no family...no kids :(

J

janni

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Feb 5, 2015
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I'm new here. I saw a thread online and wanted to response. I registered and now can't find it. It was on being childless late 30s 40s. I suffer from depression but I know what I need.
I feel lost.
I came from an abusive home and don't have a single family member. I have no connections that are true. One thing I have always wanted was children and everybody tells me what a great mom I'd be.
Well it isn't happening and I keep getting this sinking feeling . I feel like I will just die.
I"m 42. I spent 10 years with an abusive jerk and I just would not have a child with him knowing what he was like. I left him years ago and haven't found anyone else. I am a shy person so it's difficult.
I have tried sperm donation. For that I got judged for having no family. Not my fault but how could I provide? What would happen if I died? THat's what I heard.
So I tried with people online. Met one guy. Tried artificially. He never contacted me again He wanted sex. I didn't. He offered to be a donor...not a partner.
Now I'm stuck. I don't want to be bad. I don't want to do anything a child wouldn't respect later. I don't want to deprive a child of knowing the other side of their heritage. I have none to share. And then if a child has nobody on the paternal side.
i know I could do a great job....but it doesn't matter. I am nobody.
I am trying to foster or adopt and again confronted with the face I have no family. I can understand these kids. But it doesn't matter. I am great with kids. Patient to the core. But it doesn't matter. I seem to be nobody and belong nowhere. I don't think I will survive this.
so do I give up on trying....what do I do?
 
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A

amber1

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Oh janni, I am so sad to read this. I do think you made a good decision NOT to have a child with your ex though. Life is deeply unfair. You've got that special ability to relate to kids, and you are being discriminated against for something that's totally beyond your control. Lots of other people with less ability drop out kids like there's no tomorrow. I had one as a result of being psychotic and in hospital...he ended up in care at 8 and I go through endless guilt over him, because he's going to be very alone family-wise like you. I will do my best to be there for him though, obviously.

Your affinity with children could be very valuable in all kinds of work settings...social work, residential care, nurseries, teaching. I know it is not the same as having your own, but I just want to say to you, you are a valuable and important person and not a nobody, janni. Please don't give up and I'm sorry I can't be more helpful but I am thinking of you.
 
cpuusage

cpuusage

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i don't think this World needs more kids/people.

i don't have kids either - a lot of friends do. We can be of service & positive impact on the lives of others without plopping out kids.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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I don;.t have children either, some times I feel like I could manage - others clearly not.

It's sad but true
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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Bar a miracle I will likely be childless - but I guess I could get involved with a single parent. I think I would enjoy kids - because I am a big kid myself.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I have my own child but i too agree so many children in needof a loving home. When I am in a position to I would love to adopt and told my bf and he agreed. But I hear the process is so rigourus they would most likely not consider me. Im sorry to hear your story :hug1: i hope the agencies or whatever theyre called can see you just want to give an unloved child the chance of happiness.
 
J

janni

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Thanks for all your replies. I am glad to have found you. You seem to understand the pain I feel.
To keep trying for a child kills me in ways too. I hate that I can only offer myself and no grandparents or aunts or anything.
When I think about not trying I feel so absolutely horrible. I love kids. I'm not a partier. I am a homebody and would make a home. If I can't adopt or foster I will feel so lost in this world.
As for working with them I have considered this too. I just hate that there are always boundaries to what I do. I am always "removed". I'm not family. Kids love me. I love them but I can't take them home with me. When I buy gifts it's always "you shouldn't have"....
I don't belong anywhere. I am so shy, actually more of social anxiety that it's difficult to meet men. And when I do the questions about family come in. I hate telling everyone I have nobody. And now I might have to say no children either. I'm so tired. ....so sad and I am really scared at my thoughts.
again I thank you all soo soo much from the bottom of my heart for listening and sharing
 
J

janni

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what sucks too is that I have been buying things in preparation and now have bins of baby things. It's too difficult to even look. I'm a planner but now feel like an idiot
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I never really saw much family as a child and the family I did see was so messed up. So what if you cant offer an extended family? If you can offer that child love and dedicate yourself too them they will be just fine :)
Do you feel like you could manage without additional support around you?
 
J

janni

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sometimes I think I would just be fine but reality is everyone needs a little help here and there.
It may not even happen. I have been having so many problems even trying to conceive. I get so worked up. I feel crazy. I worry so much. I just want to take care of a child and give them what they need, what I didn't get. I have it to give but I just don't belong in this world ;(
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Stress can affect conception :)
It is most likely best you consider your well being first though, you must be well to care for a life. X
 
R

rosebetween2thorns

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Stress can affect conception :)
It is most likely best you consider your well being first though, you must be well to care for a life. X
Perhaps you ought to give up on the idea and have a dog. They are more loyal than people, or a cat. A child in your 40s can be exhausting and the risk of the child being born with a disability is high. Which makes life even more exhausting. As lovely as disabled children can be.

Hope this helps.
 
L

lauren

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Hi Janni
I see this is an older post but wanted to weigh in. I share many of your feelings. I have no family either. I am having difficulty even trying. Being 42 myself I have gone the route of donor insemination still I can't get up the nerve to try. It's terrifying to be alone. Unless others are alone it's so hard to explain. It's painful though. Wish I could come up with my own answers. Nonetheless I hope you have been able to come to terms with your decisions.
and I have to add, I think the idea of a pet is great but it does not make up for a child. People mean well in their responses but to recommend a pet when trying for a child is just not the same and adoption is not easy. Still I send you my best.
 
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