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No family support, no one wants to see me do well in life

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strawberrywater

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If you've seen my other posts here, you know I live in a very crappy area, specifically in Pennsylvania. It's the "rust belt" and all the infrastructure is crumbling, buildings are old, people are rude and miserable, but worst of all there's a lack of decent jobs.

I have my Bachelor's in Business but I've only gotten secretary work (I'm also female). I've worked full time as a secretary for 4 years. Before that I did 2 internships in sales and marketing while in university. In between and after college I had a couple part time jobs because that's all that I could get. I'm in my late 20s and I think it's only fair that I get a job that pays decent with benefits.

My mom thinks otherwise - "You should just get any job" - but she doesn't understand that I can't keep taking low level, low pay jobs or else it will be harder to get out of it.

I want to move to another state so I've been actively applying for Executive Assistant and some writing work (I've written freelance articles and novels, not published). Right now I'm doing a pre-entry test for a Copywriter job that pays pretty normal ($40K salary with full benefits) and it's remote. So jobs like that.

My mom laughs and condescends me when I tell her I'm trying to get a job in another state, so I can have a better life. She says "Yeah right, keep dreaming" as if I'm not someone capable of doing that. Years ago I told her of an idea to go visit the places I'd like to live and she condescended me -- and I actually went. She didn't care.

She puts down everywhere that's not here. I said apartments are nicer in bigger cities, and that I'm looking at places that were built within the past few years - brand new apartments. And she said "Those places are made so cheap, they're all dumps. Give me a break. You have no idea what you're talking about".... Yet where we live is infested with bugs, there's black mold in my bedroom from severe water damage that management only painted over, the carpeting is over 30 years old, the bathroom is from the 1950s... But she's an emotionally unavailable mother. I can't talk to her about anything because she gets mad and turns everything on me. She doesn't see that I still live with her and my dad because no job pays enough here for me to be on my own.

"You're just miserable. You need to learn to appreciate the great place you live" WHAT? Infested with bugs? The roads damage our car consistently and we spend all kinds of money on repairs. I can't get a job being paid more than $12 an hour and no health insurance. I'm only a crappy secretary here.

Yet her son, my half brother, is a heavy drug addict and everyone feels sorry for him and helps him and spoils him with money and gifts. But with me? I'm looked at as the lazy, good for nothing, head in the clouds, stupid person in the family who doesn't know anything about life. Everyone makes fun of what I want. All I want is a normal life -- living here is not normal. It's a cycle of poverty and I refuse to live like this forever, or else I just want to die.

I've been trying for years to get out, and when she says stuff like that, I start believing that maybe I'm not worthy of having a better life - maybe I'm doomed to be stuck here, working crap secretary jobs until I'm 75, and being miserable.

Am I being irrational by trying to get better paying work? She thinks 4 years and 2 internships aren't enough to move up. She says "At least 15 and then you MIGHT think about moving". Wtf...I constantly hear of people jumping jobs around the country, why can't I? Many millennials aren't staying in the same place more than a few years anymore. She's not in touch with reality -- like everyone in this city, she still thinks it's 1960s and thinks I should walk into an office and hand them my resume and ask for work.

I'm losing my mind. I feel like I've worked enough to move up at least 1 or 2 short levels. This isn't fair. And if I'm only worthy of secretary work, then I just wanna be done with life. I can't live like this.
 
Avolitionist

Avolitionist

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Sounds like your mom is afraid to lose you.

Of course you can find a better job and move if that’s what you want. :)
 
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celticlass

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I think it would be best for you to quietly move ahead with your plans. You have done well in your education and deserve the rewards that go with such an achievement. Quite possibly your mum is dreading you moving away etc - some of us are like that - but she needs to be up for it to happen or she is letting you down. One of my sons used to really play on me. He was never a drug addict but lots of problems came his way. He got my support although it
was stressing me out. Now he has a partner and a daughter, his own business. He has not spoken to me for 7 years plus. Now my other kids did not get the attention he got in his teens and twenties but they all supported me through illness etc This is for your mum to learn how a troubled young man, especially an addict, can take advantage. No. She ought to be proud of you. Just you move ahead with your life.
 
