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klopptinho

New member
Joined
Oct 26, 2018
Messages
1
Hi,

Just feel like i am stuck . I'm unsure if i am ill . I have moments when i have thoughts and visions of me injuring myself. I tense up my whole body for a few seconds to get rid of those thoughts .

Some days i am full of energy and i want to do things at hyper speed or obsessively like posting on football forums or just generally entertaining people and making them happy even if that means ridiculing myself .

but the days which are becoming more frequent are those dwelling on the past and regrets and i am having far fewer 'high' moments . I gamble online even though i am self excluded and basically just giving away my money with no chance to win. I think that i am trying to create new memories to stop me thinking about the distant past so much .

Happy memories don't appear to stick .

i started to drink when i was about 11 or 12 and became reliant upon that to speak to people for many years but 2007 i was befriend by a group of people who learnt were setting me up so that a couple of their friends could beat me up . The few months previous to that i had overdosed 3 times and even though i knew these people were setting me up i allowed it to happen .

what happened next was i became a complete recluse and conversed only in chat rooms . Even though i was previously up and down with my moods i was now paranoid if i met new people face to face and if i drank in their presence i was angry and always on the offensive . I didn't even trust my old friends and cut off contact .

I have memories of my mum, telling my brother and myself, when we used to live with her as young children , she would commit suicide if our dad won custody of us . I can remember visually her screaming as she was taken away in the back of an ambulance as i sat in the back of my grandads car . I must have been about 4 or 5 .

she was allowed home but over the years back and forth in and out of hospital until she was eventually sectioned and placed in a residential home . She still lives there now. The staff there say it was complications during child birth . My mum used to be allowed to phone us and when i was 12 that was the first time she said "it's your fault i wouldn't be here but for you"

My brother and I went to live with my mums mum and dad when she was taken to hospital the first time . I can only remember my grandma from the memory of the day she died . I brought her some flowers i had picked from the back garden and rushed in through the back door into the kitchen. She was on a step ladder and turned to face me. She fell . She'd had a stroke and died the same night in hospital.

My grandad couldn't look after us and so we moved in with my dad and my other grandma . I didn't want to go there . I wanted to go and live with my mum . I remember to this day sitting waiting on the stairs near the front door expecting to go home to live with my mum . My dad walked in and said " she didn't even turn up to court" I hated them. My brother and I wanted to live with our mum because she needed us . I barely knew my dad and grandma . He was either at work or out drinking . I was often horrible to my grandma and said and did things i shouldn't have .

I woke up late for school one winters morning . We were never late . We had a coal fire and my grandma was always up early to light it and get the house warm . I went to her bedroom to wake her but she wouldn't wake up . I'd been horrible to her for the past week or two and now i would never get the chance to say sorry .

I know right now i am miserable but at some point the euphoria will appear and i'll 'forget' these miserable times but those euphoric moments are becoming less frequent . They used to last for perhaps 6 months but lately it is days .

My biggest fear is that i will one day kill myself and leave my now 4 year old daughter to start on this miserable cycle of 'what ifs' . She says " i love you" and i just think " why? "

what is there to love ?

I created the online persona "klopptinho" and used to that to be happy and entertain for about 18 months but that's now ruined because i started to discuss my issues with people i had made friends with online .

it does help to get the thoughts and memories out of my head and down in black and white but it doesn't cure .

anyway i have waffled on enough .

sorry to those that read this incoherent mess.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
F

Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
702
Location
West Midlands
Really sorry you are feeling so hopeless.

I hope you feel better soon. Please continue to write about how you feel, you have done well to open up like you have and express yourself.

Keep posting on here, people have helped me and I am feeling the benefit of that help. This forum has helped me a lot with feeling lonely, and it can help you too.

Continue to reach out. I am currently trying to find some information on CBT therapy to help with anxiety. Perhaps you could analyse what types of therapy could help you, even if you have tried things before, please keep trying.

I overcame agoraphobia and although these anxiety attacks are back, they are nothing like they were in the past. It is possible to heal.

lots of love to you xxxxx
 
D

Dulcie

Guest
I'm sorry you feel so rough and down, but you have joined a super caring forum so reach out whenever you feel up to it. Welcome to MH. :)
 
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