No relief in sight

D

Demi0510

New member
Joined
May 13, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Usa
#1
I need some honest feedback. This is long.

My husband and I have been together for 19 years, since we were 15. We went to college together, earned the same degrees in business. I went nonprofit, he went into sales, we got married. After 2 kids I quit to stay home full time because his bonuses were more than my annual salary and daycare wasn't worth it financially. So I have not worked since 2012. We now have 4 kids under 7.

Since I was a child, and continuing into adulthood, I have an immune deficiency which causes me to catch basically every germ I'm exposed to. My sophomore year of high school for example, I missed 35 days of school. After a couple of my pregnancies I actually was healthier (labs showed no deficiency and doctors paraded me to their students as the miracle of childbirth lol). However my last pregnancy in 2018, my levels dipped very low and I have been sick at least 2 weeks out of every month for almost 2 years now. I am on a daily preventative antibiotic and they're talking infusions of immunoglobulin to help me further.

So along with that- before we went to college, I told my husband I needed to move to somewhere I could be healthy. Indiana has crazy weather swings which give me bronchitis at least 4 times a year, we're inside 6 months of the year ie germ fest, and the deep freezes trigger my asthma terribly, which ultimately leads to infection. My husband has promised me since we were 18 years old that we would move when the time is right. Young innocence, eh?

We stayed in state for college because it was cheaper. We got jobs near our hometown for the family support while raising kids. Now he makes 6 figures which he'd "never be able to find elsewhere." Most recently, he has been discussing taking over the leadership of his office. This position requires a 5 year service commitment.

My husband has never asked me for anything. He goes along with whatever I think is best. He is an equal partner with the kids and house. He is an honest, loyal, hardworking man. He wants to do this job. But I am nauseous and can't stop crying while thinking of being stuck here for 5+ more years.

Of course, there's no guarantee we'd leave within 5 years even if he didn't take this job. It's been almost 2 decades and surprise, no change. I feel so stuck. I am sick every day (cough, sore throat, fevers, green gunk, you name it. I have way fewer healthy days than not). I also deal with chronic pain stemming from back surgery I had at 21 (I walked the edge of the painkiller road before kids, and once I had my oldest, I've refused anything stronger than aleve).

I have no job history. I don't think I could work (illness and pain) even if I wanted to. So I am entirely dependent on my husband. But he and I, we obviously do not share the same vision for our family's future. I cannot talk to him- he either shuts down, or gets angry that I'm being unrealistic, or he listens and then uses my feelings against me as points of weakness later on. We went to dinner for our anniversary last week and it was so awkward- nothing to talk about, nothing in common, so much silence. I have no interests of my own. I can't even name anything I enjoy other than being outside on a sunny day. I feel like I've lost myself and there's no way back. I feel entirely jailed in this position I've put myself in.

I wrote apology letters to my kids last night. The beginning of goodbye letters for if I were to die. I won't kill myself, I couldn't do that to them. But I can't imagine living this way forever. From the outside we have a perfect life. But on the inside, I'm drowning. I'm so tired of being sick and tired and in pain. I want to live somewhere I can be healthy. I want to feel true joy in something.

All of that seems so selfish though. How can I deny my husband the only thing he's ever asked me for? How can I expect him to abide by a naive childhood whim? Does he feel joy in what he does? His stressful 60+ hours a week at work aren't exactly what he envisioned for his life 20 years ago either I'm sure.

Neither of us is the person we were back then. He has grown, overcome his challenges, and become a more successful and talented person. I however have been stuck doing the same mundane household tasks, day in and day out, for years, when I'm not stuck in bed praying to be healed. I've volunteered at schools, gotten involved at church, joined play groups, but none of that is me. I have no time or energy left for myself with 4 young kids. I know that this is a stage of life, and I sound ungrateful for the opportunity to stay home with them. But I had such bigger dreams for my life! And then illness, pain, and the reality of children stole my happiness.

Where do I go from here? How do I take care of myself without forsaking the family that I created? Is this the true meaning of motherhood- sacrificing one's own health and happiness for 20+ years? My family deserves so much more than I can willingly give them. I honestly believe they would be better off without me. They need someone to love their antics, to rejoice in the spontaneous, to excitedly join in on their adventures. But me, I am just... sick all the time. Overwhelmed by pain. Constantly asking them to be quiet, shut the door, give mommy space. They deserve better than what I'm able to give them. But I don't know how to heal myself without pushing everyone away.

I feel like a horrible person even asking for consideration when I do nothing to contribute to our family or our marriage. I am forever buried in this grave I dug for myself, a victim of insurmountable life circumstance. I wish there was a way to rewind the clock and never bother with any of it.
 
O

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
777
#2
My thoughts given the information provided are that your health has possibly deteriorated a lot, but for some reason it appears to be going unnoticed...
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
5,555
Location
Tigger and Willow's house
#3
My take on all of this is your health is more important than money. If you and your husband moved to somewhere where you could get a bit better in, could he commute to his workplace?
 

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