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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

No need for friendschips/ hard time making friends

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reagel

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Oct 2, 2020
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I've been out of therapy for about 4 years. Managing well with school and work.
But I am unable to keep/form real friendships.
I have a boyfriend that I've been with for 6 years and surprisingly, it is going great!
But friends?
I don't really feel the need and it's weirding people out. I have one 'real friend' I text with almost every day. But other than that I don't want any more friendships. I pretty much never hang out with people besides family/boyfriend. And when I do try to search for new friends (because I feel like I am a weirdo for avoiding social contact), I find everyone quite boring. I can't seem to connect with people.

My current theory of the issue is that I am too afraid to experience the triggers leading to emotional rollercoaster that I used to have with friendships, but I really could not say for sure.

Can anyone relate?
 
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Nukelavee

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My issue with making new friends is it's far too easy for me to do.

there's nothing inherently wrong with having a small social circle, if that is all you want. I have a lot of friends, but, at the same time, I happy by myself most of the time.

You may be right about why you avoid friendships, to avoid triggers. I avoid having a GF, because I don't want to deal with those triggers.
 
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reagel

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My issue with making new friends is it's far too easy for me to do.

there's nothing inherently wrong with having a small social circle, if that is all you want. I have a lot of friends, but, at the same time, I happy by myself most of the time.

You may be right about why you avoid friendships, to avoid triggers. I avoid having a GF, because I don't want to deal with those triggers.

You're right, a small circle is indeed okay. Sometimes it just feels like I'm faking the 'managing borderline personality' aspect, as I feel like I'm just avoiding friends, avoiding going out or having a 'adventurous, spontaneous life'. Like I'm just suppressing it all just to cope.

Is it okay to just have your mother and boyfriend to really talk to? I don't know, but I am managing this way.

Just wondering, do you feel any triggers with friendships or interaction with them? Just because your circle is so big. It's okay if you don't want to answer:)
 
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Dispatch

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I’ve found that I spend so much time in my own head (working things out) that I hold friendships at an arms length. With friendships comes invitations which triggers my anticipatory anxiety. If I can get past the initial anxiety and do end up going to the event, I usually have a good time.
So, for me, I’ll make more acquaintances than friends these days. Friendships are a lot of work tbh
 
R

reagel

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I’ve found that I spend so much time in my own head (working things out) that I hold friendships at an arms length. With friendships comes invitations which triggers my anticipatory anxiety. If I can get past the initial anxiety and do end up going to the event, I usually have a good time.
So, for me, I’ll make more acquaintances than friends these days. Friendships are a lot of work tbh
Yeah it feels like so much work! It just seems to be so easy for people, like they are filling a need ( in terms of, I'm hungry so I'm gonna eat -> I miss social contact so I'm gonna socialize) For me it just seems more like work than anything else.
 
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Nukelavee

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Just wondering, do you feel any triggers with friendships or interaction with them? Just because your circle is so big. It's okay if you don't want to answer
Sometimes. There are times when, like Dispatch said, I'm anxious before getting together, but fine during. Although I often hit a solid wall where I'm done being social. Hearing from some can be triggering, because of the context.

for me, a weird trigger I need to be careful of when a friend asks for help or support because somebody is treating them badly - I get angry for them, and it's hard not to focus on their issues to my own harm.

I can get triggered by certain female friends, into over analyzing mode. People, especially women, who go over the top in being super nice to me early in a friendship stress me out.

Like, I'm friends with my neighbour, who is also a very attractive single woman. She started the friendship out of the blue, which made me nervous. Her showing up for a visit in her pajamas weirds me out a bit, because that seems like it should count as flirting, but I'm sure isn't.
You're right, a small circle is indeed okay. Sometimes it just feels like I'm faking the 'managing borderline personality' aspect, as I feel like I'm just avoiding friends, avoiding going out or having a 'adventurous, spontaneous life'. Like I'm just suppressing it all just to cope.
some people like having a small comfy life. Nothing wrong with that. so far as faking or supressing - it's no different than the way I avoid intimate/romantic relationships.

Honestly, I'm not sure about whether I am really managing that aspect, or just hiding from triggers.

I think the main thing is you know where your safety/comfort zone is. You can always pull back to this to regroup. If you want to add a few friends, you can, but you know you can be happy as things are, too.

Be open to new people, but don't feel you have to be a social butterfly to really be managing.

I hope I made sense.
 
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Dispatch

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If I could find friends that wouldn’t expect anything out of me that would be great, but ... with friends come birthday parties, weddings, they want you to meet this person or that person and try to “fix you up” ... you get the idea ... for US ... it’s a LOT of work ... in my case it’s exhausting
 
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Dispatch

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... I should add, because of the invitations, and then I don’t go, then there’s the guilt, then sadness ... so yeah, exhausting to me. Am I too cynical ? lol
 
R

reagel

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I think the main thing is you know where your safety/comfort zone is. You can always pull back to this to regroup. If you want to add a few friends, you can, but you know you can be happy as things are, too.

Be open to new people, but don't feel you have to be a social butterfly to really be managing.

I hope I made sense.
Thanks for that! That actually made more sense then most of the advice I get, which basically is ''you're just too anti-social!' 😅
 
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reagel

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... I should add, because of the invitations, and then I don’t go, then there’s the guilt, then sadness ... so yeah, exhausting to me. Am I too cynical ? lol
Hah no, you are exactly spot on. But then again, maybe I am also too cynical ><
Let's just call it realistic :')
 
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bpd2020

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Hello reagel. Welcome to the forum. I have my partner and one friend too. I have not managed to find any other friends and for me my partner and friend are enough. I do not think not having more friends means you are not managing your bpd. You are in a happy relationship which is a huge achievement and shows you must have worked hard.
 
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reagel

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Location
netherlands
Hello reagel. Welcome to the forum. I have my partner and one friend too. I have not managed to find any other friends and for me my partner and friend are enough. I do not think not having more friends means you are not managing your bpd. You are in a happy relationship which is a huge achievement and shows you must have worked hard.
Hi bpd2020, thanks for sharing this with me. During this forum conversation I've figured out that my actual question was: am I fake managing my Illness?
But knowing that I'm not the only one and seeing that it's something that we all handle in different ways has been very helpful!
 
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