• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Newbie Alert, OHAIII EVERYONE!

GoGoGodzilla

GoGoGodzilla

Member
Joined
Dec 13, 2020
Messages
9
Location
45066
Hello, there, fellow forum frequenters... (Avoid alliteration always, or in my case, NEVERRRRR~)

I'm in a bit of a spot these days, really struggling with a deep and compounded depression and a lot of anger, self-loathing, and resentment and the like. I'm in counseling; however, the situation at hand sometimes calls for alternative sources (and potentially slightly more anonymous sources) of alleviating some of the emotional pressure between sessions. Hence, I'm here... this way I'm not burdening friends or my bank account. XD

Now, allow me to wank at length over the basics of my life story! I'm 34 (will be 35 on Saturday) and a mother of two daughters, aged 12 and 4. I've been married for ten years as of October. I'm once divorced but maintain an amicable relationship with my ex-husband. My mother is an alcoholic who is also addicted to benzos and has been diagnosed bipolar and narcissistic. My sister was diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder--I love her, however, our relationship was always toxic and emotionally exhausting so we've not been in contact since 2014. My brother was physically and emotionally abusive to me growing up; after a time, we resolved things, but a few years ago he lapsed back into old, verbally abusive patterns and as such we've not been as close. He lives hours away now and I haven't tried to maintain much contact. We chat now and then, but about safe topics like Game of Thrones and Disney and such. My father is addicted to his work (it's how he copes with his f*cking life which I understand, haha) and regrettably codependent on my brother (who is, like my mother, bipolar with narcissistic tendencies; also he has had some gambling problems in the past, anger management and impulse control issues, some drug use problems, and etc.) I'm blessed with a solid and supportive stepfather and mother-in-law--they've been there for me through thick and thin and I can't explain how grateful I am to them. My husband is an alcoholic and has been actively drinking for the vast majority of our marriage--about nine years in total. FYI, he's not what you'd call a jovial or pleasant drunk. :p I'd love to say I escaped all the madness unscathed, however, I still deal with eating disorders, escapism, depression, and anxiety. Curses. XD

So last year (hard truth time, Imma just *as my daughter says* YEET a prayer skyward that judgments following this admission are kind) I made the most colossal freaking mistake of my entire life (and trust me, I've made a VERY fair few throughout my years on this planet)--I was at a point of wanting to leave my husband over his drinking, and had met a trainer at a boxing gym I went to at the time. I started something of a... sorta??? relationship with this guy (we had two actual intimate incidents--other than that, it was a flirty "friendship" of sorts.) He had indicated wanting a relationship with me and the idea of leaving my husband to find someone on the other side was tantalizing--I was afraid of being a single mother and making ends meet on my own while still in cosmetology school and not even halfway through. (Yes, I'm a wimp, and yes, I know tougher women than me manage all the time.) In the end, I learned that this trainer guy wasn't what he appeared to be--he had said he loved me and wanted to be with me, that he'd support me and be there for me... to say, when the chips were down, that he didn't like the idea of being caught in a relationship and that he thought we were just two people having fun. Annnnd I discovered he'd had a girlfriend he'd hidden from me all throughout our not-courtship. I ended up admitting to my husband what all had transpired between me and this trainer in January of this year (2020), and I have done everything in my power to atone for what I did since. I ended all social media usage, stepped away from friendships that might have been deemed inappropriate, began operating on total transparency (which means my husband has complete access to my text messages, emails, IMs, goings-on and whereabouts, etc.), shifted my sleeping and exercise patterns, and stepped away from competing in my sports for a time (boxing and distance running.) I quit what was, on first wash, my dream job to ease the burden of childcare on him as the routine was stressful (I feel compelled to mention that I didn't particularly feel accepted into the culture at the salon; however, I never got the opportunity to see how I'd fit in there once I got onto the floor following licensure.) I have been at home without work since I graduated, waiting to take my state board, and attempting to make life as easy on him as possible at home.

In October, my husband relapsed after a stint of sobriety, went on benders, picked several fights with me during which he brutally lambasted me for everything I did last year and all but told me I'm a monster (at one point I asked him repeatedly to leave the room since the conversation wasn't going anywhere and when he refused I told him since he refused to respect the boundaries I was trying to lay I would step out a moment so both of us could cool off. He proceeded to lock me out of the house at 2am, separating me from my kids while only he was in the house DRUNK with them.) He eventually admitted to me after lying out of both sides of his teeth to me that he was drinking during that time.

Later, he also admitted to me that he'd opened an Ashley Madison account, met a girl, had conversations with her, and then went ahead and cheated on me with her.

Guess what we're still talking about all the time...

