New to BPD

[Ziltoid]

Hi there. 37 years old from Norwich. Just been diagnosed with bpd and I still can't process it. Would explain why I feel and act this way.

Been single for just under 2 years as my ex fiancée decided one day to tell me on the phone that she didn't love me and wanted to leave me THEN turned into a complete ****. It broke me, then in the space of 3 months lost my benefits (got them back again but still), a (now ex) mate went missing (found though) and my grandad died suddenly (couldn't even say goodbye). I snapped. Last year (the worst year of my life) is just a blur to me.

Earlier this year, I had the worst borderline rage, shamefully aimed at my parents. I love my parents, especially my Mum. I can't remember only snippets of what happened but the highlights (apparently) were:
* Walking out of my parents house with no shoes on trying to walk back home and not caring if I got hit by a car.
* Foaming at the mouth in anger.
* Threatening to kill my Dad.
* Had a face "filled with pure rage" according to my Mum.
* Flipping from rage to hysterical crying in seconds.
* Calling my parents all the names under the Sun.
* Threatening to stab myself with my pen knife (Mum had to grab it when I accidentally dropped it).

I am so ashamed of this. Although I know it wasn't me, from my parents point of view, it was their only child acting like this. They have repeatedly told me that they knew it wasn't me, but they shouldn't have to deal with me being like that.

Also, one of my neighbours has it in for me (other people have noticed so I know its not just me being paranoid). Every time, and I mean EVERY time he sees me, he looks at me and laughs. This prat wears a body cam so he can record people he deliberately winds up. Unfortunately for me, during summer lockdown, he did it on the wrong day.

Was feeling horrible as I was missing my family and friends, so decided to chill out on the steps in front of the building (live in a studio apartment with no garden) as it was hot and my apartment was roasting. He walks past me, shakes his head and laughs so I can hear it (he was about 5m away).

Now this is where things get a little hazy.

According to my neighbour, he heard shouting (from me), looked out of the window and ran downstairs. He then got between me and this **** as it looked like I was going to floor him and forced me back indoors (don't know how he did it, as he's about 5ft 10 and skinny, whilst I'm 6ft 4 and morbidly obese (really hate that term)). I honestly can't remember much about it. All I know that it was in front of a busy pub (they had just reopened) and this absolute a**e got it all on his bodycam.

Now I fear going outside as I don't know what i'll do if he does again. Been managing to go for walks but I'm constantly looking around, praying that I don't see him. Been telling my GP and (VERY new) social worker, but all they say is "...but you didn't hit him". I know that, I just don't want to get arrested or that will be it for me. I'd just be another statistic (which is exactly how I feel). Another "mental" person found dead in his cell. I'm sick of it.

Wow. I really opened up there. Don't know what else to say really. Lockdown has not helped in the slightest. Anyway, stay safe you guys x

 

[bpd2020]

Hello and welcome to the forum. Like you, I felt a relief to have my diagnosis. It is good to hear you have a GP and social worker supporting you.

 

[Iamincontrol]

Sounds like you need some trauma therapy with so many things happening and some meditation and mindfulness to help you, see what is out there for you ask your doctor and social worker and I hope things get better for you

 

[Ifinallyknowwhy]

Hi there. 37 years old from Norwich. Just been diagnosed with bpd and I still can't process it. Would explain why I feel and act this way.

Been single for just under 2 years as my ex fiancée decided one day to tell me on the phone that she didn't love me and wanted to leave me THEN turned into a complete ****. It broke me, then in the space of 3 months lost my benefits (got them back again but still), a (now ex) mate went missing (found though) and my grandad died suddenly (couldn't even say goodbye). I snapped. Last year (the worst year of my life) is just a blur to me.

Earlier this year, I had the worst borderline rage, shamefully aimed at my parents. I love my parents, especially my Mum. I can't remember only snippets of what happened but the highlights (apparently) were:
* Walking out of my parents house with no shoes on trying to walk back home and not caring if I got hit by a car.
* Foaming at the mouth in anger.
* Threatening to kill my Dad.
* Had a face "filled with pure rage" according to my Mum.
* Flipping from rage to hysterical crying in seconds.
* Calling my parents all the names under the Sun.
* Threatening to stab myself with my pen knife (Mum had to grab it when I accidentally dropped it).

I am so ashamed of this. Although I know it wasn't me, from my parents point of view, it was their only child acting like this. They have repeatedly told me that they knew it wasn't me, but they shouldn't have to deal with me being like that.

Also, one of my neighbours has it in for me (other people have noticed so I know its not just me being paranoid). Every time, and I mean EVERY time he sees me, he looks at me and laughs. This prat wears a body cam so he can record people he deliberately winds up. Unfortunately for me, during summer lockdown, he did it on the wrong day.

Was feeling horrible as I was missing my family and friends, so decided to chill out on the steps in front of the building (live in a studio apartment with no garden) as it was hot and my apartment was roasting. He walks past me, shakes his head and laughs so I can hear it (he was about 5m away).

Now this is where things get a little hazy.

