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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

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A

Amapola84

New member
Joined
Dec 12, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Latin America
Hi everyone! :)
I hope I can meet wonderful people, and find ways to heal together!
first, I’d like to introduce myself! **if you feel you can be triggered by childhood drama, please avoid what I’ll write below**
I’m 36, and I’ve been going to therapy for the last year. Unfortunately when I was a little, I was sexually abused by an uncle for several years. I grew up lonely because I couldn’t make any friends. I used to cry all the time at school and wanted to be alone... my parents never really knew why. I felt ashamed and couldn’t cope with any kind of negative comment about me, this is why I avoided people. Because of this, when I grew up, I kept searching for men’s approval, but they just wouldn’t notice me. My friends started dating, and whenever I had a crush on someone, this person wanted to date any of my friends. Things changed when I was 21... I lost weight and I started dating... it became easy and I really enjoyed feeling beautiful and appreciated! My relationships never really lasted long and I was always panicking over the idea of being abandoned by whoever I was dating. I never controlled any of my ex boyfriends, and I was lucky they treated me well. When I met my husband, I was heart broken because of a break up. My husband fell in love with me immediately and I loved that feeling. We moved in two months later, and married the next year.
Now we’ve been married for 10 years and have a little boy. We’ve gone through more downs than ups.
I suppose I touched bottom when I found out my husband cheated on me when our son was a little baby. When I asked him why, he said he was no longer attracted to me. I had gained weight, I was always tired and messy. I was going through depressions and I was no longer fun. This really crushed me, and we decided to separate for a while and see what happens. I bought a flight and went to my parents’ with my baby. While in there, I started getting sick (stomach) and lost so much weight.
when I came back home, my husband was very much attracted to me again. I loved that feeling, but I was still sick... shortly after my return, I was diagnosed with IBS and followed a treatment and got better. I started exercising and eating healthy and all was going great again... until I started getting invites and started panicking over the idea of gaining weight.
I don’t know how I became a bulimic, but my colleagues would constantly tell me I was too skinny. I couldn’t see it... to this day, every time I look myself at the mirror, I look “fat”, so I was always in denial!
Last year, I got an award at work, so I asked a colleague to take a picture of me when I had to collect my award. Later when I checked my photos, I realized I look sick! I was too skinny and fragile... it really hit me! Suddenly my hair loss, weakness, and sleepless nights made sense. I just didn’t notice a pattern in my behavior: binge eating for days or even a week, then purge. I’d eat until I felt sick, and then I had an excuse to purge.
I started therapy last year and during the pandemic I started watching what I was eating, I started exercising and I started looking healthier. Having my husband with me and getting closer was a big help. Now he has an extra job (a company he and his friends started) and because it’s a booze company, he’s visiting restaurants and gets home late. I’ve been feeling really lonely and started binge eating again. I’ve purged twice this month. I’d love someone I can talk to! I don’t want my husband to worry about me, he’s working hard because I lost my job because of the pandemic. He’s always promising we’ll be alright and is trying to make sure we have everything.
I had to stop therapy from March until November, but a therapy once a week to cover so many things isn’t doing much and I really want to get better. The idea of “getting fat” is killing me. I want to be strong on my own, and get better for my son and husband.
Thank you for reading! It means a lot! <3
 
Me13

Me13

Member
Joined
Dec 11, 2020
Messages
20
Location
UK
Welcome Amapola - I'm new here too and this is my first post. I still can't bring myself to write an intro yet but yours resonates with me (thank you for posting).

It's a time of increased anxiety, especially when something that is our of our control changes everything (eg COVID). The fact your here shows that you want to get some control, a step in the right direction.

There are sub forums that are specially on different areas of health and there is one for eating disorders, it might be good to post there. I'd imagine that some forum users keep an eye on the sections where they have experience.

I want happiness and health for you, take care.
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
Hello and welcome to the forum. You are very brave to have written such an honest post.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,206
It's important to remember that you are still the same beautiful and unique you, irrespective of if you gain a few pounds etc. What is really important is your happiness? Are you happy and content in life, and if not what can you do to improve your quality of life etc. to bring your well-being and happiness to a level you are content with? Perhaps a little extra food indulgence brings you pleasure, could it be worth exploring other options (it's important to have a balanced diet and to be healthy and to feel healthy). Hope this helps :)
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
5,852
Location
Norway
Hi Amapola welcome to the forum :welcome:
 
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