T
TheSunWillShine
New member
Hi everyone,
I'm a little anxious being on here. It feels scary opening up to you all! I am feeling ashamed of my behaviour today. It's not serious SH that draws blood, but I know I am still disrespecting myself in what I do. I am hoping the signs of my SH don't show up on my face as I have a work meeting tomorrow. This will make me find an excuse not to go or I'll feel even more ashamed. I am annoyed at myself and feel even more self-loathing because I havn't acted on SH in about 5 weeks. I really thought my mental health was getting better. But my bf helpfully described recovery is more a wiggly line than a straight one. I usually have impulses to take unpleasant emotions out on myself- most often what feels like anger. I can't seem to control this sometimes- it's like I get taken over by someone else/another part of me I can't control and before I know it in a split second I have self-harmed. Sometimes I will try to take out my feelings on something external as opposed to myself- I've successfully broken a mobile, my work laptop and a glass water bottle. Perhaps I need a punch bag?! If I wasn't so self conscious about the thin floorboards and the landlady above me, I'd scream a lot more into my pillow! I have managed to take myself for a run when I feel like this a couple times (really hard), but the endorphins only offset the impulses for a short time. Living with my bf can be triggering, where old patterns surface from an old unhealthy relationship. My self-worth is so low. I can't feel happy for my bf or anyone around me, feel totally demotivated for work (have had to take a mental health day today) and uninterested in everything. I feel like a fun sponge. I am looking to find a therapist as I'm worried my mental health will jeopardise my relationship. Thank you for listening!
My thoughts are with you all... sending virtual hugs
I'm a little anxious being on here. It feels scary opening up to you all! I am feeling ashamed of my behaviour today. It's not serious SH that draws blood, but I know I am still disrespecting myself in what I do. I am hoping the signs of my SH don't show up on my face as I have a work meeting tomorrow. This will make me find an excuse not to go or I'll feel even more ashamed. I am annoyed at myself and feel even more self-loathing because I havn't acted on SH in about 5 weeks. I really thought my mental health was getting better. But my bf helpfully described recovery is more a wiggly line than a straight one. I usually have impulses to take unpleasant emotions out on myself- most often what feels like anger. I can't seem to control this sometimes- it's like I get taken over by someone else/another part of me I can't control and before I know it in a split second I have self-harmed. Sometimes I will try to take out my feelings on something external as opposed to myself- I've successfully broken a mobile, my work laptop and a glass water bottle. Perhaps I need a punch bag?! If I wasn't so self conscious about the thin floorboards and the landlady above me, I'd scream a lot more into my pillow! I have managed to take myself for a run when I feel like this a couple times (really hard), but the endorphins only offset the impulses for a short time. Living with my bf can be triggering, where old patterns surface from an old unhealthy relationship. My self-worth is so low. I can't feel happy for my bf or anyone around me, feel totally demotivated for work (have had to take a mental health day today) and uninterested in everything. I feel like a fun sponge. I am looking to find a therapist as I'm worried my mental health will jeopardise my relationship. Thank you for listening!
My thoughts are with you all... sending virtual hugs
