New Member - Super Long Pity post

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GUERRIAVILLA

New member
Joined
Jan 26, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Tasmania
#1
Hi Everyone. New member here.

After some difficult times I've been diagnosed with PTSD and agoraphobia. I have local mental health care where I get six months of free treatment and then I wait six months. I'm in the wait time now.

I've left an abusive ex with problems. I think of him as a Narcissist after reading online forums but his only diagnosis is for Depression and he scammed that.

I'm frustrated and angry at the way therapy goes. CBT doesn't seem to do anything for me. I have aural flashbacks and anxiety attacks at least three days a week. No change after 2 years of this therapy plan.

My therapist told me I won't get better until I face my fears and problems. He was right when he said I wasn't. So I took it on the chin and he gave me a list of tasks. "Report the abusive ex to the police for domestic violence. Don't be afraid they won't help you." I did this and the police told me there was nothing they could do. When I went back to my therapist he said "The next one will work. Go to the low income legal service and ask them for legal help. Don't be afraid they won't help you." The legal service told me their funding is low and my legal problems are too expensive and complex for them. My therapist said "The next one will work. Walk around well-lit busy streets after dark. Don't be afraid you'll be harassed or insulted just because you're a woman." I walked along a busy street every night for a week around 9/10 PM. Drunk guys cat-called me and one pulled down his pants as I was walking by. I was tripped and shoved and someone stole my phone. I was walking with a loose shoelace, stepped on it, and face-planted on the sidewalk. I smashed my nose and chipped a tooth.

I'm messed up and broken feeling. I'm not good with people. I'm homely and a little fat. I lived with my birth mom until I was ten and then I was raised in a foster care group home. It wasn't a nice group home. I was raped when I was sixteen and I kept the baby, so I have a grown-up son. For the middle part of my life things were looking up. I got a real job in a big company and I paid for a cheap house. My house was the smallest and shabbiest house in the neighborhood but it had a good school district. Son was doing good in school and had friends. Then my ex showed up and showered me with fake love and affection for two weeks, then did a 180 and started treating me like trash. I married my ex because I was so excited anyone at all wanted me that I put up with anything.

I lost my job and my ex made me sell my house and took the money. We were together 20 years. After 20 years you think you can put up with anything but he started choking me and threatening to kill me. No matter how broken I am I don't want to die. My ex has a sweet six-figure job because of course the charming narcissist can convince people to give him chances. He pays a lawyer to fend off having to make alimony payments.

I live alone in public housing and I'm on welfare. Son visits me sometimes for dinner. He's a little safe company. I'm happy for him to visit but I also feel resentful. He won't come unless I feed him and give him my extra money for things he wants to buy. He gets a welfare payment too. I think it's fair to feed him if he's going to be here for a few hours but it gets expensive and he doesn't pay anything to me for food. The using isn't all on his side. I also use him. I need him when I have to leave my place in case I have an anxiety attack. He takes me to my meetings and therapy sessions. We both like and love each other but we're both broken people and we don't know how to have a relationship that isn't a series of transactions.

I'm a statistic. I'm a former foster child battered woman on welfare with mental health problems perpetuating a cycle of poverty. If you made an after school special about my life people would complain it was too on the nose to be realistic.

I have a cat. Cat is great. Other than being alone my life isn't bad. It's quiet and dull until it becomes overwhelming but it's more good than bad. I'm alive. Cat is alive. Son is alive. I have half my health. I have a safe place to live with a strong deadbolt lock and three meals a day.

I'm tired and angry because people keep telling me that I'm only failing because I don't try hard enough. It's hard and I don't have the fortitude to fight. If I could fight, I wouldn't have slid down this far.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
39,711
Location
Lancashire
#2
What a story! You are a true survivor and should know that you are powerful. YOu have survived things that most of us wouldn't be able to and come out the other side intact. I am sorry that i have no words of great wisdom to offer you but I am just here to say hiya and hope that you can turn your life around soon. Welcome strong woman.
 
C

change

Member
Joined
Jan 15, 2019
Messages
14
#4
Whoa, I can relate to that, a lot a lot.

