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Newbie seeking advice

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chloealx

Member
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Hertfordshire
Hey All. I am new to this so I am going to introduce myself with the hope of getting some advice or reassurance.
So im 25 years old and I have never suffered with any kind of mental illness. I have always been a bit of a worrier but nothing major
Last October roughly 4 months ago whilst abroad I suffered a massive panic attack (my ankles were swollen and my legs bruised) I convinced myself i had a blood clot. I spent the rest of my holiday in constant panic.
When I got home I was quite low but put this down to being back in rainy england. My blood tests were clear for clots. That week i started to develope server intrusive thoughts. They go against everything I believe in and what i desire in my life. They caused my great distress... I wasn't sleeping, eating and had constant anxiety. I didnt tell anyone until December. I suffered in silence. In this time I was questioning who I was, am I really a monster? So early December I went to see a psychotherapist. She advised I was suffering from intrusive thoughts caused by anxiety, possibly PTSD. I had 3 sessions with her which didnt particularly help. By this time I constantly feel like im in a bad dream. All I do is research about whats happening to me to gain some kind of rational reason as to why. The week after christmas I came home and told my family everything. I had gotten into a dark place and could no longer keep it to myself. I went to the doctors and they gave me anti depressants. I took these for a week. They were awful and I really didnt want to take them.
So now - I have came a long way BUT i think my intrusive thoughts have now changed from harm to the thought that I am going insane. I honestly am so scared that i have Split Personality or something similar. I am constantly arguing with myself. Has anyone else experienced this? I just want my normal life back with my normal brain... i WANT to be my happy normal, present, self again. Thanks for reading. Chloe
 
treesong

treesong

Member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
5
Location
UK
Hi Chloe,
I'm by no means an expert, but I can in many ways relate. I'll tell you my thoughts but just keep in mind they're just my opinion! It sounds like you've built up anxiety over the years? Especially when you say you've been a bit of a worrier. I have anxiety problems and I know I tend to belittle my own feelings into "they weren't that big" - but they were contributing to my mental health issues... You might even have OCD, as it also includes signs of anxiety and intrusive thoughts, especially when they go against what you believe in.

Don't worry, you're not going insane! Try seeing a different therapist or doctor, the one you got might not have been one for you. Meds can be scary too, especially when you first start to take them. It'll take time, but it'll get better. Trial and error.
 
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chloealx

Member
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Hertfordshire
Hi Chloe,
I'm by no means an expert, but I can in many ways relate. I'll tell you my thoughts but just keep in mind they're just my opinion! It sounds like you've built up anxiety over the years? Especially when you say you've been a bit of a worrier. I have anxiety problems and I know I tend to belittle my own feelings into "they weren't that big" - but they were contributing to my mental health issues... You might even have OCD, as it also includes signs of anxiety and intrusive thoughts, especially when they go against what you believe in.

Don't worry, you're not going insane! Try seeing a different therapist or doctor, the one you got might not have been one for you. Meds can be scary too, especially when you first start to take them. It'll take time, but it'll get better. Trial and error.
Hi Treesong... Thank you so much for replying. I think your probably right about things building up over the years... If I look back this started on holiday whilst my mother was at home extremely poorly... Along with my fear of loved ones passing I think that was breaking point for me! Also with the OCD - I really do think i have OCD. Too many things are too similar. I have a phone consultation with my local NHS funded mental health group (not sure what they are called) - hopefully they can help me further! Just want my life back! I think the amount of research I have done which i mean probably hours a day at my worse... has 1000% fueled my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I am almost scared of letting go because I forgot who I was before all of this! I just want to feel the fire in my belly again and feel passionate about life! Sorry for the ranting on.. its just nice to talk. Thank you!!
 
treesong

treesong

Member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
5
Location
UK
Hi Treesong... Thank you so much for replying. I think your probably right about things building up over the years... If I look back this started on holiday whilst my mother was at home extremely poorly... Along with my fear of loved ones passing I think that was breaking point for me! Also with the OCD - I really do think i have OCD. Too many things are too similar. I have a phone consultation with my local NHS funded mental health group (not sure what they are called) - hopefully they can help me further! Just want my life back! I think the amount of research I have done which i mean probably hours a day at my worse... has 1000% fueled my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I am almost scared of letting go because I forgot who I was before all of this! I just want to feel the fire in my belly again and feel passionate about life! Sorry for the ranting on.. its just nice to talk. Thank you!!
That's totally understandable. Some life events, especially if they go on for longer periods, eventually impact your life and mental health. I'm glad you have the mental health group on your side, that's a big step in the right direction! I think it's important not to stress about "who you were" because, at least in my case, that only makes you feel worse. Only think about going forward, you'll find happiness with time and you're still you, just with new experiences. And it is nice to talk, I'm here for the same reasons! No need to apologise. :)
 
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chloealx

Member
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Hertfordshire
That's totally understandable. Some life events, especially if they go on for longer periods, eventually impact your life and mental health. I'm glad you have the mental health group on your side, that's a big step in the right direction! I think it's important not to stress about "who you were" because, at least in my case, that only makes you feel worse. Only think about going forward, you'll find happiness with time and you're still you, just with new experiences. And it is nice to talk, I'm here for the same reasons! No need to apologise. :)
Thank you so much... Slowly getting my head around the fact that nothing has actually changed other than my thoughts! Im not sure what your going through but if its similar I have read such a good book on intrusive thoughts/anxiety. Its called 'Overcoming intrusive thoughts' its on amazon. My partner left me on Sunday... So i am just hoping for a fresh start and better things and to be well again. Im here if you want to talk! Thanks again, Chloe :) x
 
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