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No future in sight

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AwolNatas

Member
Joined
Dec 3, 2019
Messages
5
Location
U.K, Northwest
Well, if you're interested, I'm about to write a little bit about my circumstance, to give clarity into why I am feeling the way I do. I'd like to note here before it all begins that I have had CBT (cognative behavioural therapists) counselling and been on such a wide array of medication that I couldn't even begin to remember the names of them. All I know is that I have a wierd brain and none of the three types of medication work (each anti-depressant affects a certain part of the brain, they split it into three parts, or so my GP told me anyway). Neither of these methods work, and without a job, I can't even dream of affording a counsellor at the moment, no matter how cheap some may be.

I'll start as my first "negative" memory.

I was 6, I lived with my mother, father and sister. Our life wasn't a plentiful one, but we had clothes, food, a warm bed and love. Our community was a welcoming one, kids were often in other houses and it was a heavily family orientated community. One day, my dad is across the road at one of the neighbours, my mother asked me to fetch him as tea/dinner was ready. little me had no qualms and I rushed over to get my dad. After searching the house, I found my dad in bed with the lady across the road, I ran back to my mum and yelled "mummy, mummy, Daddys blowing up kelly's baloons" (I needed to mention that, because looking back it's somewhat humurous). My mum went into a fit of rage, and naturally this marked the seperation of my mum and dad. I moved out with my father, whilst my sister stayed with my mother, I've always held some inclination that it was my fault that my parents seperated, though, now I have a little more wisdom, I'm pretty sure I just discovered the betrayal which was bound to be uncovered eventually anyway.

Then after a year or two with my dad, he couldn't cope with me. I was an energetic child with anger problems even at a young age. He literally said "I don't want you" phoned my mother and she arranged to travel over 200 miles that very night to come and grab me. My mother never really "got along" with me, she had PND with me and never really treated me the same as my sister, so I was always distant with her. So growing up I only had my sister, when she started making friends I was pretty much alone until I went into high school, my anger problems were at it's worst then, no doubt because of puberty, either way I went through changes, and was quite the unpopular kid, which led to me being bullied, harrased and beaten up quite often, I cant remember a day where I didn't have marks or bruises from a scrap that I'd been in.

Then when it came to GCSE's my grandad passed a way, who, was a mentor to me, he understood me and my emotions and did everything to help me without being "soft" on me. He tried helping me control my anger, and gave me help when it came to education. I was distraught, it was the first death I had to come to terms with, and with my anger management, it only went one way. Anyone that would so much as look at me funny would be attacked, both verbally and even sometimes physically. I was expelled from school (and rightfully so) therefor I did not get any grades, which made any future careers bleak at best. However I tried making the most of what I had, I was able to bag a job at the local pet store, where I met a lad who actually lived across my street, we had a natter and later on that day we started hanging out, me, him (Jonny) and his neighbour (Phil). We were a tripod, we was always together, having fun and enjoying the life we had been given.

Then two years later, Jonny passed away from SADS (sudden arrythmic death syndrome), right before my eyes. We was watching iron man, Jonny was doing some weight training, then he just fell, starting shaking wildly, then he was gone. Even typing these words I get flashbacks of it, and it's frightening. Death once again hit me hard. The tripod we once used to be collapsed, with one leg gone the other two cant stand, me and Phil grew distant, only now sending each other the occasional happy birthday wishes. I was alone, without friends, dealing with my freinds death with no-one to confide in. Though, this time, I didn't use anger, I withdrew myself from the world, I didn't speak to my own mum for 6 months at this time. I had no contact with anyone.

As I started to re-introduce myself into society, relationships seemed to come and go, jobs were getting harder to hold onto, and further more, harder to obtain. Though I somehow found myself in a somewhat stable relationship, after a year together we had a child together, which, to this day, is the highlight of my life. I remember holding him for the first time, he was swaddled in a blanket, only one of his eyes was able to open, he was calm and quiet as I held him. He just stared up at me, it was serene, even as my joyous tears fell on his face, he didn't even wince, it was a magical moment, and just a few days later, I was hired as a supervisor at a call centre. I had much hope for my little boys future, and, for my own.

Though, fate once again reared it's ugly head. A year later the company I worked for went bust, I was forced to take on a self-employed door-to-door sales job, which was alot of work for mediocre pay. I'd start work at 7/8am and wouldn't stop until it was around 10pm, and at this point I was shattered and went straight to bed. This was seven days a week, no holiday, just work. My relationship naturally started to degrade with my partner at the time, and eventually we split up. With the house being in her name, and me only wanting security for my son, she kept him under her care, I left all my possesion there too as I did not want my boy to be without. With no home to work from, I was forced to let my job go, I had no money and wound up homeless on the streets of leeds.

I remained in leeds for a few months, it was difficult every day was a battle to survive, if you was lucky you'd get enough money to buy some bread which you'd share with others who found themselves in the same situation. If you wasn't lucky, you'd be looking through bins to find your next meal, it wasn't pleasant. Then an ex of mine happened upon me, we did not exchange words, but she did contact my family, and before I knew it, My Aunt was searching the streets of leeds for me, and as she found me she took me in under her wing. A lady like no other, she'd do anything to keep her family safe. She gave me a roof as I started to try and piece together back my life. As she lived in a small house I moved out and into my dads once again. I had no job, but was claiming ESA due to the depression which seemed to have lingered with me since school, I was able to see my boy again and see him regularly, my life was being put together slowly but surely.