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strawberrywater

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Thank you both kindly for your encouragement. It's so easy for me to lose sight of right and wrong when my mom is this way
 
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Purpleplum

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Your mom probably needs you for her support so she tries to keep you from moving.

Also, take into account that she does know things (wisdom). What looks better living somewhere else usually isn't. Likely you'll pay higher cost of living expenses in better cities that have better salaries, better housing, etc... she probably knows from past experience that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and she trying to protect you.

Having to take a job that's not in your field has been happening for decades....especially for women.
 
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rawlinsc

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I do not know about PA but the cost of living is very high here in NJ. I hope to go back to school for alternate route teaching or masters to be a teacher or professor when my sleep/health improves. Could you go back to school to get a masters in a good field? I know graduate school is expensive which is why I am waiting from inheritance from family. I live in supportive housing low income housing so I can live on my own. But we have had bug problems like you. No mold, though. I would much rather live here than with my grandparents because my grandparents house is hoarded. :(
 
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strawberrywater

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Your mom probably needs you for her support so she tries to keep you from moving.

Also, take into account that she does know things (wisdom). What looks better living somewhere else usually isn't. Likely you'll pay higher cost of living expenses in better cities that have better salaries, better housing, etc... she probably knows from past experience that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and she trying to protect you.

Having to take a job that's not in your field has been happening for decades....especially for women.
Yes she's told me about higher costs of living in exchange for a better salary, but that's something I'm willing to try because I extremely hate where I live. I do not go out, I do not associate with anyone in this city anymore. The friends I had only wanted to bar-hop every weekend because that's the only thing to do where we live in PA. It's an old rust belt place with abandoned buildings and miserable people. I hate it - I know I deserve better yet it's realistically unattainable because I can't get out of this bad city.
 
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strawberrywater

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I do not know about PA but the cost of living is very high here in NJ. I hope to go back to school for alternate route teaching or masters to be a teacher or professor when my sleep/health improves. Could you go back to school to get a masters in a good field? I know graduate school is expensive which is why I am waiting from inheritance from family. I live in supportive housing low income housing so I can live on my own. But we have had bug problems like you. No mold, though. I would much rather live here than with my grandparents because my grandparents house is hoarded. :(
I've been trying to improve my writing skills every day, and don't feel like I should spend money on a writing degree since most writers don't need it. Years ago I was in graduate school for elementary education because I always thought about being a teacher, however had to drop out. The program required students to already be working with children, and I had no experience. When I spoke to several places to at least get some volunteer work, they wouldn't take me on - they all told me they had no space for me and can't hire another worker. The dean accused me of being a weirdo because I wasn't able to get a job working with children, so I had to quit. I am not a weirdo, I am a perfectly average young woman, I was in my early 20s at the time, and have a squeaky clean record. I never even had a parking ticket. I ended up owing the school over $5000 for the 2 months I was there, so since that was a huge waste of money, I'd never consider grad school again unless someone else (like a job) paid for it.

PA is more affordable, but still not for me personally. We struggle to pay $900 per month in rent, and this is the cheapest place that's not in the middle of nowhere. I could never afford rent, car payment, student loans, health insurance, bills, groceries, etc on my own unless I had a decent paying job...which doesn't exist. You have to basically know someone to get a good job, and I don't. It's so hard
 
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Purpleplum

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Yes she's told me about higher costs of living in exchange for a better salary, but that's something I'm willing to try because I extremely hate where I live. I do not go out, I do not associate with anyone in this city anymore. The friends I had only wanted to bar-hop every weekend because that's the only thing to do where we live in PA. It's an old rust belt place with abandoned buildings and miserable people. I hate it - I know I deserve better yet it's realistically unattainable because I can't get out of this bad city.
Don't think other places are a dream to live though. It's really not the place you live that makes you happy. There are a lot of miserable people in more prosperous cities.

