No words anymore.

S

stuckandhopeless

New member
Joined
Feb 19, 2016
Messages
3
I don't know where to turn so come here as a last resort.

Hello all you lovely people, I have only just joined here, but I have read through posts and I see you are all so supportive of one another and that is something I need in my life right now.

I don't even know where to start with this, it's all going to be a jumbled mess but I need to just let it out.

I moved in with my fiance nearly a year ago. We moved into a flat with his brother and his brothers girlfriend and their friend. I didn't want to live with all these other people with a history of anxiety and depression I don't like being around people all the time and need my space, but stupidly I moved and thought I'd be ok. I partly blame myself. I am not on the lease for this property as my fiances brother didn't make me part of it and I didn't know until it was too late so now I live there and pay rent for a house that I don't want to live in with people I don't want to live with that I'm not even on the lease for. Part one of my problem.

Second part of my problem. I took a job to move into that house so I could pay for the rent. I had a job before but it was only 16 hrs as I lived with my parents and only paid for my food and my toiletries etc and I didn't pay an all over rent, and I could manage my anxiety and depression with working those hours and had been in a sort of 'remission' for about 2 years. Whilst I did this 16hr job I also worked on my passion, becoming a makeup artist. I then began this new job that I took as a spur of the moment thing so I could move away and began working 37.5 hrs straight away. This job I started is a nursery nurse, working with young children every day and screaming babies. In the beginning it was fine, and now I go into work every day wanting to cry. I can't do anything about my passion either as I have no time for it and when I finish my work at the end of the day I am so tired and exhausted and run down I just go to sleep.

On top of all this, my fiance met me when I was in a stable period and even though he has witnessed the occasional panic attack he has never had to deal with my in the depths of my despair. I now feel as though moving and taking this job has led me back into the black hole that we all know so well as depression and I see no way out of it and to go with that - he doesn't understand what I'm going through.

As I work with children I am suffering a feeling of constant illness. I have had pnemonia, throat infections, sinus infections, one after the other - never ending and I'm guessing its because I'm depressed and my immune system is low.

I was signed off work before christmas with 'anxiety states' and was off for a week, went back to my parents house, slept, ate good food and relaxed and applied for new jobs. Then it was time to go back and it all went back to how it was before.

I was then back at work a week, and then had a break down and had to come home again. Two weeks this time. But as before, went back and it all started again. I then had a period of where I thought, this is stupid, everyone else gets on with life, why can't I? and just soildered on through.. work sleep work sleep cry work sleep. and now, you guessed it, I'm back at my parents house, laying in bed, looking for jobs, feeling totally stuck.

My work are not understanding about depression and mental illness at all. I have been threated to be fired if I do not come in on monday, even though my pnemonia has come back and I am unwell and so so so far down this black hole that I see no way out. I was told by my manager yesterday 'sometimes we just have to push ourselves' I had no words to say. I've been pushing myself for months. I don't know what to do.

I've applied for jobs but I can't even work part time as it would not be enough to pay the rent at the place i live in. and I can't move back home as my fiance is saying if i leave we will break up.

I don't even know what I expect in reply to this, but I just needed an outlet, and if this is in the wrong place I am so very sorry. I've probably left a lot out in this well but I'm just typing as it comes to me.

Thank you for reading this if you have got this far.
 
S

Stray

Guest
I'm sorry you're struggling so much. And that the manager at work isn't supportive. You obviously have been pushing yourself, too hard for too long, and you are ill. Have you been signed off by your GP? Make sure this is done and keep in touch with your GP. What do you want to happen? It sounds as though you are regretting both the move and the new job? Is your boyfriend supporting you? What about your parents? It sounds as though they are supportive of you. Maybe you need a break, from the flat, from work.
If the flat isn't working out I don't think not being on the lease will be a disadvantage?
Try to focus on what will help you to feel better. Work aren't allowed to hassle you if you are signed off. Hope things improve xx
 
S

stuckandhopeless

New member
Joined
Feb 19, 2016
Messages
3
Thank you so much for replying.

I have been signed off as from today, I've just been to the GP and I've got two weeks. The thing is my work threaten me when I call in with a sick note saying if I have time off I'm not a good worker and basically they'll fire me so I'm scared to even give them the note now.

Me and my fiance were meant to move out when the lease was up this year on the 28th but he signed it again and said he wanted to stay because he was scared of moving out. This is what started it all in reality. I counted down the year from when we first moved in and was like 'just one more year of this and we'll move out' and then its come to it and he's signed it again and we're still there all because he wants to be there and changed his mind last minute. I want to get a new job with less hours but all the jobs I've applied to over the past months haven't even replied and I've had no interviews it's left me in a bit of a rut.

My boyfriend isn't supporting me, no. He thinks I'm stupid and that no one else has a problem with it just me so I should get on with it and carry on because 'being sad and tired is what life is' and it's really hard because he comes from a whole family of people that think like that.

My parents are supportive and want me to come home and just take a break and get a job back at home but if I do that my fiance has basically said we'd break up and it wouldn't work anymore.

Thank you xxx
 
mami5

mami5

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 30, 2012
Messages
11,101
Location
North West Wales
Not really my place to say, but in my opinion, I don't think your boyfriend is the right man for you. If he can't support you, or try to understand what you're going through, then he doesn't come across as a very caring man, and by signing the lease for another year, he's not considering your thoughts, opinions, or health at all. This is very selfish of him. You'd be better off staying at your parents, look for another job with less hours, and follow your passion. You never know you might become successful and famous with it one day!

For now, you must concentrate on your health. That must come first, as your priority.

I wish you a speedy recovery :hug: xxxxxx
 
Last edited:
S

Stray

Guest
I agree with mami, your boyfriend doesn't seem to be considering how you feel at all. And to not discuss signing the lease with you is worrying. You can post the sick note over the weekend so that you don't need to speak to the manager? Please look after what helps you. Good luck xx
 
C

Crazy Lady In Stanton

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 29, 2015
Messages
1,536
Location
Stanton, CA
Stuck, when I read your story, I wanted to cry. The way your boyfriend and your employer treat you is awful. Please get away from these people before they can exploit you and hurt you any more. Go home to your parents and let them love you. Take care of yourself. And love your parents back. You are really only responsible to take care of yourself and those who love you, and no one else. Don't let people exploit you.
I hope you feel better soon. I am sending you a great big hug. :hug1:
 
S

stuckandhopeless

New member
Joined
Feb 19, 2016
Messages
3
Thank you everyone for replying , it means so much to me to have people understand how I feel or at least want to listen so thank you so much . I think I know really I need to come home but it's so hard I do love my fiancé but it's just not working. We've been together 3 years and I feel like if I leave the house the past 3 years of my life will just be for nothing and I don't want to lose him but I know he's not being the supportive person he's meant to be. I am meant to go back tonight , but I know I will go home to arguments and more stress. I feel sick with anguish. I wish I could disappear right now.
 
Top