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New relationship has pushed me back down again

S

stressederic75

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Dec 14, 2020
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Could really do with a chat/some positive vibes.

I've had depression on and off for years, was on sertraline for about 6 then doctor weaned me off a few weeks ago. Since then I've been feeling increasingly irritable, low and tearful, and my most recent relationship experience has really pushed me into a dark place.

Some history - I spent 6 years with a very abusive partner who nearly destroyed my life. Very long story and this probably isn't the place, but it was bad, and what caused me to go on anti depressants in the first place. I left that relationship a few years ago and have been wary of relationships since, not least because I wanted to focus on my daughter who is now 18. A few weeks ago a friend encouraged me to try a dating app (bad idea!) and I met someone who seemed really genuine. On the first date he told me he has bipolar, that wasn't a problem. We got on great, he was really keen, calling me every night and treating me well. if anything he was a bit full on and I was cautious, but he was still respectful and nothing physical happened between us (mainly because of lockdown and lack of opportunities!) We went for dinner a couple of weeks ago and he referred to himself as my boyfriend, sent me a text when he got home, all seemed good. Then the next day I suggested we should be in each other's support bubbles so we could go to each other's houses, and that seemed to be the moment that changed everything. Seemed ok at first but that night was the first night he didn't call. Then the next day he said he was "having a wobble" and would be in touch when he felt better.

I spent a week worrying about him, thinking he was in a depressive state with his bipolar. I tried to give him space but just sent a couple of "checking in" messages, which he again responded to saying I was "a really special person" and he'd be in touch. Another week passed and total radio silence. I tried to research as much as I could about bipolar so I knew how to support him, being mindful of space, but the longer it went the more paranoid I became. Last night I suddenly had a gut feeling to check the dating site we'd met on, to find he'd been active within the past 24 hours and uploaded loads of new photos, including some he'd sent to me over the past couple of weeks. By this point I was a combination of upset, confused and angry, and sent him a message asking to know what was going on - which he of course ignored. This then sent my mind in a spiral of basically madness, and I sent about 20 other messages, all read and all ignored. Because my abusive ex would ignore me for weeks on end as part of his tactics, this has triggered me beyond belief. I know feel all those feelings I had before, all about not being good enough, and I don't know what to do to dig myself out of this.

I don't really know what advice I'm looking for, but it would be great if someone could remind me this will get better
 
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Zoe1

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hi stressederic

I think you are putting too many expectations
on your romantic relationship

but it was bad, and what caused me to go on anti depressants in the first place
that is a heavy number to lay at your partners feet
I could say I had some bad relationships which caused me harm
but did they really ? like I had those issues already in me
and were not caused by that person

you need to have other friends in your life
so that you don't have all your eggs in one basket


:grouphug: 🕯🎄
 
S

stressederic75

Member
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Dec 14, 2020
Messages
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Location
London
It was pretty bad, I was physically abused and even tortured, subjected to a great deal of emotional abuse, quite common to get depressed over something like that.

But yes I get your point otherwise and I definitely expect too much from relationships
 
Z

Zoe1

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n yeah, well sorry to hear that
I have had stuff like that

just in therapy I discovered that I had issues
that went further back
 
A

Alone and scared

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What you are describing is stonewalling. It is so cruel and is emotional torture. He is scared of intimacy I guess, but he could at least have told you that. Leaving you without any contact is so painful and frustrating. Try to tell yourself you’ve had a lucky escape
 
S

stressederic75

Member
Joined
Dec 14, 2020
Messages
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Location
London
What you are describing is stonewalling. It is so cruel and is emotional torture. He is scared of intimacy I guess, but he could at least have told you that. Leaving you without any contact is so painful and frustrating. Try to tell yourself you’ve had a lucky escape
Thanks, yes that's how I see it and I'm just so shocked as really wasn't expecting it from him. I would have been fine with being dumped as it was so early into the relationship, it's the complete lack of explanation/closure that hurts so much. The last time I saw him I brushed his hand as I was putting my coat on and he jumped out of his skin, so can only assume it's a fear of physical contact but even if that was the case, I would have been ok about it. Anyway, can't keep second guessing him or trying to work out what happened, just got to move on. Thanks for understanding :)
 
IcyShadow

IcyShadow

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Jan 12, 2020
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I'm real sorry to hear what you've been through with your previous partner, that was horrific. Then, going through what you have recently too. I have recently been messed about with someone who came back into my life, and it kick statred the darkness to return.
I hope things go well for you, and you find someone who'll give you the happiness you truly deserve.
 
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