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Newbie looking for advice

L

leaveoutalltherest

New member
Joined
Mar 24, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Scotland
Hey, I really need some advice and I’m not sure where else to turn to. I’ve had depression and anxiety for 15 years and I’m on meds, have seen gps, councillors and I’m currently under the care of a community mental health team. I’ve had suicidal thoughts and ideations on a few occasions and have self harmed as a way of feeling something. I have angry outbursts often where I feel like I can’t stop it - I’m not a danger to myself or others, I just throw things in my room or hit things, I have stages of feeling completely numb and empty and like I’m going through the motions of life but I’m not really loving it if that makes sense? I often close off from friends and others when I’m struggling as I feel I can’t handle speaking to them, I want to be on my own but then I don’t at the same time. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 5 years yet I continuously try to push him away and when we argue I can say some very hurtful things that I don’t mean, I just see red. There are times when I’m constantly questioning my love for him as I sometimes feel I don’t love him even though I do!!! But when I have these thoughts they are very intense and I feel I can’t stop them. I also have feelings sometimes that I’m going to lose him or if he’s out for any period of time he must be meeting up with someone else - again not true but my mind makes me think these things. I’ve been having awful mood swings lately that change so quickly that I’m struggling to cope with them.

I was raped 15 years ago and I did have a bit of a rubbish childhood where I was abused (Hit etc) by my mum and my dad. My mum resented me and I have literally no relationship with her at all, I just feel very awkward around her, like I do with most of my family. I just feel very uncomfortable. It’s hard to explain.

I also have the tendency to spend money I don’t have because it makes me feel good in the short term.

Can anyone please tell me if this sounds like BPD? And who I need to speak to? I’m not sure if it’s my gp or to go straight to my community mental health team who I’m already in the care of, and discuss it with them. I’m frightened they dismiss it and don’t take it seriously.

Can someone please give me some advice?

Thank you!
 
Jolly

Jolly

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2020
Messages
1,573
Location
United Kingdom
Belated welcome. I personally think you should talk to your psychiatrist and the right therapist who you can trust and be open and honest with. Please keep posting to vent your feelings as I am sure it will help. Finding the right therapist to help is vital for your road to recovery ie DBT or EMDR. Your psychiatrist will put you in the right direction. Take care
 
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