• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

No sex - engaged.. is it me???

cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Since 2004 I have been in three relationships, and in every one the man has stopped being interested in sex quite quickly. Previous to that I had lots of sex from 1979 until 2004, I have a good sex drive, am open minded, will dress up, try new things and so on.

I'm 46, still slim and OK looking, still get plenty of attention from men though I dont actively seek it now as I am engaged. But on occasions when I do dress up to go out we do notice men looking at me still. So its not that I am ugly or anything.

Now I am engaged and finding myself pulling out of the relationship because of it - and other things too, mainly to do with how he allocates his spare energy and time. He works hard physically and is not a young fit man. He spent three years languishing in prison so that didnt help. He has diabetes, high blood pressure etc. Any spare energy after work goes on his music (rehearsals and performances), learning French, and religion.

I seem to be relegated to: shopper, cleaner, cooker, bed-warmer for a cuddle only and help out with book-keeping, tax advice, helping with his new business and escort him to his gigs, rehearsals etc.

He used to make a move on me, show desire for me. But hasnt since he went self employed six months ago.
I know he is tired. I have given it vitamins (which he doesnt take) good food (which he gobbles up) and time - six months. And if anything it is getting worse. I stopped dropping hints three months ago and brought the subject up....... still nothing.

Now he blames the fact that he was in prison and cant make a move on me - I have to jump on him apparently.

Well I have never jumped on a man, I have never needed to. They want you, you give out "come and get it" or "leave me alone" signals and thats it. I have also been into BDSM for a long time (not exclusively) and I always like to sub/bottom. He isnt into any of that, but used to do a good spanking if I made enough noise about it. Now, nothing.

I dont fancy him physically, but fell in love with him emotionally. Thought after being in prison all that time, with an open minded person like me he would blossom. And he isnt. If anything, he is getting worse!!!

Adult content approaching.....








It all seemed to change when I started giving him BJ's. Before then he had led the way, being active in touching me and arousing me. Being diabetic erections are not reliable, so oral is fairly important. He used to give me lovely pleasures. Its becoming a distant memory now since I got the hang of exactly how he liked it.

So of course after many months of giving out and feeling incredibly frustrated myself, I gave up.

If he missed it he didnt say. Too tired with his other commitments I guess. I missed it and did say. Still no change.

Stale-mate now.

Total stale -mate.

In the mean-time, having broached the subject with him umpteen times over six months I find I have just had enough of being frustrated. And he is tired. But he spends all his spare time travelling to gigs when he has worked a full week.

Two weeks ago I "gave up" and just left him to fend for himself. I stopped shopping for him, doing his sandwiches, cooking, sorting out his kitchen (we have separate homes - SO I DO THIS ALL IN TWO PLACES). I stopped for five days and he more or less collapsed.

He had to do it for himself.

AND go to work, and do the gigs and music and French lessons he so enjoys (its not my thing Folk Music, but I do enjoy the occasional dip-in to it). He became ill and exhausted more.

I rallied. Went back. Couldnt sleep with him though. Tried it one night (he snores). He offered sex last Sunday afternoon. I really cant go on that now, too formulaic. He had a day off - oooh! time for me!!!! What am I supposed to say? "oh thanks darling, is it time for me now? Are you sure you have enough energy to do this?"

It was: "well, dont forget next time you want it that I offered".

Brilliant. Just really a great turn on...... er, NOT!

Rant! Sorry! Am so bloody cross!

He even had a lovely fantasy about a lady dressed in Victorian clothes including the authentic underwear. His fantasy, not mine, but it was very sexy and I could "go with it". Bought it all for me. I put it on (two weeks ago) and he took photos - bloomers, camisole, full petticoat - the lot) and STILL he didnt make a move on me that evening. Two hours of photographs, posing around, flirting, wine. I was exhausted by the time I threw in the towel and took the corset off. Somewhat defeated. I felt like I had been shot in the head.

At the end of my tether.

Hey, thanks for letting me blow off steam here.

under the cloud-berry:confused::confused::confused:
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
Hey, sorry to hear of your problems. Could it be that he's got a problem with his sex drive? Maybe he doesn't want to admit it. If he says he wants you to make a move, then why not? Some men find that incredibly sexy.

Hope you sort things out.
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
Hey cloudberry I think from all that I hear in this world its more common that people have low sex drives than high ones.That dosent help your sex drive but at least its isnt because of you or that you are unattractive.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi cloudberry I agree with jamesdean. Mens sex drive as they get older can reduce whereas womens sex drive is supposed to increase! Hence why there is a common thought that younger men and older women are usually best matched when it comes to sex drives.

