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Nobody Wants to be Your Friend (VENT)

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SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
189
Location
USA
I'm an emotional wreck who's having doubts and feels pathetic. I hate the world and everyone in it. Nobody's good enough for me, but I'm not good enough for them. Everyone's got somebody and I'm just living within a void. I want to reach out but fear it's too much if I reach out I'll be rejected. Murderous perfection. I'm always curious and then I give up on myself. I hate this feeling of being overwhelmed and everyone beats me to it. The one thing that keeps me going inevitably becomes the thing I hate if it brings me upsetting memories. Why am I given more reasons to give up than to try? There are people who love being alone and there are people with lots of friends. Then there's me, I hate people's company yet I want their company. I neither alone or lonely, but I have no one. I have no contacts, no cousins, uncles, aunts, etc. I'm just existing as I did before this pandemic and It'll be the same after.

I don't see the point in communicating if means I'll be picked apart word for word. Why be friends with people who talk amongst themselves. Why, why, why?! I think I'm just not meant to be liked, they lose contact with me on purpose. I guess I'm just needy or boring or cursed.
 
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PerpetuallyStuck

Guest
I'm an emotional wreck who's having doubts and feels pathetic. I hate the world and everyone in it. Nobody's good enough for me, but I'm not good enough for them. Everyone's got somebody and I'm just living within a void. I want to reach out but fear it's too much if I reach out I'll be rejected. Murderous perfection. I'm always curious and then I give up on myself. I hate this feeling of being overwhelmed and everyone beats me to it. The one thing that keeps me going inevitably becomes the thing I hate if it brings me upsetting memories. Why am I given more reasons to give up than to try? There are people who love being alone and there are people with lots of friends. Then there's me, I hate people's company yet I want their company. I neither alone or lonely, but I have no one. I have no contacts, no cousins, uncles, aunts, etc. I'm just existing as I did before this pandemic and It'll be the same after.

I don't see the point in communicating if means I'll be picked apart word for word. Why be friends with people who talk amongst themselves. Why, why, why?! I think I'm just not meant to be liked, they lose contact with me on purpose. I guess I'm just needy or boring or cursed.
I suffer with Social Anxiety rather than BPD, but I hope it is ok to comment.

I despise how society works and how we have to act to fit in with it. People always wrote me off and thought I wasn't worth knowing because they didn't see me out and about much. What they didn't realise is that I turned down a lot of invites to social events because I was always paranoid about every aspect (will people be nice, what if I embarrass myself, what if I get stuck having to do this constantly etc). I don't dislike everyone, as there have been some really friendly and accepting people, it's just a shame I cut off contact with society and have no real way back. There were times in life where I felt the world was against me though.

It pains me, and makes me bitter and ashamed when I see couples all happy together, out and about, while I am literally an on looker. Like an unused substitute in sport, wanting to get the chance, and being so close, yet so far, it is such a tease.

Rejection is something I've never been able to deal with. Even if something is a given, I find a way to self sabotage and let that chance slip away!

There are many situations and people that can be overwhelming, and they neither realise or care about how hyper and obnoxious they are. I try to avoid those types, but it is a common trait in society.

Giving up makes it less hectic, and it is easy to say no. It is difficult to give things a go and be stong.

I also feel the need for SOME company. Not too much, not too little. Unfortunately I've found that I either have none, or fear that if I did get social momentum, it would be too much. In my (uk) college days there was a point where I was invited often to things from different social groups to do all sorts of things (house parties, nightclubs, cinema trips, birthdays, sports) and when I turned them all down, they felt like I was snubbing them or could tell I was too scared and thought of me as a lesser person. You are damned if you do, and damned if you don't it seems. No matter what choices I make, they seem to annoy people.

Yes, people can misinterpet what we say, or try to manipulate us. They can make us feel worthless and treat us with contempt. At the end of the day, I know I'm a decent person well worth knowing, and deserve respect. I'm sure you are similar.
 