It seems like you need to find this out yourself though so moving sounds like your next plan.
 
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strawberrywater

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Don't think other places are a dream to live though. It's really not the place you live that makes you happy. There are a lot of miserable people in more prosperous cities.

It seems like you need to find this out yourself though so moving sounds like your next plan.
I totally get what you're saying and you're right to an extent. But know that I want to get out of this run down city and go somewhere a bit more modern. I'm not exaggerating when I say there are no jobs here and the total infrastructure is falling apart. If you're familiar with the downfall of Detroit, it's a lot like that, except no one is leaving this area in search of something better.

And I meant miserable people as in - people in very bad health, angry, small minded, many people have drug problems (I've stepped over needles on the streets, witnessed drug deals in broad daylight at the bus stop downtown). Yeah there's people like that everywhere but it's prevalent here. I don't want to live in this. I changed jobs years ago when I was working downtown because there was a huge string of random stabbings in the daytime, so I left that asap. Downtown is mostly abandoned, made worse by pandemic closures.

I just want to live with people who walk their dogs, say hi to their neighbors, help each other out. That stuff. Like "Leave It To Beaver" suburbs lol I sometimes wish I had a family of my own and a house.

I don't want to live in NY or Los Angeles, or live lavish anywhere -- I just want a normal place, you know? Where I live isn't is a good or safe environment.
 
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Purpleplum

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I totally get what you're saying and you're right to an extent. But know that I want to get out of this run down city and go somewhere a bit more modern. I'm not exaggerating when I say there are no jobs here and the total infrastructure is falling apart. If you're familiar with the downfall of Detroit, it's a lot like that, except no one is leaving this area in search of something better.

And I meant miserable people as in - people in very bad health, angry, small minded, many people have drug problems (I've stepped over needles on the streets, witnessed drug deals in broad daylight at the bus stop downtown). Yeah there's people like that everywhere but it's prevalent here. I don't want to live in this. I changed jobs years ago when I was working downtown because there was a huge string of random stabbings in the daytime, so I left that asap. Downtown is mostly abandoned, made worse by pandemic closures.

I just want to live with people who walk their dogs, say hi to their neighbors, help each other out. That stuff. Like "Leave It To Beaver" suburbs lol I sometimes wish I had a family of my own and a house.

I don't want to live in NY or Los Angeles, or live lavish anywhere -- I just want a normal place, you know? Where I live isn't is a good or safe environment.
What about living in a suburb outside of Detroit...still in Michigan?
 
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strawberrywater

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What about living in a suburb outside of Detroit...still in Michigan?
Sorry for the confusion - I live in Pennsylvania, not Michigan. I just mean that my city is like Detroit because it is very run down and lacks jobs. I live in a tiny suburb outside of my city but there are no jobs here, at least not good paying ones. Like, the fast food places are hiring but I don't want to do that work, I need a job again where I can use my degree
 
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rawlinsc

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My sleep is getting better the past few weeks but I will talk to my doctors about it. I want to substitute teach maybe next school year using my math degree and certificate of eligibility in math and special ed. Could you have worked at a tutoring center or substitute teach when you went for that graduate school elementary education degree?
 
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strawberrywater

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Could you have worked at a tutoring center or substitute teach when you went for that graduate school elementary education degree?
Yes, I tried to do that but no one would hire me. I would call or email everywhere for information, and they immediately turned me away, and said they weren't hiring.
 
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rawlinsc

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Yes, I tried to do that but no one would hire me. I would call or email everywhere for information, and they immediately turned me away, and said they weren't hiring.
I have been working at a tutoring center for kids for 3 years. I am hoping to use my experience there and my bachelors and ce in math and special ed to sub. I am sorry they did not give you a chance. Hugs.
 
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