New member

[Mulder91]

Hi.
I'm a new member on here and thought I would introduce myself.
I have been struggling with clinical depression and anxiety for many years now. It first started in 2009 when my grandfather died. We were very close and he was like a father to me.
It didn't start getting really bad until around 2012-ish though, when I just shut myself down and cut myself off from everyone and everything. I left school without finishing properly and didn't go outside for weeks at a time, staying in my room and binge eating.
I also developed a self-harm addiction which has left me with scars all over my arm.
I knew I was depressed but I was reluctant to get help for fear of being turned away so I suffered in silence for nearly two years.
When I finally did get help (at my mum's urging) I was prescribed antidepressants and I rather naively thought they would maybe be like a miracle cure and I ended up taking an overdose which landed me in hospital (this was late 2014-ish).
Then in June 2016 i just woke up one morning and felt like I couldn't go on any more and took another overdose, and I had to go to hospital and stay overnight which was a traumatic experience.
I am now on two different antidepressants and an anti anxiety medication and they make me feel like I can just about function.
I turned 29 last week and I am plagued with constant thoughts that I have just wasted my life, thrown it all away because I let this cruel illness take over my mind and control my life. I hate myself for being so self pitying and have zero self esteem due to body image issues (my binge eating has caused me to gain a lot of weight) and I hate that I have thrown so much of my life away feeling sorry for myself.
It is just so hard to go day to day when you have intrusive thoughts of suicide and self harm, and I really just needed to talk with someone, anyone in the same situation.

 

[Hana26]

Welcome x
You seem to have a lot on your plate, you're in the right place to talk about how you feel.
Anti depressants can be effective but it takes the right dosage and the right type in order to rebalance your brain so it takes a few trials. Don't give up on hope, 29 is very very young and everything is still possible x

 

[UpnDwn1978]

Hi Mulder, welcome to the forum

There are a lot of friendly and helpful people here on the forum you might want to check out the Depression and Self harm sections of the forum to find people with similar experiences there's also the Mental health experiences section where you can discuss all sorts of mental health issues. If you just want to hang out and chat about non-mental health stuff we also have a Chill out section for more light-hearted topics. Take care and best wishes.

M

 

[jajingna]

Hi and welcome

 

[SlowlyUnravels]

Hey, you have been through a lot. It's not easy to live through those intrusive negative thoughts and yet... you're here, fighting. You're strong and still have a whole life ahead of you, nothing's wasted! You've just been struggling for a long time. Welcome aboard

 

[bpd2020]

Hello Mulder. Welcome to the forum.

 

[JessisMe]

Welcome to the forums! xo, j

 

[Mulder91]

Thank you everybody for the kind words. I'm just really kind of a mess at the moment, taking it one day at a time. Finding things to distract myself; I love to read (graphic novels and books) and I've been sleeping loads. Plus I have a dog I absolutely adore and take her out for walks. But life is hard.

 

[dovah1024]

Thank you everybody for the kind words. I'm just really kind of a mess at the moment, taking it one day at a time. Finding things to distract myself; I love to read (graphic novels and books) and I've been sleeping loads. Plus I have a dog I absolutely adore and take her out for walks. But life is hard.

Hi Mulder!

Life is definitely hard, especially right now. There has been so many disruptions that I constantly feel as though a rug is being pulled from underneath my feet. Distractions are always helpful to pull our mind away from harmful thoughts (and so are dogs ).

Have you ever tried mindfulness? It's a really neat concept that helps direct attention away from worries and focuses our mind inwards. One thing I have found helpful when I am having a panic attack or thoughts of self-harm is to rub an ice cube on my wrist or neck and focus on the sensation. It usually helps calm me down. It also gives a sense of discomfort that sometimes helps with the desire for pain/self-harm without actually harming ourselves.

If you ever need to talk, you are always welcome to reach out! And welcome to the forum

Dovah

 

[Mulder91]

Hi Mulder!

Life is definitely hard, especially right now. There has been so many disruptions that I constantly feel as though a rug is being pulled from underneath my feet. Distractions are always helpful to pull our mind away from harmful thoughts (and so are dogs ).

Have you ever tried mindfulness? It's a really neat concept that helps direct attention away from worries and focuses our mind inwards. One thing I have found helpful when I am having a panic attack or thoughts of self-harm is to rub an ice cube on my wrist or neck and focus on the sensation. It usually helps calm me down. It also gives a sense of discomfort that sometimes helps with the desire for pain/self-harm without actually harming ourselves.

If you ever need to talk, you are always welcome to reach out! And welcome to the forum

Dovah

sorry for the late reply. Thank you. I haven't tried the ice cube thing but I did try with an elastic band, but it didn't really help much, just didn't work for me.
I have tried mindfulness, started with my most recent therapist a few months back, but to a honest I've just kind of been not bothered with anything lately, just kind of like a zombie.