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Allow4Grey

Member
Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Northeast
This is a painful place you are in. Man, it hurts. Sometimes seeing others seemingly coasting through life and seemingly all armed with an ultra thick-skinned barrier to life make the situation worse - sort of highlights every hurt, past, present and future. Overwhelming and excruciating.
I've had so great experiences recovering from my BPD traits. Letting go of some behaviours has improved my life but feeling the pain associated with BPD is the worst. Lockdown and trying to accept an ending friendship has sent me into some dark places. Its awful. I want to die, don't want to die. Offloading on my mother who I love only to end up screaming at her like its 'all' her fault! Then I feel extreme guilt so I hate myself. This turns to rage at myself. Then I direct it to my friend who I literally hate with all my being and miss at the same time. LOL can you tell why my name is Allow 4 grey.
SicklyBloom, have you had any help? Professional? If so it may be worth going over some of the material you used that was effective for you. If you haven't, then I would have a look at some free resources online. Some of it is quite helpful. Youtube has some helpful sources - some not so good too so you may need to dig around. Sometimes just screaming into a pillow with all your might can help. Writing out everything you want to do to yourself and others can sometimes take the sting out of things. Then you may end up writing yourself into some resolution as sometimes the answers are within but buried beneath the surface. I think this is why many find writing a journal useful. I find I can be really stubborn, literally protect powerful emotions that keeps me stuck in a painful place. Life really is too short to suffer and keep on suffering. We have suffered enough! Hope you feel better soon.
 
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PerpetuallyStuck

Guest
PerpetuallyStuck - sorry I didn't acknowledge your post. Your post must have arrived while I was writing.
No problems what-so-ever. It's not even my thread, and I appreciate the fact that you have spent the time to state that you think you have overlooked my post. If you, or anyone don't feel the need to reply to things I've said, then you have the right to not reply. On one hand I like to be on here and be part of things, and on the other I am almost desperate to hide away and never come back!

I also understand that this forum has its quirks and that you might not get notifications and updates when you should.
 
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Allow4Grey

Member
Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Northeast
Yes. I know what you mean. I'm quite a sensitive person - sometimes it's a burden, sometimes a strength. I'm new here so just getting know the forum. It seems a friendly place.
 
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AppletreeConfusion

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2020
Messages
50
Location
UK
I know how you feel.... it doesnt help to have had a taste of what its like to be respected and not so, but ultinately I've always ended up abused by people. I guess people really are mostly deceptive, but there are people out there that dont want you to be alone.

I feel bitter, but not at others in couples, I dont feel envy too strongly, but I do feel anger towards injustices. I guess that ca be considered an injustice, but I guess it can be pot luck to an extent, I mean there are people in relationships that make me feel that if it happened for them then it could just as easily have happened for me. Don't let others successes get you down, just fouc on yourself and be a decent human being.

I mean I habe posted bitter posts here myself when I have been feeling low, bit it's honestly important to start with ourselves. We are an inherently selfish abd hypocritical species, although we don't like to think that. Personally it's the subtle hatred that so commonly still exists in the world that makes me depressed - not the love. The thing I realised is, if we want more love in the world, the best place I can start is with myself, justice is important, but not if I am allowing it to inspire more hatred. So I think in your case you need to deal with envy, and that starts with a genuine internal self confidence and understanding of things. I mean if someone wins the lottery, why feel envy for something you had just as much chance with? Quite often if someone has more success there is a lesson, and the lesson can be to be a better version of yourself. I mean, we all have our own strengths, weaknesses, and passions and I think the answer lies on being a successful version of ourselves.

I havent got anybody atm btw, it is really depressing because it isn't really that common to feel compassion for people worse off than you. A lot of it is subconscious, but if you were the most successful version of yourself then people would natrually gravitate towards you and feel like they want to be a part of your life, that is unfortunately the truth with regards to most people, but personally I want to help all good people and feel genuine compassion for others suffering. I wish I could allivate the suffering of every good person seriously contemplating suicide. I'm not just saying that, many people won't even so much as hint at that though and this is why we suffer. But like I said, t really does start with ourselves, if we are the chsnge we want to see in the world, then that is a tiny step towards that and people can subconsciously copy the behaviour.
 
