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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Nightmare Family, my very own LOL/Not.

cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
I know this will sound a bit "mad", but please dont write me off. I am concerned that my dads g/f is trying to shorten his life. I dont know what to do. I am the only member of the family who is close enough to see what is going on. Friends of mine who see it with me also think she has an agenda. Her main thrust at the moment is to discredit me and isolate me from him.

It is working as she is so effective. He is totally dependent on her (she has ensured that). He cries to me, tells me how bad it is, I listen and try to keep him going while not telling him what to do except to re-empower himself again.

She is openly rude to me, my friends and fiancee when we have visited. It has reached very obvious levels now and I emailed her to politely point out that being so rude is noticed and why does she do it?

She replied with the most vile and cruel, nasty email I have ever had. That was two weeks ago, I am still reeling ***.

Because of her my dad has in the last few years accused ME of stealing kitchen-ware (all items of which I have had my own for decades) from his house, open his bank statements, and flood the bidet (it was the cleaner). I gave up having a key to the place to prevent further accusations. One of her schemes back fired as I didnt have a key when the "incident" happened.

About the bank statement I offered to pay for a detective to take finger prints to discover the truth. It was quickly then dropped.

I had a key to dads house for over a decade. She doesnt want me to have access. So dreams up these wild accusations. When we visit we are ignored. He has owned the house for 30 years, its worth around 300+K. It is willed to me. She wants it. She wants to prove it was her home and she is dependent.

My dad is quite wealthy. She is broke.

Dad has a pension of around 60K a year which can ONLY be left (50%) to his named spouse. She is that named spouse. Which is fair enough, both my sister and I agree on that. But she is setting up for the rest.

My sister has very bad bi-polar, and is high at the moment. Just raving.

Her inheritance portion is in a trust fund. Mine isnt. Mine is liquid.

Christine (dads g/f) is trying to discredit me because of my depression and (as I have) drank and smoked too much. I onloy smoke tobacco, but she refers to me as fag-ash Freda and insults me in every way she can.

Since the email from her I have tried to regain my balance and havnt actually drank or gone into a dive. But it is creeping up on me. John my fiancee told dad that I was upset, dad said "Christine hasnt done anything wrong!". He didnt know. So a week after I got it I silently forwarded it to him. She did this a few years ago too, and I insisted on an apology before I would "play happy families again" and see her etc. She refused and Dad appealled to me to let it go. I did.

He has told me in his misery that she:

gets down on her knees and grabs his legs begging for money, and how much he hates it

that he has no idea how much money or pension she gets, it is hers

he doesnt mind paying for everything if she would just offer to buy lunch occasionally, or buy him a new tie or gift

he doesnt want to pay for her cosmetic surgery

bullies him and he feels "hen-pecked"

etc etc etc

She made herself homeless by selling her place in Spain so to move in with him there, he never wanted her to move in.

He then payed for a new house for her just to get her to be independent from him tax-wise. Which is in her name. He now lives with her in that house, and sold his own place out there. But she is after the house here too - the house I always used to have keys too.

Today, as things stand, I havnt spoken to him since I got that email from her. No doubt she is happy about that. He wont be. She has suceeded in alienating his one family member who sticks by him and who he talks to, me.

He used to be such a powerful man, he was also a terrible bully too. So maybe he is getting what he deserves, my mum and sister just laugh and say he is. But I feel sorry for him, he is so miserable. But is so afraid of being alone he wont/cant make a break. He is 78. But a very fit hypochondriac. He uses imagined illness to get attention. She is always ill, her back, her silicone tits (leaks, replacements etc) her hernia, her boil on her "lady parts " is the latest......

Lets not go there, I used to do psychology too. My dad is just like a little old boat rocking around on her wave machine.

All of this of course frightens and depresses me terribly. Being the only one (except my friends) who have seen how appallingly she treats him and no one else cares, she keeps up a good "I adore him" act in front of everyone else and he is too weakened to protest. Except to me.

I am thinking, in practical terms of:

a) writing to our family solicitors a letter not to be opened until his death stating my concerns

b) asking dad to put my half of our (my sisters and my) inheritance both into the trust fund she currently has. Instead of my portion being liquid.

Over the years I have been asked at his request to sack dishonest cleaners who stole from him, and change the lock to stop a g/f getting back into his house. And I did it. It is his house after all.

This is dragging me down. I can say this here: I wish either they were bloody dead or I was. I cant f*cking stand it. 47 years of this shit with my bloody family. Mother gay, sister hyper and beating up her kids. Dad utterley obsessed with his bloody money. Endless trips to solicitors, endless trips to medical consultants. All of whom agree he should get a life and enjoy it as he is fit and well.

