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anonyman

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Apr 21, 2020
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I just need to vent. Just in a lot of pain. It’sa complex situation. My brain is a mess of bad chemistry.

Full day of panic attacks yesterday. Panic attacks usually introduce suicidal ideation. So I have a combo of panic attacks and suicidal ideation. Immediate symptoms of my overall condition of being bipolar. And I’m not stable enough to go months without a relapse.

what hurts is being made out to be the bad guy for having a relapse. Being balanced is hard. The meds only do so much. But the stimulus of life is my biggest contributor of brain chemistry. And lately I’m getting pummeled by negativity. Mix in panic attacks. Mix in depression. Mix in suicidal ideation.

Just wipe out humanity. We’re hopeless. We’re a broken species. And I’m part of the problem. I would love for it to all go black instantly. Just a clean wipe. Nothingness. But of course I’m bipolar so I also see the beauty of life life. But the more my brain is exposed to negative brain chemistry, the more I lean toward the darkness.

you can’t control life. so sometimes it just happens. not everything in life is positive.

I’m dying a slow death. That’s what life is for me. Just slowly dying while trying my best to find moments of happiness. And some days it works. And some days the negative piles up and weighs on you. And the darkness makes a compelling argument.

darkness makes a compelling argument.

I’m told I’m selfish. If they only knew that in my darkest moments, they’re my motivation to stick around. But I’ma bad guy for having a condition. Maybe I am. A bad guy. But I don’t want to be. That should count for something. I’m trying to be a good guy. Some days I fail. That shouldn’t erase all the good I do. But it does.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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You're not selfish at all. You're in pain.

Yesterday sounds as if it was terrible for you. What triggered the panic attacks? x
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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You're going through hell right now. It's hard to cling on to all the good things when your brain chemistry is poisoning your thoughts and sucking the colour out of life.

You're right - there is so much beauty in life and so much joy but these episodes just wipe out their reality.

You must still be feeling shell shocked from yesterday and mentally exhausted.

I know it's not much comfort but try and weather the next few days as a storm that will pass. Ruminating will make you more miserable - you've had a tough time and need to nurture yourself. Be patient and allow yourself to rest and recover a little. You ARE a good guy and this WILL pass.

Sending you a huge hug and best wishes x :hug:
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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My opinion is when experiencing lows it's important to separate them from everything else, and accept them for what they are, not to allow them to infringe on other experiences. I think if it were me during these times I would try and keep my expectations and activities to the esentials and bare minimums, knowing this phase will eventually pass. By allowing these lows to overlap into other experiences in my opinion will just add to the negativity that these lows brings. Hope this helps :hug:
 
A

anonyman

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Apr 21, 2020
Messages
16
Location
Boston
As a chemically dependent person I can say, chemical dependence is just people finding a way to say, damn, life isn’t that bad. The chemicals we ingest for moments of euphoria give us hope. That’s clearly a sickness because our own brains are supposed to produce these chemicals. But since our Brains are deficient, we rely on the instant gratification of chemicals. Because otherwise, life is too much. It’s a raw deal. It’s not fair. It’s ugly. It’s a sick world we live in. People use chemicals to cope.
 

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