• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Newbie!

A

AppleJacks99

Member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
24
Location
Arkansas
Hi,

I'm new to the forum. I was recently diagnosed Borderline/Bipolar I with generalized anxiety. Previously, 10 years ago, I was just Bipolar I w/ generalized anxiety. When I was very young I took Ritalin for ADD. I have a lot of trouble getting proper diagnosis due to my obsession with psychology, people watching, mimicking/masking. It also hinders my ability to stay in therapy very long, and so I thought joining an online forum might be helpful. There's a lot of lazy psychiatry going on, and I sometimes feel that the therapist parrots back what I think is wrong, instead of telling me what they believe is wrong, if that makes sense?

I believe I'm pretty high functioning, meaning I've been able to hold a job for 2 years. Of course, that wouldn't be possible if my boss didn't allow me to take mental health days once or twice a month, so I don't know if that's "high functioning" or not. Anyway, I just wanted to connect, because here lately I've felt pretty lonely. What lead to my recent diagnosis was I went into a psychosis due to the pandemic stress, and not being able to separate reality from fantasy. I'm having a harder time getting out, and I really just needed to connect to like-minded people.

It's really nice to meet everyone, and I look forward to interacting and "socializing" if that's what this is.😬
 
D

DimpleDebz

Active member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
42
Location
Munich
Hi AppleJacks99, I'm also a newbie and my diagnosis is BPD, BP and PTSD. Happy to chat 😊 the mimicking sounds about right for BPD, Lord knows I'm like a chameleon 😄
 
A

AppleJacks99

Member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
24
Location
Arkansas
Sometimes I don't know how much of me is me, and how much is what I read or watch on tv, or see other people do...mimicking kind of creates an alternate reality.😩

It's good to meet you. Nice to know I'm not alone❤❤❤
 
D

DimpleDebz

Active member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
42
Location
Munich
O man I know what you mean! I've developed abit of a trick regarding mimicking what I watch in the last couple of months... I only watch documentaries. Literally lots of docus about endurance sport athletes to get me to study 😂
I must admit that at one point it was so bad that I'd ask my boyfriend at the time "So how do you like your women to look" and loh and behold I would look like that from the very next meeting until the end of our relationship 🤦🏾‍♀️ I'm so glad I've matured/self-learned myself out of that phase!
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,892
Location
Nashua NH
Hello Applejacks, holding down a job for two years even with sick days sounds very highly functioning to me! Congratulations for that. We’re glad to have you here with us. xo, j
 
A

AppleJacks99

Member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
24
Location
Arkansas
O man I know what you mean! I've developed abit of a trick regarding mimicking what I watch in the last couple of months... I only watch documentaries. Literally lots of docus about endurance sport athletes to get me to study 😂
I must admit that at one point it was so bad that I'd ask my boyfriend at the time "So how do you like your women to look" and loh and behold I would look like that from the very next meeting until the end of our relationship 🤦🏾‍♀️ I'm so glad I've matured/self-learned myself out of that phase!
I've also matured quite a lot. I spent a great deal of time in the past mimicking ex girlfriends in previous relationships. I don't know if I either grew out of it, or it I just found the right person to trust. I'm trying to limit my time on tv because I have a tendency to act out what I see in movies and implement certain traits into my relationships. Reading too many self-help books and psychology texts also does that. My biggest problem at 33 is regulating my emotions, and staying in therapy.
 
A

AppleJacks99

Member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
24
Location
Arkansas
Hello Applejacks, holding down a job for two years even with sick days sounds very highly functioning to me! Congratulations for that. We’re glad to have you here with us. xo, j
Thanks for having me! At the moment I am jobless, but I am searching. It's hard right now.

It is nice meeting you.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,892
Location
Nashua NH
Thanks for having me! At the moment I am jobless, but I am searching. It's hard right now.

It is nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you too. It is absolutely hard right now. Hopefully things will pick up before too long. xo, j
 
A

aero89

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 18, 2020
Messages
129
Location
england
Hey @AppleJacks99

'obsession with psychology, people watching, mimicking/masking. It also hinders my ability to stay in therapy'

Completely relate to this. I find myself often trying to play therapist or patient....with other people. Gives me some identity. It makes it challenging in therapy as I like to be in control.

I have found a therapist with strong boundaries but is also caring is important for me. One that takes time to understand me and actually listens to what I need so doesn't get drawn into my games. One that is able to challenge me but without being threatening. Whether it will be effective in long term is something else!

I also mimic what I see on TV and I think I'm trying too hard to make you feel like I understand.

Personally I have a problem with the term 'high functioning' as I feel I would get labelled this way too. Relatively speaking I probably am...but I don't feel it as I don't feel I am functioning well. Similar to you out of work but have just about held down a job with lots of mental health days and patience from manager. Now I can't.

Emotional regulation is definitely a very big challenge!
 
A

AppleJacks99

Member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
24
Location
Arkansas
I do that a lot. I get too interested in the other person and their intentions, so I end up focusing more on the person than their intention to help. I desperately want help, and that's why I go to a therapist when I get overwhelmed, but then it feels so useless. I have a very hard time sticking with it. I always like my therapists, but I guess I like to feel challenged or something, and there's too much lazy psychiatry.
 
D

DimpleDebz

Active member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
42
Location
Munich
I've also matured quite a lot. I spent a great deal of time in the past mimicking ex girlfriends in previous relationships. I don't know if I either grew out of it, or it I just found the right person to trust. I'm trying to limit my time on tv because I have a tendency to act out what I see in movies and implement certain traits into my relationships. Reading too many self-help books and psychology texts also does that. My biggest problem at 33 is regulating my emotions, and staying in therapy.
Same boat 🤗 but you do have 2 Diagnosis that really mess with emotions. Or do the emotions mess with us? I kind of feel like my emotions are waves crashing around under my skin. I'm having more trouble than usual controlling them this week. Hoping you are feeling good today 😊
 
A

AppleJacks99

Member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
24
Location
Arkansas
I'm a little late responding, but I hope you are feeling better. I feel the same. One moment I feel like things are coming together, and the next I'm irritated, angry, or depressed...or all of it. Many years ago, I worked at a club, and that's when I had really bad emotional meltdowns. One time I threw all the chairs in one of the rooms and broke all the mirrors, and I also used to hide in the bathroom and tear it apart when I had a breakdown, and walk out like nothing happened. I don't really drink anymore, which helps A LOT, but I still have emotional episodes in private...Irritability and paranoia is a little more out in the open, but rage I keep to myself...:(
 

Similar threads

Top