Then my sons mother found a boyfriend, decided it would be confusing to have two male figures and visits from my son was stopped. My father moved out into his new partners, and I was left to fend for myself. Because my father left circumstances were changed and I was witheld ESA. I got a job at the local pub as a bingo caller which netted me 15 a week, which I'd spend on some smart price bread, cat food and gas to keep the house warm, in the meantime rent debts were amassing as others were too. I started to become annorexic, yet I'm glad that my cat was well fed and happy. Then my dad took the cat, I think more for my sake then the cats, and my only companion was gone. Dark times fell, bailiffs came and took most of my possesions that I'd struggeled to accumalate, and everything fell apart.

That week I bought no bread, no gas, nothing... just some pills. I went home got myself a glass of water, sat on the floor and was ready to end it all. Then as the pills neared my mouth, my phone lit up, it was almost movie like with the timing, a young lady had messaged me from my past, it simply said "Hi, how are you, it's been a while". For some reason, I picked up my phone and was so glad to have someone to talk to, someone who wanted to talk to me. We got talking and my circumstances were revealed to her, so she invited me over for a good nights sleep, when I got there she prepared me a meal that would astonish the most well fed individual, let alone a half-starved man, followed by a velvet cake, and even to this day, velvet cake is my favourite food, because little did this lady know, she had saved my life with her compassion, kindness and cake.

One thing led to another, and we got together, even now, five years down the line she is by my side. Though, truth be told, she is all I have. The rest of my life is pathetic, I still have no job, this past year I've received two replies to my applications, both were refusals all the other businesses never even sent a reply. I still have no friends, and I feel nothing, other than my love for my partner and the fear that this world has given me. The daily routine is the same, I wake up, I check my emails, I apply for jobs, then I play on games for the rest of the day, don't misunderstand however, I don't play games for entertainment, I play them as an escape. In games I can be succesful, I can be whoever I want to be, and actually not suck at it. My partners family call me lazy, bone idle, that i need to get a job instead of playing games, when they dont realise I'd give it all up if it mean I could get a job, and have a chance at a normal life.

Then two weeks ago, my aunt passed in her sleep after fighting with cancer. It's the same aunt who came and saved me from the streets of leeds. She was a wonderful lady and the world has lost one of it's best. I note this because it was her funeral today, and I couldn't go. Not that I was disallowed, no, it was because I'm a coward. Because of the lack of communication I've had, little friends, bad experiences and fear... I couldn't even get ready, I was overwhelmed and had a panic attack, I sat there sobbing at how much of a pathetic man I am. My partner tried helping me and I even lashed out at her, telling her to go and to tell them all I'm not there because I'm a pathetic coward.

My partner went, she refused to tell them what I had said, and no doubt she's being pestered and dealing with comments which she shouldn't have to bare, honestly, I would literally not be here without her, even now. But today is the day I realised it's fight or flight. I've had enough and I want this to end one way or another. I'm in desperate need of help, this depression that looms over me has been with me since I was young, and right now, it's winning, I've looked for so many remedies, I've searched high and low for help, yet, nothing. I either get handed over some phone numbers, or websites which normally refer me to different places, and then they want money which I dont have... It's like the world forsakes those who are struggling, and for that we have to rely on each other... please... I'm literally begging, help me.
 
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AwolNatas

Member
Joined
Dec 3, 2019
Messages
5
Location
U.K, Northwest
I apologise for my grammar, spelling or just general errors, my minds not with it, and theres not auto correct to make me look smart
 
S

sadgirl

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2012
Messages
1,255
Location
in my own private hell
Hi awolnatas and welcome to the forum please feel free to look around and post whenever you can.
I'm sorry that things are bad for you at this moment have you tried talking to your gp? He/she will be able to point you in the right direction weather it be medication or counselling this would come as no cost to yourself or even just a phone number to call to arrange a free appointment for someone to talk too
 
A

AwolNatas

Member
Joined
Dec 3, 2019
Messages
5
Location
U.K, Northwest
Hi awolnatas and welcome to the forum please feel free to look around and post whenever you can.
I'm sorry that things are bad for you at this moment have you tried talking to your gp? He/she will be able to point you in the right direction weather it be medication or counselling this would come as no cost to yourself or even just a phone number to call to arrange a free appointment for someone to talk too
Yeah, to be honest my GP is pretty run down, he just seems glad to be getting the next person in. Trying to communicate with him is terrible, and I don't have the confidence to assert myself to him. every time I go in it's a matter of "well let's see how this does".

I can't blame him though, doctors have it hard.
 
S

sadgirl

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2012
Messages
1,255
Location
in my own private hell
Can you write down what you want to say and either read it to him or give it to him it may seem like hes pushed for time but that's his job to be there to listen and give advice please don't be put off keep persevering you deserve to be helped
 
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