New member

[moodylittlecow]

Hi everyone This is all very new to me so please excuse me if i rabble on or dont even say much come to think of it I have suffered from depression (i believe) from an early age Various drs etc believe its down to the abuse I suffered as a child. I believe that obviously has something to do with my mental state but I have been screaming at them for years its something else-I dont fit in anywhere I dont know who I am My brain does not work like other peoples I have an amazing boyfriend who puts up with all my nonsense which unfortunately has culminated in my daughter-the one thing that kept me going everyday in leaving home
Unfortunately this has left me spiralling out of control Drinking and medication binges -stuff I know is wrong but if I go to the dr he will take away my medication and this is all I feel keeps me on this earth at times
I went to visit a friend last week and she said I was almost unrecognisable she had worked in a family centre and felt I should look into bipolar disorder-she had dealings with women who were diagnosed I told her I could not talk to my dr as the other side of me comes out and brushes under the carpet the true reason for my visit I have had anti-depressants in the past unfortunately a lot made me drousy or more depressed so I took myself off of them telling my councellor and dr I felt fine
I hope to find some help or at least others who feel like me

 

[unlucky]

Hiya moody and welcome to the forum, I'm sure you'll find some help on here as there are a wide variety of people with a wide variety of illnesses!! I'm not bi-polar myself but I would say that its really important that you talk to your doc about how you are feeling, maybe even write things down when you can and take your notes to the doc so that you're not actually having to tell him. I hope you find some help on here

 

[moodylittlecow]

Thanks its very difficult to pluck up the courage to go to docs as I feel I have done so many times My partner wanted to take me to hospital a couple of weeks ago because I got so bad he was scared to leave me alone The thing is I have told my mum how I feel and she says I have to be more positive If she does not take me seriously who will

 

[unlucky]

God, don't talk to me about parents!! They are from a different generation where mental illness was just brushed under the carpet or people were locked away never to see the light of day again!! Don't take any notice of your mothers reaction, mine is always telling me I just need to make more of an effort or to pull myself together (like I'm a pair of curtains!!). I tried to kill myself a few years back and my mums reaction was, what would I have told the neighbours!!!

 

[moodylittlecow]

Sounds about right Apparently this is "one area you take after your father" was one that was thrown at me years ago I have nothing whatsoever to do with him but its just because he was a lousy dad not for mh reasons
I think about killing myself every day but if I do it I want to do it properly- I dont want to have to explain why I "tried" Then there is the guilt I would not want to have to tell my other half why he was "not enough to keep me from doing it" He is wonderful and nothing is too much trouble and I really dont deserve him he certainly does not deserve what i put him through on a daily basis

 

[unlucky]

I've been there and I've got nothing but sympathy for you, but the thing you've got to remember is that you CAN get through this. When I feel like that I always think nothings going to get any better but then a few months down the line I wonder how I could even have thought of it. I really think its imperative that you get to see your doctor because you don't have to be feeling like this. I'll not say the doctors got a miracle cure because unfortunately they haven't but its the first step to getting better.

 

[moodylittlecow]

This probably sounds really selfish but I dont want to get through it because I know all this is going to happen again it always does Unfortunately I just get more angry at myself each time for not learning from the last episode I am so tired of fighting and fighting for what exactly? To feel better for life to improve Thing is my life/lifestyle has improved but I just feel worse I dont understand Thank you tho for your kind words

 

[*Sapphire*]

Hi Moody and to the forum.

I hope you find the site supportive and friendly. Sometimes just writing down your worries and finding some understanding and support here can bring a huge relief.

Take care
Sapphire