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New, Scared & Confused

E

esinclair

New member
Joined
Apr 9, 2015
Messages
1
Hi all.

I'm in the middle of a bit of a crisis right now. I don't really know where to begin. This may be kinda tl;dr for which I apologize in advance.

I'm 26. Between the ages of 16 and 22, I spent a lot of time with psychiatrists & counselors (a few times in hospitals) trying to determine what was going on with me. Half the time I was there against my will and almost all of the time I was unable to express my experience. I would try, but the words wouldn't come. I've always been very polite and when I'm in formal situations, I always find myself trying to tell people what I think they want to hear. I don't try to do this, but its so engrained.

I was always depressed and anxious but at 19, I had a full blown (drug-induced) manic state. I was convinced I had experienced, in its purity, the mystical core of everything. Everything seemed charged with hidden significance. I had to tell everyone. I was euphoric, often, but there was always a deep, queasy, sense of flashing back to the experience, of being on the cusp of something too real. I was happy, kind of, but also always on edge. Really on edge.

And then I crashed: I spent 2 1/2 years in a deep, psychotic depression, alternating between living with my mom or living with my dad. I would half-believe things like e.g. that I had committed some terrible atrocity and my whole life was a hallucination meant to protect me from remembering it. Or that I was some mythical being like lucifer or prometheus who was being punished through an endless series of unbearable reincarnations. Or that i had killed myself once and was given another chance, in a slightly harder life, to not kill myself. But that I done this thousands of times and each time would be harder.

I never was convinced of these ideas. They would just suddenly pop up and I'd think about them and they'd fester. "They're crazy thoughts", I'd tell myself, "but I mean it's possible."

Certainly, then, I have bipolar, and that's what I'd been diagnosed with. But bipolar is only one half of the equation and once I'd gotten that diagnosis that's all any psychiatrist could see. And the other stuff is just as painful. It's not being able to cope with the other stuff which eventually triggers the bipolar (which has just happened, for the first time in 4 years. I'd been stupid enough to convince myself I was ok. I know that I'm not.)

The other stuff is like this: Constant, debilitating anxiety. But There's always something that anxiety will be focused on. My clothes don't fit right. My head is shaped wrong. Always something trivial, but always somehow, for me, incredibly significant. Almost all I can think about is that problem. What this means is almost all my thoughts cluster around this one thing and make it very difficult to focus on anything else. Social situations are almost impossible. I can't think of anything to say, I feel like everyone else can feel how weird and fucked up I am. When I'm stuck in one of these obsessions, I become convinced that resolving it will allow me to enter the social currents everyone else seems to inhabit. But sometimes the specific obsession goes away and the anxiety remains. I can make conversation but I can feel how hollow it sounds as it comes out. I feel so lonely, a million miles from everyone else.

There are times when this goes away and I'm relatively social, engaging, humorous, but they're very rare.

So now, I've just moved, no longer living with the friend I lived with for 3 years, who helped me get back on my feet, to the point where I have a job and am attending school. But I'm in a mixed manic state and I can barely keep it together. I feel like i have no identity, my self-image changes constantly. There's a tingling to my whole body that starts minutes after waking. I can barely focus enough to get dressed. I've gone from straight As to barely muddling through class, my work performance is slipping. I've been forcing myself not to withdraw from my friends entirely, because I know how dangerous it is to leave myself with my thoughts, but I can feel myself dragging down every social gathering. I have this overwhelming urge the whole time to leave, but whenever I'm alone I feel an overwhelming NEED to be around people. I don't feel like a real person. I've become paranoid that everyone secretly hates me and feels like I'm a burden. I want to kill myself everyday but don't because I'm too unfocused to put together a plan, and too scared of death. I can't become hospitalized because I can't afford it, not the hospitalization, not the money for school. I don't know what to do. I'm super scared and confused.

Any help (from anyone whos read this far) is greatly appreciated.
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 1, 2014
Messages
3,652
Location
here
:welcome: esinclair to the forum.

I have just scanned your message and wanted to write a proper reply back soon.

Just to say welcome and i hope you find others who can support you.

With love,
Autumnal
 
Kerome

Kerome

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,750
Location
Europe
Hi and :welcome:

Wow that's quite some story. It sounds like you're on the edge of a complex set of multiple disorders, which is something that's notoriously difficult to cope with or heal. Perhaps it will pass in time, but it could take a long while. In the meantime, maybe you'd be well advised to teach yourself sobriety and coping skills. The more you can learn to keep that excessive internal energy from bubbling over into anxiety or mania, the better. Mindfulness would probably help some, as would a strong physical skill like dance or tai chi.

Lots of people get by just putting one foot in front of the other, trying to see the world as it is without internally speculating about people or things. Maybe this is something that can be learnt, my time at an anthroposophical day centre suggests that maybe it can. And probably as you get older this will get easier, the energy of youth kind of gives way to something more calm.

Wishing you all the best :hug:
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Hello and :welcome:

I'm so sorry you're struggling like this. It must be so difficult to deal with a disorder like bipolar. I hope you're in close contact with therapists so you can monitor and treat any developments in your mood and mental state.

As Kerome said, I would suggest learning mindfulness exercises and breathing techniques to combat your anxiety. Hopefully you'll be able to successfully reprogramme your mind in that sense and lessen these anxious feelings.

I don't really have any specific advice as I have no experience of bipolar, but I want to wish you the best and I hope you can start to feel better soon.
 
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