Was the person who told you to walk around at night a male? I don't think guys really understand the harassment women go through. They can't, I suppose. I got pepper spray so that I can leave me house when it's dark. It helps a lot. Makes me feel like I have a back bone, even though I'd rather run than use it.

You seem like an intelligent, charming person. I see that in the way you tell your story. Don't lose faith, dear! There's always something to be grateful for. Thank you so much!
 
N

NDrake

New member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Norfolk UK
#5
Hi Everyone. New member here.

After some difficult times I've been diagnosed with PTSD and agoraphobia. I have local mental health care where I get six months of free treatment and then I wait six months. I'm in the wait time now.

I've left an abusive ex with problems. I think of him as a Narcissist after reading online forums but his only diagnosis is for Depression and he scammed that.

I'm frustrated and angry at the way therapy goes. CBT doesn't seem to do anything for me. I have aural flashbacks and anxiety attacks at least three days a week. No change after 2 years of this therapy plan.

My therapist told me I won't get better until I face my fears and problems. He was right when he said I wasn't. So I took it on the chin and he gave me a list of tasks. "Report the abusive ex to the police for domestic violence. Don't be afraid they won't help you." I did this and the police told me there was nothing they could do. When I went back to my therapist he said "The next one will work. Go to the low income legal service and ask them for legal help. Don't be afraid they won't help you." The legal service told me their funding is low and my legal problems are too expensive and complex for them. My therapist said "The next one will work. Walk around well-lit busy streets after dark. Don't be afraid you'll be harassed or insulted just because you're a woman." I walked along a busy street every night for a week around 9/10 PM. Drunk guys cat-called me and one pulled down his pants as I was walking by. I was tripped and shoved and someone stole my phone. I was walking with a loose shoelace, stepped on it, and face-planted on the sidewalk. I smashed my nose and chipped a tooth.

I'm messed up and broken feeling. I'm not good with people. I'm homely and a little fat. I lived with my birth mom until I was ten and then I was raised in a foster care group home. It wasn't a nice group home. I was raped when I was sixteen and I kept the baby, so I have a grown-up son. For the middle part of my life things were looking up. I got a real job in a big company and I paid for a cheap house. My house was the smallest and shabbiest house in the neighborhood but it had a good school district. Son was doing good in school and had friends. Then my ex showed up and showered me with fake love and affection for two weeks, then did a 180 and started treating me like trash. I married my ex because I was so excited anyone at all wanted me that I put up with anything.

I lost my job and my ex made me sell my house and took the money. We were together 20 years. After 20 years you think you can put up with anything but he started choking me and threatening to kill me. No matter how broken I am I don't want to die. My ex has a sweet six-figure job because of course the charming narcissist can convince people to give him chances. He pays a lawyer to fend off having to make alimony payments.

I live alone in public housing and I'm on welfare. Son visits me sometimes for dinner. He's a little safe company. I'm happy for him to visit but I also feel resentful. He won't come unless I feed him and give him my extra money for things he wants to buy. He gets a welfare payment too. I think it's fair to feed him if he's going to be here for a few hours but it gets expensive and he doesn't pay anything to me for food. The using isn't all on his side. I also use him. I need him when I have to leave my place in case I have an anxiety attack. He takes me to my meetings and therapy sessions. We both like and love each other but we're both broken people and we don't know how to have a relationship that isn't a series of transactions.

I'm a statistic. I'm a former foster child battered woman on welfare with mental health problems perpetuating a cycle of poverty. If you made an after school special about my life people would complain it was too on the nose to be realistic.

I have a cat. Cat is great. Other than being alone my life isn't bad. It's quiet and dull until it becomes overwhelming but it's more good than bad. I'm alive. Cat is alive. Son is alive. I have half my health. I have a safe place to live with a strong deadbolt lock and three meals a day.

I'm tired and angry because people keep telling me that I'm only failing because I don't try hard enough. It's hard and I don't have the fortitude to fight. If I could fight, I wouldn't have slid down this far.
 