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Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,391
Location
London, ON
I don't see the point in communicating if means I'll be picked apart word for word. Why be friends with people who talk amongst themselves. Why, why, why?! I think I'm just not meant to be liked, they lose contact with me on purpose. I guess I'm just needy or boring or cursed.
Which is it? Do you want people around, or don't you?

Other people can be difficult, but they also reflect ourselves back to us.

The thing I realised is, if we want more love in the world, the best place I can start is with myself, justice is important, but not if I am allowing it to inspire more hatred
So much this.
 
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Allow4Grey

Member
Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Northeast
The thing I realised is, if we want more love in the world, the best place I can start is with myself, justice is important, but not if I am allowing it to inspire more hatred.
Thanks for highlighting this!
I should slow my reading down. This has hit me between the eyes! I really need to quit twitter news feeds (and the news in general for that matter) and take this medicine👆 .
 
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Princess Zelda

Guest
Do you also feel misunderstood at times? I feel that way. I don't really have a problem with people, but I just have a hard time getting along with others I guess. So in a way, I understand what you mean. But I also have my family and a friend and they help me a lot. So I'm really sorry you're going through this.

It's always possible for something good to happen in life. I went through moments like this and it felt like it was going to last forever. Staying in bed, feeling depression take over, losing interest in life. But there's a way for life to improve.

Do you have any hobbies or interests? What inspires you? Life is filled with all kinds of beauty and adventure. There are terrible people out there, sure. But good ones too. And I'm sure you'll be able to meet wonderful people who will become your friend. I'm wishing the best for you.
 
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SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
189
Location
USA
Do you also feel misunderstood at times? I feel that way. I don't really have a problem with people, but I just have a hard time getting along with others I guess. So in a way, I understand what you mean. But I also have my family and a friend and they help me a lot. So I'm really sorry you're going through this.

It's always possible for something good to happen in life. I went through moments like this and it felt like it was going to last forever. Staying in bed, feeling depression take over, losing interest in life. But there's a way for life to improve.

Do you have any hobbies or interests? What inspires you? Life is filled with all kinds of beauty and adventure. There are terrible people out there, sure. But good ones too. And I'm sure you'll be able to meet wonderful people who will become your friend. I'm wishing the best for you.
I'm looking back I what I wrote and now I regret it. Did I seriously say "murderous perfect"? Wow, way to go! I guess what I meant by that was that my perfectionism is so bad it could harm me. Hopefully, I didn't embarrass myself too much because I bet a few of you are scratching your heads right now.

The moral of what I wrote is simply, why is it harder for some and not for others. I know it sounds like an oh woe is me kind of thing, but I was just very upset last night. I just wanted to clear things up for anyone who questioned my terrible way with words.
 
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Allow4Grey

Member
Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Northeast
SicklyBloom - I'm new here but I imagine this place is not gramma policed lol. You write far better than i do when I'm enduring an emotional storm. Hope you are feeling better. I'm glad I found this place. Just knowing others are having similar problems is actually reassuring as sometimes my mind can convince me I'm unique, alone and damned.
 
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SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
189
Location
USA
SicklyBloom - I'm new here but I imagine this place is not gramma policed lol. You write far better than i do when I'm enduring an emotional storm. Hope you are feeling better. I'm glad I found this place. Just knowing others are having similar problems is actually reassuring as sometimes my mind can convince me I'm unique, alone and damned.
I agree with that because my thoughts are quite convincing at times. Right now I am lonely and have a hard time being grateful for having more time to myself. It's hard to make friends with yourself, especially when your own enemy. It's easier said than done!

By the way, nice to meet you. Finding this site has helped me a bunch!
 
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Allow4Grey

Member
Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
11
Location
Northeast
I know about being my own enemy, I find that easy to do.
Nice to meet you too. 😊
 
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