According to my neighbour, he heard shouting (from me), looked out of the window and ran downstairs. He then got between me and this **** as it looked like I was going to floor him and forced me back indoors (don't know how he did it, as he's about 5ft 10 and skinny, whilst I'm 6ft 4 and morbidly obese (really hate that term)). I honestly can't remember much about it. All I know that it was in front of a busy pub (they had just reopened) and this absolute a**e got it all on his bodycam.

Now I fear going outside as I don't know what i'll do if he does again. Been managing to go for walks but I'm constantly looking around, praying that I don't see him. Been telling my GP and (VERY new) social worker, but all they say is "...but you didn't hit him". I know that, I just don't want to get arrested or that will be it for me. I'd just be another statistic (which is exactly how I feel). Another "mental" person found dead in his cell. I'm sick of it.

Wow. I really opened up there. Don't know what else to say really. Lockdown has not helped in the slightest. Anyway, stay safe you guys x

Lockdown...... ugh the beginning to my new beginning and the beginning of the end of my 28 year fantasy world....
sometimes I’d rather be ignorant and keep some bliss at least. Now it’s just an u fair and ugly ass world full of disappointments - including myself and the relationships I’ve ever thought I tried.

 

[WhySoSerious]

Hi there. 37 years old from Norwich. Just been diagnosed with bpd and I still can't process it. Would explain why I feel and act this way.

Been single for just under 2 years as my ex fiancée decided one day to tell me on the phone that she didn't love me and wanted to leave me THEN turned into a complete ****. It broke me, then in the space of 3 months lost my benefits (got them back again but still), a (now ex) mate went missing (found though) and my grandad died suddenly (couldn't even say goodbye). I snapped. Last year (the worst year of my life) is just a blur to me.

Earlier this year, I had the worst borderline rage, shamefully aimed at my parents. I love my parents, especially my Mum. I can't remember only snippets of what happened but the highlights (apparently) were:
* Walking out of my parents house with no shoes on trying to walk back home and not caring if I got hit by a car.
* Foaming at the mouth in anger.
* Threatening to kill my Dad.
* Had a face "filled with pure rage" according to my Mum.
* Flipping from rage to hysterical crying in seconds.
* Calling my parents all the names under the Sun.
* Threatening to stab myself with my pen knife (Mum had to grab it when I accidentally dropped it).

I am so ashamed of this. Although I know it wasn't me, from my parents point of view, it was their only child acting like this. They have repeatedly told me that they knew it wasn't me, but they shouldn't have to deal with me being like that.

Also, one of my neighbours has it in for me (other people have noticed so I know its not just me being paranoid). Every time, and I mean EVERY time he sees me, he looks at me and laughs. This prat wears a body cam so he can record people he deliberately winds up. Unfortunately for me, during summer lockdown, he did it on the wrong day.

Was feeling horrible as I was missing my family and friends, so decided to chill out on the steps in front of the building (live in a studio apartment with no garden) as it was hot and my apartment was roasting. He walks past me, shakes his head and laughs so I can hear it (he was about 5m away).

Now this is where things get a little hazy.

According to my neighbour, he heard shouting (from me), looked out of the window and ran downstairs. He then got between me and this **** as it looked like I was going to floor him and forced me back indoors (don't know how he did it, as he's about 5ft 10 and skinny, whilst I'm 6ft 4 and morbidly obese (really hate that term)). I honestly can't remember much about it. All I know that it was in front of a busy pub (they had just reopened) and this absolute a**e got it all on his bodycam.

Now I fear going outside as I don't know what i'll do if he does again. Been managing to go for walks but I'm constantly looking around, praying that I don't see him. Been telling my GP and (VERY new) social worker, but all they say is "...but you didn't hit him". I know that, I just don't want to get arrested or that will be it for me. I'd just be another statistic (which is exactly how I feel). Another "mental" person found dead in his cell. I'm sick of it.

Wow. I really opened up there. Don't know what else to say really. Lockdown has not helped in the slightest. Anyway, stay safe you guys x

Hi.

So glad you were able to open up and tell us what has been going on for you! So many people find it hard so well done for giving it a go, especially on such a public forum. I am unsure whether you are asking a specific question or just wanting to tell someone about your experience.

I will provide a few ideas here if you don't mind. Once again I always caveat what I say with the fact it comes from a compassionate place but I also want to be honest and open.

The part I have bolded I found quite interesting. I am wondering whether your parents are inadvertently enabling or reinforcing behaviour that isn't effective? There should be a very strong aversive consequence to those actions but it sounds like they almost minimise or dismiss your past behaviour and I wonder what that is about?

Our behaviours ARE part of us, no matter how much we try to minimise it and say we weren't in our right frame of mind. I have been in a similar position to you in the past and feel a great deal of shame and guilt around it. These memory glitches are in-built because when we are highly emotional our thinking brain turns off, it is not needed to fight/flight or freeze. That said these amnesia type behaviours (a phrase a therapist would use) may also be a way of avoiding facing painful things we are ashamed of.

I guess the best way forward is to acknowledge that we need to try harder whilst ALSO noting that we are trying our best in any given moment. What can you do to plan for and "cope ahead" if another situation surfaces again in the future? What do you need to make things less likely for another explosion? Because the fact is you may well be faced with another instance because people are arseholes to us a lot of the time!

good luck!