I also wonder about his reasoning....

Now he blames the fact that he was in prison and cant make a move on me - I have to jump on him apparently.
Did something happen to him there that might be causing this?

I remember what you wrote about why he went to prison before, i know that if he had that on his record (even if it is not true) that men are generally not treated very well there with that accusation. Perhaps also the fact that he has that accusation has made him feel very conscious and uncomfortable about sex and perhaps all this is affecting his sex drive adversely.

All of this is bound to have a huge psychological impact on him however I think communication is the key. Given his job before I would have thought he would understand the importance of this, and perhaps how recent history could impact on him psychologically. However like with most professions, we often say what we ought to do to others but rarely apply it to ourselves.

Perhaps you should ask him what he would advise others to do in his situation and start from there.
 
A

ann

Active member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
40
cloudberry - you're worth more!!

really really you are - and I think from the sad description of you relegated to housemaid shows that you know it. - unless you're a woman who really doesn't mind but likes to complain about it! which is fine of course! some women enjoy that role. not convinced you do!!
doesn't sound like you're well matched sexually if you like different things and it sounds like your submissive style is important to you.
or - dodgy territory!! is the submissive bit all linked to being the housemaid? do you feel you have to be the underdog!!
relate can be brilliant - you can go just yourself - or as a couple - sorry this is probably not for you

or maybe the whole submissive/housmaid/uncertain about his desire for you is part of our whole shitty poo low low self esteem

sorry - am a bossy know-all person - hope i've not offended you
much love
ann
 
H

Hatstand

Member
Joined
Aug 24, 2009
Messages
15
Location
England
Hey Cloudberry,

I have been with my husband for 15 years married for 3. The last time we had sex was on our honeymoon before that it was 3 years. I am a lady with a high sex drive too and it is so difficult and you can feel so rejected and your self esteem disappears. My husband suffers with depression and he just doesn't have a sex drive at all. It has been a struggle for me to try and make him see that he needs help (we need help). He believes he can sort it out on his own (but he can't or doesn't want to).
I love him so and I know he loves me. That closeness,the feeling of desire is just not important to him.
I believe he needs to want to get help until then my hands are tied and my head is set to explode. I can't seem to give up on him.

Why can't relationships be like they are in the movies? ;)

Good luck sugarplum
You rant away. We are here for you.
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
~Thanks, sorry I have been away

Thanks to all who replied to my thread.

I have just curled up in denial / try to cope and shelved it.

Yes, he did have to go on "conditioning courses for sex offenders" in prison, and this has more or less mentally castrated him. He does talk about it, but I dont know what to do to help. I used to try, but now I have given up.

I have re-met an old friend online and we are flirting a lot. I know its wrong, but it makes me feel good. I always did fancy him, but havnt seen him for over 15 years. He is single.

As from Wednesday he will be fostering my Siamese cat so i can move my Bloo girl back into my flat. So I will have to have contact with him. It scares and thrills me. I have erotic dreams about him.

John went mad when he knew I was flirting online. But I told him I would stop, and I did. But now with this fostering thing its all happening again. Yesterday I sent him some erotic pics of me, he had been asking for ages.

Last night I asked John to make love to me, he fell asleep on me during foreplay. I feel ugly, undesirable and unwanted. I could just cry.

He fell asleep on me back in the summer too. Its really demoralising.

I'm pretty depressed at the moment, Christmas often does depress me. I woke up crying on Saturday morning. Havnt done that for a while. I just feel so neglected and invisible.

I know I base too much of my self-esteem on being sexually desireable. But at 46 this is hard to change.

Thanks for listening.

I got asddicted to Farmville and Cafe World on Facebook, so spend far too much time in escapism recently! LOL

fondness to all

cloudberry
 
J

JETBOY

Guest
Hey cloudberry

hey there i cant really say much here but i would just like to say i admire
your frankness ,and the way youve expressed your feelings here is very open
and could be very useful to anyone in a simalar situation ,,,hope you find
a solution to this problem ,best wishes ,,,JETBOY
 
T

telemetry9

Guest
love making on hold

Hello there,

I just wanted to say that I was in a relationship with someone for 8 years and for 7 years of that relationship there was no real interest on his part. I can relate to a lot of what you have written.

Slowly; my confidence and self esteem really began to die. I lost a lot of belief in myself and even today - I avoid relationships or contact because of the sense of rejection from that time. I truly loved this person with all my heart. Right up until the last year I still wanted him and my desire for him never diminished. There are no words to describe the sense of loss and despair of loving someone who no longer has an interest in you. I couldn't understand it and that lack of knowledge kept me coming back to frustrate and hurt myself.

