can be shattering and I have to say, I haven't had that for some years, probably due to my meds combo. But when it hit I just used to give in to it and sleep as much as I needed to, so I can't really offer any tips on that front. I used to be kind and gentle with myself cos I felt vulnerable, and if I needed to, I bawled my eyes out. It felt like a release valve. Thinking of you, Tawny.
 
K

keith74

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I managed my daily walk which I am proud of as I am doing it easier. Getting fitter.

I may fall asleep soon. It is annoying.
That is great that you went for a walk! Walking is so good for you - mentally and physically. When my wife was acutely depressed last year, we went for many long walks. It was the one thing she could muster up the any slight desire for. The walks were able to get her mind off all the negative thoughts a little bit. Even though she still felt miserable during and after the walks, at least is was a slightly less miserable feeling.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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It is the medication mostly that causes the sleepiness, i know it is a common side effect. The time of year is also a problem. I think during the warmer months my illness breaks through and so i am not tired, it pushes the side effect away.

It is really hard getting through the days with this heaviness. I am managing and it could be much worse, but it is hard. I am putting weight on too as i am in bed too much.

The walks are essential mentally and physically. It looks like other people have noticed that too :) it is really important even when in a severe depression, it makes a difference.
 
G

Ginger Kitten

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@Tawny Yes, I use exercise, including walks, too, to manage the illness. Sorry, I didn't mean to imply you didn't know about the soporific effect of drugs, more that I was trying to be inclusive of newer members who might not. The presentation of my illness has varied in the 30 years since the first episode after Finals at university.
Now I suffer frequent bouts of mixed episodes: the last one nearly broke me because it was one too many. I'm coming out of it now but I think my new med, lamotrigine, is causing sleeplessness and a bit of hypomania, which will set off an episode if my pdoc isn't informed. I told my support worker on Wednesday but she was a bit dismissive, but then honestly, she doesn't know as much about bp as I do, and many other long term sufferers.

Anyway, v long winded way of saying I get it about depression but that I also use exercise for the more 'energetic ' states. I wish you well soon. Ginger x
 
Tawny

Tawny

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@Ginger Kitten I don't know what soporific is specifically :) but guessed it was similar to somnolence which i think is what lamotrigine causes. I too had hypo/mania quite badly in the first year or two but then it stopped coming, now years later i am sleepy most of the time (except when the naturally hypo/mania comes on around March). I am sure it is called somnolence, i spoke to the pharmacist about it once and she said that is very common, and basically said it was tough luck, goodbye.

Lamotrigine was fuelled my hypomania but also i had the effects of reducing an antipsychotic, and also there was not much preventing the hypomania. Has that happened to you? 3 x trouble.
 
G

Ginger Kitten

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@Tawny Somnolence just means sleepiness Tawny, it's not specifically a medical term though it is used in medicine. I think sometimes professionals blind people with science by mistake: they use terms they are familiar with and forget others have a different type of language. It's known as professional jargon and exists in every sphere of work. I'm a former magazine copy editor and writer and it was my job to make the unintelligible intelligible: we used to say that jargon was literary rudeness!

Anyway, I digress. If I understand yr question correctly, you are asking me if my pdoc has tapered another med in order to introduce the lamotrigine? Well no, he's left me on my usual doses of lithium and Quetiapine (an antipsychotic which also stabilises mood).

I am slightly concerned this hypo drive (it's not yet mania, but...) is a result of lamotrigine, as restlessness, irritability and sleeplessness (all of which I've experienced recently) are all side effects, according to the PATIENT LEAFLET. I've only just come out of a mixed episode so don't want another due to a med that's supposed to be making me better not worse! I'm hoping it will calm down when my brain and body are more used to it. Nice to chat to you. KR, Ginger.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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@Ginger Kitten I hope it calms down. Mine kept going, picking up speed, but it was a very pleasant time until it wasn't it. Maybe you could ask for Lamotrigine to be reduced slightly? I think i did that eventually, by 50mg.

Jargon is rudeness - i like that!
 
G

Ginger Kitten

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@Tawny I'm on only 25mg/day so quite low and being titrated by by 25mg every 2 weeks to 100mg, which is standard I think. Thing is, it was me who asked for a meds tweak so serve me right! But I was recovering from the mixed episode and now this is pushing me back into one... it's a bit like giving unipolar depressive prozac when it can increase suicidality in the first few weeks. Where's the sense in any of this? Almost - almost, not actually - makes me want to flush all my meds down the loo!!! Thank u for yr kind concern, I do appreciate it. Yours in love and fellowship.
 
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