O
outcast24
New member
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2010
- Messages
- 1
Sorry this is so long but I don't know if I can summarise it.
A lot of things have changed in a very short amount of time, and it's had a very negative effect on me. I've got a history of mental illness - severe anxiety and depression. It got pretty bad a couple of years ago when I quit my job and for months and months I had nothing to do but stay at home. That made me very depressed and I could not even leave the house. I managed to get through it, got a job and enjoyed it for a while. Now this year it's all been turned upside down again. Just before Christmas a load of new people started at my job, and I got on with them pretty well. Especially a couple of them. They made otherwise boring days more bearable. Then, one of them left. Never heard from that person again. And then, I got chickenpox. I was stuck in the house for 2 weeks, and it messed with my head in about the same way it had done before when I quit my job. Sitting around the house with nothing to do but think can really screw with you. Going back to work after those 2 weeks was extremely hard, and I started getting pretty bad panic attacks for the first time in a long while. But the one friend that I had left made it easier on me, even though they didn't know it. Now, a couple of weeks ago that person left. Now the panic attacks have come back and are worse than ever - sometimes they can last for hours. It's terrifying, I feel as if I don't run away, I could have a nervous breakdown at work or something. What's more is that the place has completely changed. There are more new people, and the old people that have left I don't get on with particularly well. I feel as if I have nothing and no one left there. It's a dead end job with people I don't like and who I can't help but think are judging me. And I'm afraid to make friends with the new ones because I feel so self conscious... and also don't want to get attached in case I get hurt again.
And now... I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. Those two work friends have disappeared, I haven't heard from them since they left. My supposedly best friend is also going through some hard times right now, and is always calling me, talking to me about her problems, but when I need to talk to her about mine, she doesn't listen, and then turns the conversation straight back to talking about her. So I feel as though I can't talk to her. I've tried to connect with my other friends, not even to talk about what I'm going through, just to have someone different to hang out with but most of the time my messages just get ignored, and it hurts. I have very close family who I feel I can talk to about anything, but they live in different countries and separate timezones. It's difficult to talk by phone because they have no landline, just mobiles. My parents are going on holiday next week for a month so I wont be able to talk to them. And my therapist, who I saw for a year and a half and who helped me get through many problems, has gone. I had my last session with her on Tuesday - she's taking a break for an entire year. Now I really feel so alone. I have no one to talk to, and everything is just getting worse. My panic attacks are getting worse. I'm picking up every bug that's going around because my immune system is down from the chickenpox and probably from feeling so rundown anyway. It's getting harder and harder to deal with my job. I'm trying to find a new one but my employment history isn't doing me any favours. I can't quit because I can't afford to, and I can't do any further training because all the training courses I looked at are too expensive. I can barely pay my bills with the wages I get from this job, which I work 6 (sometimes 7 days or more) a week. I'm so scared this is all going to get on top of me and I'll end up having a nervous breakdown. I used to be on fluoxetine, but stopped taking it last summer when things were going well for me. I'm terrified to get back on it because I know how much worse it made me feel while I was waiting for it to kick in. I'm just so down all the time... I can't laugh anymore. I just hold back tears constantly and panic all the time. I'm just depressed. And I don't know what to do.
A lot of things have changed in a very short amount of time, and it's had a very negative effect on me. I've got a history of mental illness - severe anxiety and depression. It got pretty bad a couple of years ago when I quit my job and for months and months I had nothing to do but stay at home. That made me very depressed and I could not even leave the house. I managed to get through it, got a job and enjoyed it for a while. Now this year it's all been turned upside down again. Just before Christmas a load of new people started at my job, and I got on with them pretty well. Especially a couple of them. They made otherwise boring days more bearable. Then, one of them left. Never heard from that person again. And then, I got chickenpox. I was stuck in the house for 2 weeks, and it messed with my head in about the same way it had done before when I quit my job. Sitting around the house with nothing to do but think can really screw with you. Going back to work after those 2 weeks was extremely hard, and I started getting pretty bad panic attacks for the first time in a long while. But the one friend that I had left made it easier on me, even though they didn't know it. Now, a couple of weeks ago that person left. Now the panic attacks have come back and are worse than ever - sometimes they can last for hours. It's terrifying, I feel as if I don't run away, I could have a nervous breakdown at work or something. What's more is that the place has completely changed. There are more new people, and the old people that have left I don't get on with particularly well. I feel as if I have nothing and no one left there. It's a dead end job with people I don't like and who I can't help but think are judging me. And I'm afraid to make friends with the new ones because I feel so self conscious... and also don't want to get attached in case I get hurt again.
And now... I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. Those two work friends have disappeared, I haven't heard from them since they left. My supposedly best friend is also going through some hard times right now, and is always calling me, talking to me about her problems, but when I need to talk to her about mine, she doesn't listen, and then turns the conversation straight back to talking about her. So I feel as though I can't talk to her. I've tried to connect with my other friends, not even to talk about what I'm going through, just to have someone different to hang out with but most of the time my messages just get ignored, and it hurts. I have very close family who I feel I can talk to about anything, but they live in different countries and separate timezones. It's difficult to talk by phone because they have no landline, just mobiles. My parents are going on holiday next week for a month so I wont be able to talk to them. And my therapist, who I saw for a year and a half and who helped me get through many problems, has gone. I had my last session with her on Tuesday - she's taking a break for an entire year. Now I really feel so alone. I have no one to talk to, and everything is just getting worse. My panic attacks are getting worse. I'm picking up every bug that's going around because my immune system is down from the chickenpox and probably from feeling so rundown anyway. It's getting harder and harder to deal with my job. I'm trying to find a new one but my employment history isn't doing me any favours. I can't quit because I can't afford to, and I can't do any further training because all the training courses I looked at are too expensive. I can barely pay my bills with the wages I get from this job, which I work 6 (sometimes 7 days or more) a week. I'm so scared this is all going to get on top of me and I'll end up having a nervous breakdown. I used to be on fluoxetine, but stopped taking it last summer when things were going well for me. I'm terrified to get back on it because I know how much worse it made me feel while I was waiting for it to kick in. I'm just so down all the time... I can't laugh anymore. I just hold back tears constantly and panic all the time. I'm just depressed. And I don't know what to do.
