New to this, don't know where to begin.

Melomaniac

Melomaniac

New member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
2
Location
England
Hi there,

Just thinking about where to start, I find this process difficult through trying to recall past experiences and specific events I have buried, while at the same time feeling like a fraud because for the longest time I had maintained the mantra of just sucking it up and getting on with things because other people have it far worse, and I would be taking help away from someone that deserves/needs it more,

Its not stuff I am proud to discuss, hindsight is a wonderful thing and while I can look back on it now and realize I probably should of done more about it, I was naive/stupid and young, and did not know any better.. as far as I was concerned this was just how things were.

May be a long one and I apologise for that.. alot of this is stuff I have never really sat and talked about before.

I live in England and growing up came from what I consider to be a decent home with good, honest parents, academically I did fine and sought to just keep my head down and get on with things, but I would put up with unprovoked/severe physical (and other forms of) bullying from primary school up to my final year of secondary.

One of my parents was ex-military (much love/respect for them) who installed in me a good morale compass and self-discipline, I was raised to stick up for myself/stand my ground but never to instigate. So it was not so much a case of not being able to take a knock/slap or bit of rough and tumble, as it was constantly fighting with people (multitudes of) not just peers but usually bigger/older kids, with even bigger/older friends outside of the school to contend with as a bonus.

For example ;

One of the worst things to happen in Primary was when I was about 10 I had my face/head smashed into the outside of a building, one of the only times staff intervened because it was at collection time, they were more concerned with chucking sand over the blood (other parents were collecting their kids) and I ended up in hospital for stitches/x-rays and dental work (I was back in the same week). Not long after I had a parent of one of those involved chase me through the school grounds, I also put up with grief from relatives/friends of those involved the rest of my time there.

Continued in secondary but it was a case of being on the wrong end of lopsided contests with people alot older/larger, in a system where you knew the pupils had parents either involved with the school administration/PTA, these were the kids out of 100's who got the places for everything going on (trips etc) and couldn't do wrong. Steady stream of fractured nose/ribs, all manner of cuts, back/knee injuries, had one occasion somebody managed to scratch my eye with a pencil and landed up wearing a patch for a time, should probably be thankful they didn't do more damage.

And I should probably also be grateful this was not the present time where most seem to have knives.

The non physical stuff was generally just a steady stream of abuse/threats against myself/family because I had a family member with complex/special educational needs, which was inappropriately disclosed at some point by the school even though they didn't even attend mainstream.

Worst thing was a group of them getting me terminated/suspended from the school altogether during my final year while I was actually away from the school on study leave preparing for GCSE's, I was aloud in to take the exams but got the results back later than I should had because they would not let me collect them.

I didn't know at the time that some of the same people had ended up in the same college as me, or had affiliates there, there was a nearby cafe a few of us would visit for lunch and to shoot pool. Luck would have it they actually tracked me down to this cafe, one of them struck me in the back of the head with a Cosh (an old fashioned, miniature Baton), which floored me as I didn't actually see it coming...and honestly the worst type of hit you can ever take is the one you don't see coming. I was booted by several while on the ground unconscious including in the mouth/face with toe capped boots.

I woke up covered in blood like somebody had thrown several buckets of paint over me/my clothing, I think I was probably in shock/not realizing how bad a state I was, because I did manage to take myself to hospital afterwards.

The time I needed to physically heal caused me to breach my contract of attendance with the college (wonderfully understanding they are) who in turn basically told me to go do one/not come back. This was the point where I decided maybe I should knock my academic aspirations on the head for now.

I had corrective surgery on my nose/face (small plate in cheek), number of broken teeth had to go, I looked after the ones left very well but years later as of writing am awaiting full extraction on the remaining ones because I have been in chronic pain with them for a few years (I have a few health issues because of the damage my joints have sustained)

I wasn't yet quite 18 but hit the ground running and quickly found work when well enough to, however I had got to where aside from this venture I would not leave the house and had disconnected from the few friends I had (including a romantic relationship made during college), what had been done to me was emasculating, I felt ashamed for it, but also lost my faith in people as nobody else present actually spoke up/out against the people responsible and no action was taken against them (police, nada).

