- Nov 17, 2008
I sort of just want input from people who have dealt with narcissists or are one...about 6 months or so ago my life was falling apart, I was failing out of college, I wasn't as enthused about work...and so it was like for the first time in my perfect little life that I was suddenly not so perfect...so I searched online and looked upon my solid stack of used psychology books, I felt that maybe somehow, something was wrong with me. Just by the solemn stares from some of my coworkers because of my (upon looking back) strange behavior made me second guess the grand scheme of things..and came to the well thought out conclusion that I probably had NPD...I actually liked the self diagnosis, my life was falling apart cause I just had too big of dreams, and that I was a bit too arrogant (okay I skewed the definition a bit, but I liked the idea of it, and it made my problems suddenly not my fault, and suddenly not my problem anymore)...Also, I must say, I have the psych experience to back my diagnosis, I am going to school for nursing, but am only a few credits away from a psych degree, and all my psych classes I passed with top marks and even the very best marks in the whole class for a few of them, top student, so I do know what I am talking about...But the one thing that bothered me when I looked for answers about NPD is that they rarely had help for the grandiose but more often than not help for the victims of abuse by the narcissists....okay, I get that some people have been through hell, but what about me? Right now I am at a great place in my life, I am in management at my work, given gifts and love, and at my school I am a little star..but often I get too confident and don’t study enough for tests because I think I know it all, or I won’t show up to class cause I start writing a book, and at times I don’t even feel in control. I am impatient and get annoyed easy I’m explosive and vain..So what about me? Am I expected to suffer in silence cause you know that’s not going to happen..I will take it out on everyone around me..And why shouldn't I? And what about the fact that I am brilliant, my IQ's 142, I have the right to get annoyed when people are incompetent, I have the right to get pissed at people..Don’t I? It's strange, people tell me one of two things, either that I’m am very warm and caring or that I am extremely cold and detached...I used to think I had empathy cause I would pretend to care, I would hug someone after a funeral and tell them I felt so sorry, but I soon realize that was just good intentions and an act, and often I had to try and keep myself from laughing cause of the awkwardness of it all...I really didn't care if their loved one died or if they were sick or suffered....how must you think I feel living with that? Without the capacity to care? Honestly it sucks because I have to put on this big act all the time when all I really want to do is to tell them to shut up and stop whining! It is difficult, and I keep it in cause of social norms, I am forced to conform...what about me? What about what I want and need? It stresses me out sooo much to pretend to care..lately life has been going great, my work has promoted me, and I can’t help but wonder if I am really a narcissist now, it was my self-diagnosis, and an accurate one I believe, but the one thing that bothers me is that I’ve heard over and over again that where there is a narcissist there will be victims...I don’t think I have any victims, I tell people like it is but that’s that...I’ve gotten better at controlling my anger at people and hatred towards them...I usually have good intentions I just usually think I know what’s best...and usually I’m right, but people often don’t like things shoved upon them, and I have this awful habit of forcing people to do things cause I feel I am in the right....if you go into Narcissistic supply, I have an abundance of it at my work, I am the most loved and cherished wonderful manager, everyone says so, and maybe that’s why I have no victims, I don’t have a lack of NS...I go to work and people worship me, yesterday this coworker bought me earrings cause she thought I was so great and deserved them, I can’t stop people from giving to me, and don’t want to anyways...the only problem is that I am very addicted to my work and at home I don’t want to see anyone and become a zombie cause nothing can compare the high I feel at work, I am their star and they know that without me it would all go to hell, I am told this....my scores are the greatest I have awards and am sent to special events cause I am the best they have...they like to show me off, their shining star....idk...I honestly don't feel arrogant as much as I just feel I am at a different level, I feel my ideas are better and I think quicker and am more creative, work faster and am more competent...as a human though, I don’t feel better than, I don't give as much as I should or feel the need to, and I do realize that, but if you had me and the kindest person in the world in a competition together , Id kick their ass at whatever we were competing at, that’s just a fact. I just want some responses, these are just some thoughts going through my head...I am actually sort of depressed today, sleep deprived, hungry and out of money...I just need something to stimulate me, make me soul search or something, figure myself out...what about me...