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new to the forum; recovering from psychotic episodes manic depressive and schizofreniform

K

kirby

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Dec 13, 2014
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new to the forum; recovering from psychotic episodes manic depressive and schizofreniform

I'm supposed to be getting better but I get flashbacks where the entire social and divine world including nature is conspiring against me
I was Hospitalized after spending a few months jumping from city to city paranoid and delusional, "researching" every word that came out of people's mouths until I lost all my friends and contacts and was just roaming streets for days searching for a meaning and following signs given to me by strangers and traffic signs and car signals.*

I eventually relented, exhausted, lost and dirty, I contacted my parents after almost 2 years and was shortly admitted to the hospital. The next morning I was still rambling and one nights sleep didn't seem to fix me. I was escorted by 2 police officers and held down by 3 security gaurds to be injected.*

I spent my hospitalization period running in circles around the place literally, jonesing for a cigarette and being played with by the staff. I slowly gained privileges and fought for my release while *documenting a plethora of *complicated "codes" that I was making up as I spotted patters in everything. I left the hospital determined I could read minds and so could others and there was some big secret the whole world was trying to keep away from me. I've been on antisychotics and mood stabilizers for my third month and I'm still struggling with some post traumatic stress from some of the stuff I experienced while homeless for 2 years. I'm not allowed to work or go back to school yet and I'm being followed up with regularly. They keep telling me I need to get better but as far as I'm concerned the world just creates new codes as the old ones are discovered and my mind still tries desperately to find those patterns.*

Other then that I'm just wasting away trying to keep myself busy day by day. I regret leaving home and school for the streets and can't understand the state of mind that made me do it. I might do it over again if given the chance and that scares me. How off am I really? It still rings in my head that I'm obviously "off" and it's so damningly obvious that I can be taken advantage of easily. It's all so confusing. I can't rest.*
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Welcome to the forum.
I'm really sorry to hear of your struggles. It sounds like you've been on quite a journey with your mental health, and the healing process is barely beginning.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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Sorry to hear all this that you've been going through kirby, it sounds very traumatic. Welcome to the forum, I hope it helps to have somewhere to talk about these experiences, hopefully there'll be people along who have been through similar things. I hope things can start to feel calmer for you, and you can get a rest from all this going on in your head.
 
K

kirby

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Dec 13, 2014
Messages
8
Thank you. I'm glad to be among people who understand
 
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