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No matter what I do, if something goes wrong I always get overwhelmed with negativity, leading to dark thoughts. How do I stop this?

J

JSB

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Does anyone else feel fine, then after something happens (which may be small) you feel like grim death again?

I am sick of it. I have been feeling better, mostly, for the past month or so, but every now and then there's a lull. I had one last night and now I am so down. I feel so anxious whenever I do something and if I get a non-positive response from something or someone I cave in. Those horrid thoughts come back and make everything a misery. I feel useless. I think I am useless. I have no motivation, other than to lounge, overthink and feel like crying.

I fantasise about dying, but not through suicide, when I feel like this. I can't do that, the thought makes me shudder and I know I'd be depriving my loved ones of myself. Instead, I fantasise about being murdered, because I get to die, I am not the one responsible for it and I think I enjoy the humiliation of it since I have such low opinions of myself during these times. Through asphyxiation, usually, and always by the opposite sex for some reason. Also, I fantasise about being shrunk, eaten and then digested by the opposite sex. I apologise if this freaks people out, but it's how I feel.

I know this is weird and warped, but it's the only way I can feel some form of contentedness when I am like this. I feel like I am worthless and a failure, that no-one really likes me, so it's escapism. It feels like the ultimate meditation to me, as my life and the worries in it become meaningless and I lose my life. The pain doesn't bother me; in fact I like thinking of being in horrible pain because of the actions of the other person. I like thinking of the thoughts going through their head as they kill me, knowing their actions are causing me pain and the thoughts when I do die. I like thinking of them experiencing sparks of adrenaline when they realise I am dead and they caused it. I realise it's screwed up, but I think my brain escapes this constant barrage of information it gives myself through manifesting the self-loathing I feel onto others. Like I deserve to be treated like that, so someone doing so is pleasing to me.

I fantasise about my friends doing this. I have a female housemate who I get on well with, who's not in the same house as me right now due to being elsewhere since the coronavirus lockdown, and I like to imagine her killing me when she gets back. Every now and then I feel like caving in and exposing my secrets, but I don't and don't want to, because I realise that this is a lot and I don't want to ruin friendships through making others uncomfortable. I trust my close friends, they wouldn't share such sensitive information, but I don't want to impact it on a personal level.

However, it's eating me up inside and I am scared to divulge. I have CBT coming up soon, and I keep telling myself I should tell them about this when it occurs. I still feel shame and worry that they would judge me for this. I realise it's not normal, I realise it would freak many out, so I bottle it up. The sadness eats me up inside. The worst thing is that I feel like I would actually like being murdered in this scenario. It's the feelings of uselessness and self-loathing which get me feeling so bad and then I think about this as a result, and it makes me feel happy. I imagine looking into the eyes of my would-be killer and feeling thankful that they're putting me out of this misery and treating me like the sack of dirt I feel like I am.

I must stress that this is only when I am feeling bad. For the most part I have been ok recently, and coping with my anxieties when I am in a good mood is getting easier on the whole. The issue is when something does happen that triggers my anxieties. If something goes wrong, sometimes small, that confirms my anxieties I get overwhelmed by emotions and thoughts saying that I should have known my anxiety was right and attacking myself for decisions made. This overwhelms me and I am down in the doldrums.

Like I say, I want this feeling of sadness to end, and the only ways which would please me is if someone does kill me or if I can get myself to stop thinking like this in times of sorrow. I realise the former would upset those close to me, so it is not really preferable. However, to combat this I keep thinking I need to be honest with myself and others when I seek therapy, and I worry that I am not confident enough to speak to others, including therapists, about this. I fear that they'd judge me and I would be embarrassed about these strange thoughts.
 
F

FlowerBox

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Hello..I also used to want and think about being murdered when I was in a really low point in life.. personally I imagine that this is not as uncommon as it seems like it is, I imagine there are many people who are also embarrassed and hesitant to talk about it. I wasn't in any sort of treatment then but I probably wouldn't have talked about it if I was. To be honest I haven't really stopped thinking about it but it's not because I want to die, I don't want to yet but I just have this fixation that I will die by being murdered

I really understand feeling embarrassed to talk about certain things, I was seeing a therapist but now with lockdown I haven't been able to make an appointment, and now I am regretting not being more open and honest with the therapist. It is still scary I know..but it's their job to try their best to help without having an emotional reaction because they don't know you in the same way that friends and family do, if that makes sense..I'd say just by you typing it out here and being honest with yourself about it and seeking anonymous support is a start, I don't see this as bottling it up anymore..let it spill so you can analyze the pattern of it... 🙏
 
J

JSB

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Thank-you for your response.