My affair. :D :D Just today as I was not feeling well due to allergies in the morning he sidelined me saying he remembered how I underlined passages from a book in which the main character was having an affair (in my guilt and attempts to normalize how I felt and what happened, I underlined things that spoke to me.) Husband looked through these passages and confronted me about them several times over the summer, and did it again this morning. He again used the terminology, "You lied. You were reading this and underlining it while you were fucking *insert trainer's name*. You were so dishonest with me." Yes, yes I was, and yes, we'd talked about this several times. He maintained that we had not, that I had not been honest, and it devolved into a fight because I said I was done talking about it since we'd already covered this ground to the point it's been trampled to death and I left the room to take a bath and have a good cry. He interrupted said bath, confronted me again while I was NAKED IN THE BATH, and after the fight continued, I told him to leave as in leave the bathroom. He left the house and hasn't returned. I have no idea where he is.

Later, I apologized via text, saying sorry for exploding and telling him that the anger regarding his behavior in October was still too fresh to repeatedly rehash my wrongdoings from last year and that maybe we should keep discussions regarding our affairs to couples counseling. He returned with replies that involved phrases like, "My feelings are not “rubbing” your face in it. I need to talk about it sometimes. Unexpectedly today. Which i thought we were at a point that we could," and "I find it disturbing that you won't discuss *insert trainer's name* outside of couples counseling," and then when I told him this, "I am not trying to sound selfish, I just know myself and my triggers and I know it’s not going to get anywhere" he said, "My feelings all the time. Forget it."

The fact is that he has subjected me to repeated interrogations over the affair since I admitted it in January. I have come clean over time about all aspects of it, including the more embarrassing and shameful ones. He has continued in these interrogations, and he will ask me a question, and when I give him an answer, he doesn't like my answer, dismisses my answer, writes off my answer, mitigates my answer, questions my answer, etc. EVEN though I have forensically proven all of my answers to be true. The last text I sent asked him why I should answer anything if he just writes off everything I say--and what's the point of asking me if he doesn't actually want to hear any answers I might give him?

I have not asked him much about his, let's face it, girlfriend--even though she has not stopped communicating with him and has even threatened to text me several times and has apparently found our address and my phone number via Internet search. He hasn't done anything solid or definitive to stop these communications with her and has been glad to bring up the ex-trainer guy at whatever turn feels convenient to him.

I'm at such a loss as to what to do, how to feel, what to think. In the midst of all this, I have tried so hard to keep my chin up, fill the house with Christmas spirit for the kids to enjoy, keep the chores done and healthy food on the table, and do my part to be a responsible adult and good parent and wife. I haven't punished him for what he did, and have continued to attempt contributing to the relationship to the best of my ability even though all I want to do is hide in bed and sleep and drink tea and read books and play Breath of the Wild. I deleted one rant to my bestie after I realized I sounded like a juvenile moron--I thought that my husband wanted me to stay up after seeing my oldest daughter out the door to the bus stop in the morning (she and I have to get up at 5:50am to see this done) and I was griping about it being unfair, like why should I stay up when all he's doing is working in the basement other than to make him feel like I'm being a functioning adult to his standard and etc. I felt bad about it in retrospect and deleted the messages because I was ashamed and embarrassed about acting so childishly and then my husband checked my texts and saw that some were deleted. I understand I can't prove what I talked to my bestie about but I did tell him what was said and we came to an agreement regarding what a good time for me to wake up is (that isn't 5:50am, thank the LORD.) XD Then this morning happened...

I just don't know what the point in trying anymore is. I've worked SO HARD this year to better myself (I don't talk to men, I've ended all friendships with the opposite sex, I am extremely private at our new boxing gym, I went through intensive outpatient therapy and read several books and writings on how to lay boundaries and have applied what I've learned, I've limited my time spent on my hobbies--fanfiction/writing, art, gaming, shopping, etc.--and I've even started reconnecting with God and praying again.) I feel like it's never recognized and it's only acknowledged when I bring up that I have put a lot of work in only to be cheated on nine months after the fact. Then my husband is all praise and kudos. Otherwise he focuses on saying he's proud of me for gaining weight and not succumbing to my eating disorder, but hasn't said much if anything about the sacrifices I've made FOR HIM and THIS MARRIAGE unless it's brought to his attention regarding his "girlfriend."

Granted. Maybe this is just what I deserve... reaping what I've sown and all that. *sigh*

Anyway, I'm very down, very sad, very hurt, and just kind of want to run crying (without divulging any details because that gets suuuuuper and like stranger than fiction messy XD) to my dad with the kids for a week or so while my oldest is on break. Other than that, I don't have a clue what to do minus just keep getting up and smiling for the kids' sake. I'm at such a low point I almost don't even feel like running or going to boxing anymore, I don't care about any potential fights I might be able to have set, I don't want to do any races. I can't concentrate on my writing, art or reading. All these things that normally bring me joy and keep me sane.

So in lieu of all that... here I am on this forum to hopefully find some ears and a means of letting off steam between therapy sessions. Here's hoping I can keep getting out of bed each day and be a good parent and the best wife possible under the circumstances. WISH ME LUCK, Y'ALLLLLLL.

Hope everyone is healthy and hanging in there okay during these trying times. Love and hugs to all~
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
3,647
Location
Canada
Hi, welcome to the forum. I read your post but don't have anything to say, just hope you find it helpful on these forums, and it sounds like you're doing your best.
 
