Noone to talk to... so here I am.

[outcast24]

Sorry this is so long but I don't know if I can summarise it.

A lot of things have changed in a very short amount of time, and it's had a very negative effect on me. I've got a history of mental illness - severe anxiety and depression. It got pretty bad a couple of years ago when I quit my job and for months and months I had nothing to do but stay at home. That made me very depressed and I could not even leave the house. I managed to get through it, got a job and enjoyed it for a while. Now this year it's all been turned upside down again. Just before Christmas a load of new people started at my job, and I got on with them pretty well. Especially a couple of them. They made otherwise boring days more bearable. Then, one of them left. Never heard from that person again. And then, I got chickenpox. I was stuck in the house for 2 weeks, and it messed with my head in about the same way it had done before when I quit my job. Sitting around the house with nothing to do but think can really screw with you. Going back to work after those 2 weeks was extremely hard, and I started getting pretty bad panic attacks for the first time in a long while. But the one friend that I had left made it easier on me, even though they didn't know it. Now, a couple of weeks ago that person left. Now the panic attacks have come back and are worse than ever - sometimes they can last for hours. It's terrifying, I feel as if I don't run away, I could have a nervous breakdown at work or something. What's more is that the place has completely changed. There are more new people, and the old people that have left I don't get on with particularly well. I feel as if I have nothing and no one left there. It's a dead end job with people I don't like and who I can't help but think are judging me. And I'm afraid to make friends with the new ones because I feel so self conscious... and also don't want to get attached in case I get hurt again.
And now... I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. Those two work friends have disappeared, I haven't heard from them since they left. My supposedly best friend is also going through some hard times right now, and is always calling me, talking to me about her problems, but when I need to talk to her about mine, she doesn't listen, and then turns the conversation straight back to talking about her. So I feel as though I can't talk to her. I've tried to connect with my other friends, not even to talk about what I'm going through, just to have someone different to hang out with but most of the time my messages just get ignored, and it hurts. I have very close family who I feel I can talk to about anything, but they live in different countries and separate timezones. It's difficult to talk by phone because they have no landline, just mobiles. My parents are going on holiday next week for a month so I wont be able to talk to them. And my therapist, who I saw for a year and a half and who helped me get through many problems, has gone. I had my last session with her on Tuesday - she's taking a break for an entire year. Now I really feel so alone. I have no one to talk to, and everything is just getting worse. My panic attacks are getting worse. I'm picking up every bug that's going around because my immune system is down from the chickenpox and probably from feeling so rundown anyway. It's getting harder and harder to deal with my job. I'm trying to find a new one but my employment history isn't doing me any favours. I can't quit because I can't afford to, and I can't do any further training because all the training courses I looked at are too expensive. I can barely pay my bills with the wages I get from this job, which I work 6 (sometimes 7 days or more) a week. I'm so scared this is all going to get on top of me and I'll end up having a nervous breakdown. I used to be on fluoxetine, but stopped taking it last summer when things were going well for me. I'm terrified to get back on it because I know how much worse it made me feel while I was waiting for it to kick in. I'm just so down all the time... I can't laugh anymore. I just hold back tears constantly and panic all the time. I'm just depressed. And I don't know what to do.

 

[DELATEXT]

this is very upsetting and difficult, I had to give up work because
mental illness and bullying, I got no support, because of the benefits system it is difficult to quit even when you are genuinely so ill ??
I would consider contacting the citizens advice or a mental health charity who could give you advice;
hope this helps.

 

[TOONAFISH]

Hi

I just read your post and life sound tough for you at the moment.

You sound like you have depression and anxiety. One on its own is hard but both tog will make you feel rotten.

Would you consider going to you doc for meds?? or for another therapist, or both.

I tried floxatine but stopped after 3 days as i couldnt take the side effects. but there are loads of diff ones available.

I think once you get on top of your low mood, the other things in life may seem a bit easier to combat.

I know what you mean about work people. it depends what shift im on, but sometimes i get on great and others i feel really intimidated.

but i think it all feels worse if im having a down day. so that wont be helping you making new friends etc.

coming on here for a natter might help, or even just reading posts and seeing your not alone.

im feeling a bit better at the moment, so i know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. i mite not be well always but i am for now, so i hope that helps.

speak soon xxx