It probably isn't uncommon, you're right. Many feel down and have thoughts about it being better off for them not to exist.

I don't want to die really. When I am content, which is most of the time, these thoughts aren't prominent. However, when I am down my thoughts spiral and they come to the head and it feels like I want it to happen. And, being honest, when I am that down I would like it if it did.

Thank-you. That's why I opened up here, because I wanted to air it out so that I could process it. However, I don't want to keep posting the same thing on here and boring them, so if I am still feeling like this I would like to talk it out with a therapist. However, the abnormal nature of it would make many people wary of me, I feel. Abnormality like this can freak people out. I realise a therapist is trained to deal with this, and would probably feel sympathy for me, because they know about mental health's symptoms and problems. Still, I feel shame for this, because my family and friends wouldn't want me dead, and would be hurt by the thought that I can think like this.

Anyway, thanks for detailing that. It does help me process my thoughts.
 
F

FlowerBox

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Definitely make sure you have a therapist who's a good fit..and while it may be abnormal, try to remind yourself you shouldn't feel shame for thinking like this, there's a reason these thoughts manifest..you just have to figure out why and where they come from 🙏
 
B

Black Despondency

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I have also been doing pretty well overall compared to the rest of my life, but sometimes my mood spikes down to rock bottom. I think it's usually triggered by a buildup of stress and then some small stressors makes me psychologically snap. I'm usually blinded by suicidal urges for a minute or two then my mood lifts a bit and I have to avoid going down the rabbit hole of despair. When I'm feeling actually suicidal I would look at someone killing me as a personal favor. The only reason I'm not dead or have a larger list of suicide attempts is because I'm afraid of living and be worse off than I already am. Trying to distract my self from negative thoughts hobbies, whether listening to a podcast, watching something for entertainment or anything you like to do could help you recover. Avoid anything over stimulati or negative. Try to be mindful and stop the downward thought spiral before it gets worse.
 
J

JSB

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Thank-you. I try to distract myself, but the thoughts are sometimes too strong for me to ignore.

I am glad you are better than you were. I hope this keeps up.
 
J

JSB

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Had my first CBT session today conducted by telephone due to the coronavirus. It went well, and I have my next one in two weeks.

I managed to summon the courage to speak about my dark thoughts. I feel weird for doing so. I realise it's probably for the best so that they can be dealt with by myself and in future sessions, but I still feel strange for opening up about something abnormal to another person. I've done the right thing, haven't I?
 
M

Manda

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I think we go to this forum when we got the lowest we think we can feel.
For me, I feel insane, and by the spirits how I adore and own that word, the 23 to 28th of each month are when I am haunted by death.
Wanting someone else to take responsibility is so understandable, and not just about the end of your life. I don't feel, a lot of the time, as if I know how to take responsibility to keep myself alive. Most of the time you do want to exist. Fantasizing about handing that responsibility over to someone else must feel irresistible, but if you are fantasizing about giving them control over your death, are you not also giving them the control over whether you stay alive? If your death has to be someone else's decision, I would hope that staying alive is your's.
Some of what you're describing sounds like BDSM, is some of what you're feeling sexual? If it is, or maybe, then what you're doing is fantasizing about something you could try in a safe situation.
I woke up this morning, for no reason, feeling like shit, yesterday was bearable, today isn't. I haven't been on this forum for well over 6 months.
Have you any secrets no one else has? I'm trying to think of everything that makes me unfit to be with and around other people. I genuinely believe that unless you are unique, and I am not putting you down, you probably have nothing in either your thoughts or behaviour that hasn't been thought of done before. What makes me feel strange and disgusting and weird is how MH is focussed on the media. "Depressed", "anxious" "bi polar" "personality disorder" , lovely easy descriptions with no explanation of how it feels.
 
M

Manda

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And talking is the bestest and bravest thing you can do.
I admire you x
 

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