He is in a type of hell, he has created. No one else cares, they dont see it up close like I do. No one lives as close as I do (when he is in the UK).

All his life he has insisted the only thing he wants is for Alex (my sister) and I to inherit his estate, my sisters kids who he adores are not even in his will. That is His Will. I'm a named executor because as he says I am the only person he most trusts. If he left it to the RSPCA I would do what I could to ensure His Will was honoured. And he knows that. He didnt inherit it, he earnt it. His first job was the same as his Dads, coal mining near Doncaster.

He has been with this parasite - Christine for over ten years now. She is gradually persuading him that he has dementia (tests reveal he does not but he doesnt beleive the tests) and wouldnt it be best to give someone power of attorney? Meanwhile discredit me, Alex is unfortunately out with the pixies. Dont have to be Poirrot to work it out does it?

I am utterley exhausted with it all.

I am not going to lie and say that a few hundred thou wouldnt just make my life so much better. But I also know that I am the only one to show any interest in his mental health and well-being, and I have always been a daddies-girl since I was a kid we had a special bond, and I love him. Mostly I dont want to see him get old and miserable like this. Money doesnt bring him happiness, that is clear.

Her "get off your fat arse and stop pretending to be ill" email ..... what can I do? Withdraw. I am too ill to be able to stand someone being that cruel to me. I was back in hospital seven months ago (stress suicide attempt), gave up all the vol work I had built up over three years again. It totally floored me how cruel and nasty someone could be. Indeed, how desperate and plotting they can be.

Exhausted now from writing this. It has been really usefull to finally put my fears down in I hope, a comprehensible way. I am having nightmares about her bumping him off. Her half of his pension is a lot more than she gets from him now.

Families......

Love and light to you all, and to me!

cloudberry
 
Astrid

Astrid

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 24, 2010
Messages
75
Location
USA
This sounds like a very complicated mess, I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Your dad's g/f's behavior is very typical of an abuser. If he can't see what she is doing then there is probably little you can do. As they say, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself.
 
B

Blondie

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2010
Messages
396
Location
Lancashire
Oh dear,you can choose your friends but you carn't choose your family huh?You need to become the dutiful daughter with the butter wouldn't melt look.I wouldn't get out of your dads life if you are his only source of confidence,he will miss that greatly.Smile sweetly on visits,ignore her rude comments and hopefully he will start to see her for what she is?Maybe not though if it has been so long.I wish you well x:)
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Thankyou Blondie and Astrid for replying. That was 16 months ago and it seems I was sadly right. I never had or sought Power of Attorney, but my elder sister Alex had it. Now she doesnt have it, only Christine dads girlfriend has it. He has been diagnosed with Parkinsons. he has probably had it about three years. Game lost.

He is so depressed he doesnt see any point in life. He has no one to look after him but her which he moans about. I would have helped, I would have done it all. But she has systematically driven me away and now I am banned from the house and there is little I can do.

When the diagnosis (Parkinsons) came he tried to rally us, her, my sister and me, to co-operate to help him. We did rally, well I did anyway. Alex wont rouse herself. It turns out Alex was right. What we were expected to do was let Christine have all rights over his life, money, property and decision making. And all she and he by that time he had no opinion of his own, was to step in to look after him 24/7 when she wanted to swan off for a week or three, on his money.

Before I was banned from the house I popped in unexpectedly one day to pick up something he wanted me to collect. He looked awful. Dishevelled, unshaven, dirty hair, dirty clothes - a jumper with things spilled down the front. Meanwhile she was swanning around looking immaculate with newly manicured nails..... she has the master bedroom, literally. He was relegated to the spare room a decade ago. I wasnt happy about that either when I realised.

Oh what to do?

In the meantime I have consulted a solicitor about my concerns. She told me there is not anything I can actually do, but keep a record of things and emails etc. Worse still she looked forlorn as I told her. She wasnt surprised, she said it was all too familiar.

My mother came with me, and my partner John. My sister is finally I hope realising all is not rosy too. Though she fell for the "go away with dad for a week all expenses paid" deal last month. Which was because Christine wanted some "respite care".

Respite care my arse. I live just 25 miles away from him and could and used to see him twice a week. But my proximity and that I have time to go and help him with his paperwork etc is my downfall.

The time I helped him sort out his phone bill is when she then banned me from his house. And from there on in I will not back down and smile anymore. There is little to smile about. If he was smiling, I would be. But from early 2009 he took me aside and told me how miserable he was.

I wish I had had the forethought to tape it. I didnt of course. Now he says he didnt say those things. But then that was when we were allowed to meet on our own. These days he is monitored all the time.

Even my mother recognises that when on the phone to him the upstairs line is being monitored.

I am exhausted with it.
 
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