I feel like a small part of me died on that floor and am told by the small number of family/family friends left that have known me over the years the event changed me. People talk about happy moments in their lives, chunks of my younger life are a blank and I can't actually remember a time I was truly happy/without worry, in contrast I feel like on the inside I am screaming, yet can't recall a time I actually cried, even when I wanted to.

Aside from the job (was standard enough) I ran a small but lucrative/legit media business from home, this was around the dot com bubble, it meant I could help family with the bills while also preparing for my own independence, I'd managed to achieve that for a time and was doing fine, but a few years in I was keeping myself afloat, while also taking on increasing amounts of responsibility from home and following an non serious (unpleasant still) accident at work where I got hurt, it seemed to unearth alot of this stuff because I had some sort of burnout/breakdown experience and just shut down completely, resigning my position in months to come.

In the present I'm in my late 30's, I've done other jobs since but I folded the business when the recession came, I was careful with money and own my home. I have had a difficult time coming to terms with several close family passing away in recent years, especially my father (he was not that old and it was sudden), I also now have family members living under my roof who I care and am responsible for, which is both immensely exhausting but which I could not live with myself if I sat by and did nowt, even if this country acts like it, it is nobodies fault for getting ill or being born poorly.

I have a compelling sense of social justice and aside from my academic woes a lengthy list of qualifications, I had tried to build my confidence/sense of self worth by helping others in the voluntary sector (such as CAB) and gradually befriended some people there, a few of the volunteers were part of a parenting club for parents of children with ASD, and they had been trying to encourage me to see a psychiatrist specialising in aspergers diagnostics, they also gave me some online material (and number of tests such as Ritvo), one colleague who I grew close to and dated for a time also suggested something along the same lines. The square peg in a round hole analogy did resonate with me.

I sometimes have flashbacks, where I am reliving parts of things which happened to me like I am physically there, particularly when I am in bed. I don't sleep more than 1/2 hours at a time and when I do I'll have horrible dreams and wake up out of breath like someone has their hands on my throat. My anxiety/stress levels are through the roof. Physically I have psoriasis/psoriatic arthritis, fibromyalgia diagnosis but don't get any treatment for them. There was mention of PTSD by my dr some years back but I never pursued it. I have no drink/drug history, I won't even touch pain remedies.

I'm fearful of trying to get help because I worry through a contempt of labels the family would be broken up even though I am doing a good job. Society loves to stigmatize. I know eventually because of their health my family won't be around much longer, I don't see a future for myself beyond any of this. I'm so tired its indescribable.

I have probably missed something out because its late, and I am sorry this turned into a long ranty mess
Just thought I would add.. the name is another word for music enthusiast, my hands have gotten so bad I can't really play guitar or other instruments well anymore but generally if I'm browsing I'll have some tunes on, so long as its not pop, or rap.. I would rather use a cheese grater on my wobbly bits.
 
Melomaniac

Melomaniac

New member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
2
Location
England
Regarding things missed out (I cannot find an "edit" button)

One of the worst things is my family never knew (and really still do not know) the extent of what was going on, they knew I had troubles in education, but we were bought up to be as self reliant as possible because of poor health of other family members, and in reality the odd occasion the family took issue up with the school for instance, they were met by closed ranked and denial.

I never got to really talk to my father about any of this before he passed as the situation came about so rapidly, which is a deep personal regret as got on even better in his later years.
 
Mountain violet

Mountain violet

New member
Joined
Feb 9, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Devon
Wow. What an incredible and eloquent post. Thank you for sharing. I felt every sentence of what you wrote as if I was there with you. I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to endure.
 
L

Lora

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2019
Messages
89
Location
United Kingdom
Hi I have a family member who has had similar experiences to yours throughout his educational life regarding bullying and it has left him with PTSD. The doctor recommended a weighted blanket which has helped him a lot.
 
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