C

candle55

Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2019
Messages
17
Location
UK
#6
wow what an amazing story, you are doing well and have survived all that, hope life gets better and you get some of the things you want in life what ever that may be take care
 
G

GUERRIAVILLA

New member
Joined
Jan 26, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Tasmania
#7
Was the person who told you to walk around at night a male? I don't think guys really understand the harassment women go through. They can't, I suppose. I got pepper spray so that I can leave me house when it's dark. It helps a lot. Makes me feel like I have a back bone, even though I'd rather run than use it.
Thank you for the welcome from you and Candle55 and earlier from mod Calypso.

Yes, my second-to-last therapist was male and he's the one who told me to walk around at night. This is one of the many things that pisses me off (not anything you said). I feel like other people are always telling me my thoughts are "wrong". I liked him and I think he tried to do good for me. He kept telling me all the things I was afraid of were just in my head and if I tried doing them I'd see how safe I would be. Then stuff would go wrong. The things he sent me to do were really hard (except the last part with walking down the street). It's "hard" to convince the police to investigate domestic violence charges. It's "hard" to convince underfunded agencies to invest a lot of resources in one person. Sometimes, even when it ought to be "easy", a little hiccup can happen (like a shoe lace loosening) and you're face down on the ground with a sore mouth. Instead of my therapist saying "Hmmm...this kind of therapy isn't working for you now and we'll tackle your issues another way", he just kept saying "Just try again." He went from being someone I could trust to feeling like Charlie Brown when Lucy pulled the football away.

I don't have enough perspective right now to handle the world. I understand the world isn't black and white, but I need some black (or white) rules to cling to for my own safety and sanity. When you aren't sure what to believe, having some truths to hold on to as anchors can make all the difference. I don't have anything to tether me to sanity.


What I need is a tether that says it's "okay" to think of myself first. I spent several very impressionable years in a very religious foster home. The rule was "J.O.Y" - Jesus, Others, Yourself. The people who taught me this were decent people but they didn't teach me how to protect myself from people who would take advantage of me.


I can't just tell myself I need to focus on myself to get better. My brain has a million thought paths through it and they all go over or under or around the "ME FIRST" part and directly to the "This is all the bad stuff that happened to me" part. The trauma center in my brain is overdosing on brain chemicals. The ME FIRST part is stunted and hasn't gotten enough brain chemicals to light up. If it's not dead it's at least on life support.


Every professional (social worker, therapist, charity worker, law enforcement officer) tells me I need to get over worrying about what happened to me and start thinking about making myself better. If I just think nice things about the parts of me I like, do things I find fun, listen to music I enjoy, it's supposed to carve new paths and nourish the "ME FIRST" part of my brain.


I don't have anything like that. There's nothing left that I enjoy. I was so happy that anyone at all wanted me, that I gave my ex access to every thought and desire and hatred and delight I felt. There's nothing left that's mine. I can't find anything new. He rubbed his stinky swamp funk over everything that used to make me ... ME.
 
C

change

Member
Joined
Jan 15, 2019
Messages
14
#8
Omigoodness, you're trying so very hard. That reply was written by a woman doing absolutely everything that's been suggested to her to get better.

The frustration you feel makes complete sense to me. I can relate. It's part of our culture to blame the victim, to have a do it yourself type of mentality. Both of victim-blaming and success through self-will are archaic, damaging ideas.

I have a tendency to blame myself instead of others. I think I sense this in you. I am in the process of getting better, but it's a slow, maybe life long journey.

What works for me, is working the twelve steps of AA with a sponsor.

Also, learning what healthy boundaries are. Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend was the best book for me for this. Abesbooks.com has four dollar books, so I ordered it there. Nobody has good boundaries, but mine slowly get better.

I try so hard not to give advice outside my competence, and I can't help but to try to help you based on my own personal experiences. But I do have CPTSD, which means that other people with CPTSD are either going to have my same symptoms, or at least similar symptoms. This is a life-threatening, treatable mental illness. There's a strength in people like us. I sense yours, too, in how you value other people, even allow them your story, and then you pay an emotional and physical bill for their service, and you still believe in your heart that you can find one of us to help. That is strength. It's what's made me a survivor. And the bright silver lining that is around the cloud that is CPTSD is that our stories are valuable. We alone know how to help another, suffering as only we can.

It gets better. You're not alone. Thank you So Much for reminding me that I'm not, either.