PetitPois

PetitPois

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 8, 2020
Messages
1,254
Location
Somewhere
Hi @GoGoGodzilla welcome to the forum :)

Wow that sounds very intense for you right now. You must be emotionally exhausted. I imagine putting a face on for the sake of your kids is so hard to do right now :low:

I hope the forum here helps you. Even if it is just to allow you somewhere to get all of your emotions out. That in itself can really help to take the pressure off.

I really hope things get a bit better for you with your husband. You can usually find someone here to chat to when you need it 🤗
 
GoGoGodzilla

GoGoGodzilla

Member
Joined
Dec 13, 2020
Messages
9
Location
45066
Hi, there, @PetitPois <3 and thank you so so much~ I appreciate your kindness more than I can express, truly. <3 Completely agreed, by the way, indeed much of what I'm going for is just a safe place to unload some of the overload of emotions other than just venting to a silent journal. ^_^ Just writing all of that down felt so much better. *exhales* <3

Again, thank you so much. :3 You're wonderful. Sending you my love and appreciation!
 
GoGoGodzilla

GoGoGodzilla

Member
Joined
Dec 13, 2020
Messages
9
Location
45066
Hi, welcome to the forum. I read your post but don't have anything to say, just hope you find it helpful on these forums, and it sounds like you're doing your best.
Thank you so much, @jajingna <3 I really appreciate you saying that. :) Just venting helped me feel better so I'm betting these forums will be very helpful :3 Sending love and thanks your way~ <3
 
PetitPois

PetitPois

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 8, 2020
Messages
1,254
Location
Somewhere
You're welcome, I am glad it has helped. I know it is therapeutic writing our emotions down, and sometimes it literally spills out of us! So the release is a good feeling. But I agree, sometimes in our journals where it stays hidden, it just doesn't have the same effect. The connection with other people reading it gives a sense of sharing your burden.

You have picked a very good site with this forum. It is safe, friendly and the folks running it do a fantastic job :)
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Jun 16, 2020
Messages
5,337
Location
Norway
Hi GoGoGodzilla (love the name :)) welcome to the forum :welcome:
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
I Newbie Alert(Very very long post; 1000 words) Introduce Yourself 6
J Hi everyone, I'm a newbie Introduce Yourself 6
D Newbie Introduce Yourself 3
A I'm a newbie! Introduce Yourself 7
S Newbie struggling with severe intrusive thoughts. Introduce Yourself 5
J Hey newbie Introduce Yourself 7
Siggsy Newbie to forum. My medication has stopped working again! Introduce Yourself 10
Tallmadwoman Newbie here Introduce Yourself 5
F Newbie here Introduce Yourself 9
Beorn the Bear Hey, newbie here Introduce Yourself 8
A Newbie :) Introduce Yourself 7
W Newbie Introduce Yourself 5
L Hello! I'm a newbie here. Introduce Yourself 16
R Newbie here feeling anxious Introduce Yourself 4
Booksandwalks Newbie Introduce Yourself 6
G Newbie Introduce Yourself 6
M Newbie Introduce Yourself 9
KnownAsILKO Hi guys, I'm newbie here Introduce Yourself 3
C Newbie Introduce Yourself 5
A Hello, I am a newbie to the forum :) Introduce Yourself 4
R Newbie :-) Introduce Yourself 4
ParxSP Newbie here Introduce Yourself 9
lalune96 Hello there~ newbie present Introduce Yourself 2
F Newbie Introduce Yourself 8
L Hi everyone, I'm a newbie here, longing to exchange with humans who are going through similar situations. Introduce Yourself 6
M Newbie, please be kind lol Introduce Yourself 11
ColdandAlone Newbie Saying Hello Introduce Yourself 13
EverybodyHurts Newbie! Introduce Yourself 16
P Hi newbie here... Introduce Yourself 3
C Newbie and hello! Introduce Yourself 6
S Anxious Newbie Introduce Yourself 3
G Another newbie Introduce Yourself 1
T Another newbie Introduce Yourself 2
A Newbie Introduce Yourself 1
A Hello, I'm a total newbie Introduce Yourself 7
L Newbie trying to be 'social' Introduce Yourself 8
Romanqueen Newbie Introduce Yourself 6
S Newbie! Introduce Yourself 2
J Newbie here Introduce Yourself 5
K Newbie Introduce Yourself 2
M Newbie from Massachusetts Introduce Yourself 14
S Hi newbie here Introduce Yourself 10
B Newbie here Introduce Yourself 14
U Newbie to the forums Introduce Yourself 10
L Newbie - I hate being thin 😭 Introduce Yourself 8
L Hi I'm a newbie Introduce Yourself 9
O Newbie Introduce Yourself 1
G Newbie Introduce Yourself 5
J Hello. Newbie here! Introduce Yourself 4
L Hey Newbie Introduce Yourself 3

Similar threads

Top