The strange thing is - we are now great friends. I learned to understand that he was damaged in that sense through events that happened in his childhood. I learned that people who have been sexually abused find it difficult to make love as they can't equate love with making love and can only view it as an impersonal act. In this sense - he never loved me in that sexually spiritual way. He did love me for who I was but that was it. It was pretty devastating to realize this but it helped me moved beyond the hurt. Although my confidence is still very low in that respect and to be honest - it never was very high. I am the kind of person who is passionate and caring and loving and have never succeeded in finding someone who felt the same way about me. I am now single and celibate and have been for 4 years.

I can relate to a lot of what you have written and your sense of frustration and rejection. I would say to you to not underestimate the emotional damage that sexual dysfunctioning can have on you - if you are fully engaged with your partner and love them in every aspect of being then you are vulnerable. It is often difficult for the other party to understand just how much damage their lack of interest and care in this respect can do. I would advise anyone to act now and make lines in the sand. Don't destroy your belief and confidence in yourself - you deserve much more than that. I really admire your efforts in trying to motivate his sexuality.

As a strange diversion - I realized at some point that my ex partner was interested in sex. But it was the unattainable and remote kind - the kind I could never give him. The true and honest love I had for him was the very thing that made him reject me time and time again. If I had been a stranger or someone unattainable and already attached then that would be emotionally safer for him and something he would have been interested in. I learned that quite early on and it was pretty devastating but I understand who the true culprit is. The person and people who abused him in his childhood and who took away his innocence and chance for a normal and healthy relationship with someone.

So please protect yourself. There are many healthy people out there who will give you the love you deserve to have. Love is a human right after all. I hope you find the understanding you need in order for you to move on and forgive him.

best wishes
robert.
 
A

Ainsworth

Guest
nothing to add apart from :hug: cloudberry

and Robert that was a lovely post of understanding and the thoughts surrounding it all :hug:
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Flirting online - whoops!

I was found out, and it worked oddly enough. He got down to business and finally realised that I had needs. No real harm done. But I do feel like a total shit to have to have got into this situation.

He takes the blame. he knows his actions - or lack of, eventually led me to this place. Made me vulnerable to an old friend online who paid me the attention he didnt pay me for so long.

We will see if it works. At the moment it is great! Attention! I have got it! He is addressing my sexual needs and being most creative and not keeping me out of things and in the dark, shoved away.

He emailed the other man and told him to back off, woke me up with a threat and a promise, carried it out.


I dont want to be vulgar or explicit, but he woke me up in a "gentlemanly fashion" as I would put it. About time too! I am always doing the "lady thing" for him!!!

I dont know if it will last and he will get utterley compacent again with me. But at least I know where to go if he does and I just cant handle it anymore.

If I get too sexually frustrated, I start to get even more cranky than I need to be.Its been a "must do" in my life.

I dont like being the Ferrari on the drive that never gets driven.

Whoo-hoo. Rant over.

Men..... my sex drive is more like a mans I have been told. Please join into this chat line if it will help vent your.... er, spleen.

cloudberry
 
H

Hatstand

Member
Joined
Aug 24, 2009
Messages
15
Location
England
Wow Cloudberry! You are open and honest. I admire that.

I've tried so very hard over the years to try and explain how important sex is to me. The feeling, the closeness etc is so very special.
Before we got married we were having relationship problems then we resolved them (so we thought). We decided to get married. He discuss the possiblity of having children. We decided we would try. He told the whole world that we going to try to have children (parents, family members and work colleagues). I was so happy but nothing ever happened. No sex. I confronted him again....he said he had changed his mind, he didn't want children anymore. I hurt inside so badly. I told him that I'm scared that I will resent him in the future etc. He just says sorry. 4 years on and I'll be 38 this year, still no sex. I feel I'm too old for children now and it's killing me inside.

Last year, I flirted with this guy on a social network site. He gave me attention I had missed for years. I got really close to him. We had alot in common. We seemed to help each other. Stupidly, I felt like I was falling for him. Anyway,things happened and we are no longer in contact. I miss him.

I am now getting attention from someone else and it excites me but I've haven't done anything about it. I'm panicking, feel anxious, sick and my chest hurts. I hate myself, I feel dirty. Can sex be that important to me? I need my friend back. He was the only one I could talk to.
I was cooking and singing away in the kitchen the other night. Making the sounds as if I was happy but I was crying and thinking about jumping out of the window into the busy road 2 floors below. It was so hard to stop myself.

There ya go...I vented!
:scared::cry:
 

Similar threads

Top